Why am I like this?

I ask myself this at least five times a day. Mostly in a comical way after making a stupid decision or a sarcastic comment. But sometimes I really do ask God why am I like this?

I realize that my life is pretty difficult (which I do a good job of hiding) and I find myself battling things that only myself and God know about. I remember praying to God a few years ago to “Break my heart for what breaks Yours.” I was really in to Hillsong back then, little did I know that one day he would. Back then I didn’t fully know just how emotional I was. I didn’t know that I could feel things so deeply.

I follow the news often and one of the things that breaks my heart is what’s going on at our borders and in our country in general. It makes me angry and it makes me sad. The other day in prayer as I began to pray for those lives I started to cry, I cried so hard it was like I couldn’t stop. It was as if I had connections with those people, those children. When I look at the pictures on the news I see children I played with in church growing up, I saw mothers who fed me, and fathers that drove me to Bible camp in the church van. These are people, people like me and you and they don’t deserve to be locked in cages in search for a better life. I found myself asking God how this could happen and why would this happen? I prayed that one day soon this would all end. I have faith in God that one day it will. That those kids will grow up to be strong leaders and move the country in a new direction. Sometimes things are in our control and it’s up to us to turn it around. This may just be one of those things and I can’t sit around blaming God for bad things that happen.

I am reminded of Job, a person who had it all but then God took everything he had away in order to test him and so he was forced to cry out and ask God why. However, through it all Job had remained hopeful and I know that my people have hope. Hope that even though they may face death that they will continue to cross borders if it means their family could have a better life. It is what my dad did before he had me and even now at his old age he still works and sends money back home to our family in Mexico. My dad is not a rich man but he made a commitment.

“No, my hope will go down with me to the grave. We will rest together in the dust!”

Job 17:16

When I was a teenager, my friends mom had just gotten back from Guatemala and she told us that we had to be radical for Jesus! We just rolled our eyes and laughed but she shook her head and told us that it was true! I still think about that day and what it’s like to be radical, to be loud, to take up space, and to do things that Hispanic women are often told not to do. Who knew that those words would stick with me ten years later. That I would find myself wanting to do more radical things for Christ. I may not be a great leader or have a huge following but I know that I can make an impact in the little things that I do and in the prayers that I say and in the leaders that I vote for.

I know now that God made me this way for a reason, quiet but outspoken. I grew up not saying much of anything but I observed a lot. I noticed things, grievances and injustices. I eventually learned to speak up for myself and what it was like to finally have a voice.

I pray this post does you well and that you realize that it’s okay to be you. To be radical and outspoken, to sometimes get riled up and say a bad word or five! Anyways, thanks for reading and for allowing me to take up space.

 

Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdom’s cause
As I walk from earth into eternity

Hosanna- Hillsong UNITED 

Get off the train

I can’t quite pinpoint where these insecurities I’ve been having came from but as kind of a follow up to my post last month I talked about self esteem. I just want to say that yes, it’s still an issue for me a month later after turning 26. I think some of it comes from the little bit of weight I’ve gained which isn’t so bad but it’s all in my thighs and it frustrates me because jeans are not cheap. The other part comes from oh I don’t know, maybe the fact that I’m almost 30. Yeah I have four more years but time goes by quick especially after 25. Anyways, that’s not what this months rant is about.

Life. It’s kind of like I’m just cruising through the emotions, the pain, the problems that I face that I don’t tell anyone about. Sometimes I feel stagnant like I’m not going anywhere and other times I feel how much God has risen me up out of so much. I’m thankful for my church and the people God has placed in my life to speak things in to me when I’m not expecting it. I need that.

I’ve been spending less time on social media which has helped me focus on work and myself. You have to take care of yourself and you have to stop doubting yourself. Lately I’ve found myself thinking that I wasn’t pretty enough or the right size but yesterday on my day off I had this thought: What if I thought of myself as enough?

What if I began to convince myself that I was pretty enough to put on a bathing suit, to go out, to look in the mirror? What if I thought of myself as worthy enough to not have to settle for men I know aren’t right for me? To not go places I know I shouldn’t be?

My intentions weren’t to write this post for people to feel bad for me. In fact, I want people to be happy for me. To learn from me. It’s okay to have insecurities, but don’t let it consume you like it tried to do to me. A few verses come to mind while writing this:

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.”

John 10:10 NIV

“He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.”

Psalms 40:2 NLT

I know I probably have posted these before but these are two of my favorite verses when it comes to feeling down. I often feel a lot of emotions and I feel them deeply. When I think of what God is doing in my life I get nervous but I’m ready. He’s going to take us places we just need to follow and obey.

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Last Sunday I was at my sister’s house and my oldest niece came downstairs and told us that she was struggling with her self-esteem. My sister and I told her that it was completely natural to for her to have those issues and then she jokingly insinuated that I, Angelica, did not have insecurities about my image.

The nerve.

I just laughed and told her that it was not true and that women are going to have body issues no matter what age you get. I found it ironic because I had been struggling with insecurites myself over the past few weeks. I have always been tall, my weight has always been up and down and my skin hardly has good days because I like sweets and soda too much. I just think it’s funny that they have this idea that I don’t have issues because I’m “mixed.”

But I do. I’m thick and solid. I have cellulite now and on top of that I don’t think of myself as the prettiest and turning 26 kind of brought those insecurities more to my attention. Even though it’s natural to have these thoughts, I have to remind myself that looks aren’t everything. Also, I don’t have time to worry about how I look all the time. It makes me upset when I think this way because there’s so many other things I could be doing like blogging.

If God created us in His image then why is it so hard for us to to accept that when we take off the makeup, the hair, the nails? I’m not saying we shouldn’t have those things. I love all three of those things, but why do I only feel beautiful when I have them on? We do it hopes that we would be accepted by other’s but we don’t need validation from others. Our validation is already rooted in Christ.

 Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God.

1 Peter 3:3-4

Sometimes we get too focused on the way we look that it gets in the way of the things that are most important. I told my niece that even though we look at other women as being “prettier” she’s also looking at another woman thinking the same thing and so on. Accept who you are and embrace what you have. God doesn’t love you any less without no matter how you look.

Thanks for being patient with me.

love, Ang

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Raining while the Sun is out

Sometimes in life you’ll come across people who do not like you. That’s okay. It is not your job to try and figure out why. I like to think of myself as a naturally “likeable” person and I don’t think I give people a reason not to like me. I mean, I hardly talk. How can you dislike someone who doesn’t even speak? Anyways, every now and then I’ll meet someone who doesn’t exactly vibe with me. Not to say I can always tell when someone isn’t very fond of me but most of the time I can feel when someone’s energy doesn’t exactly align with mine. It’s happened at school, at work, even at church. These people I tend to keep my distance from.

The other day I woke up to a rather unpleasant comment on one of my blog posts. Instead of attacking this person back in my response, I thought about it, read it over about five times, sent it to like three of my friends, and then responded. I acknowledged my own faults and mistakes in knowing that I was not perfect but in my reply I realized that I could not apologize for someone else’s insecurities. I don’t know why I was singled out the way that I was and my friends could not understand either. I would be lying if I said it didn’t frustrate me that morning (I was already moody from other issues going on) but someone said something to me that brought some clarity to my situation. He said,

“None of us are perfect and it’s brave of you to be transparent through such a platform, it puts you at risk for such comments but the purpose is bigger than them!”

Blogging is not always easy or even fun. I share too much, I overthink and sometimes I cry when I’m pouring out my emotions on to my laptop. But you read it and you love it. You tell me how you’ve struggled just as I did. You share my love of Christ and wanting to seek Him fully. You support me and feel my pain. You laugh with me and you hurt with me. But most importantly, you heal with me. This blog started as a way to get over a tough breakup but it has turned in to so much more than that.

Knowing who you are in Christ serves as a weapon against the enemy and against those people come to attack you. I know that I am not perfect and many times I think just the exact opposite. I don’t consider myself the prettiest or the brightest. Lately I’ve been struggling with whether or not I am even worthy of God’s love and the love I receive from others. But God constantly reminds me that I am smart, I am beautiful and I am worthy of His love.

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.  For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.

James 1:2-3

 

Thank you for letting me be honest with you, for letting me cry to you. For letting me finally have a voice when so many people didn’t think I had one.

 

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Sweet nothings.

In the past few days I’ve discovered that being celibate for a year and half doesn’t protect you from still getting fed lies from men.

Crazy right?

When I gave up sex I thought to myself, “okay this is it, I’ll be able to easily weed out the bad guys and just focus on myself and my walk and at the right time God will send someone.” But I wasn’t fully prepared for it. I struggled a little harder than I thought I would and didn’t even realize it. I wasn’t craving sex I was craving attention with a little intimacy. I just wanted to be around a man that wanted me and I actually wanted back. It sounds a little confusing but I don’t find myself interested in plenty men. I’m attracted to intelligence as well as godliness and you don’t find much of that where I live.

So I reconnected with someone, an old friend, and what meant to solely be friendship ended up being a little more. But he was already committed to someone else and even though I told myself and him time and time again that it wasn’t right and I shouldn’t allow myself to get involved with someone like this especially after being cheated on myself. I still fell victim to the lies, to the sweet nothings. He tried to convince me that what we had was special that it was meant to be. But how could it be when he already belonged to someone else? And I didn’t for once think that he would actually leave her. A part of me didn’t want him to because I knew. I KNEW he wasn’t the man God wanted me to be with. I just wanted someone to hold me.

In the end I finally decided to just let the whole thing go and I’m okay with that. I just can’t imagine me having had the same reaction if we had been sexually intimate. But emotionally it was still wrong. It just further lets me know that I still need Jesus and I still need time to be alone. Celibacy isn’t the easiest thing to do but when you have time to sit and actually observe the ridiculous things men say/do to you and your girlfriends you realize why it’s necessary.

My suffering was good for me,

for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees. Psalm 119:71

That’s all for now. See you in May or possibly sooner?

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I Sought The Lord and He Carried Me

Last week was blurry, long, and tiresome and on top of that, I had absolutely no will to spend time with God. I know I should have, I knew I needed to. I went to bed every night thinking to myself, “I should pray” or “I should really read my devotional” but I still chose not to. I still felt God’s presence but instead I chose to ignore it. Why? I just didn’t feel like it. Sometimes I just have those days, those weeks, those moments where I just don’t feel like it. Maybe it was my seasonal depression, maybe I was just tired, and exhausted from that weekend in DC, maybe it was from work, and my other weekly responsibities. I had other things on my mind as well. I needed to get my headlight fixed, I had to get my car inspected, I needed to make sure I had enough gas in my car until I got paid. I just had a lot going on (as always) and I had no will in me to take the time to stop and give time to God. In reality, it probably would have benefitted me tremendously if I did. I told myself everyday that I would make up for it the next day but I never did.

I had time for distractions though. I had all the time in the world to be on Instagram and Twitter but gave no time for God. After church this morning I sat myself down, away from my phone and thought about my distractions. Why did I feed in to them so much? Because they do exactly what they are. They distract me from my priorities, my responsibilities, and the things I actually needed to be focused on. I told myself after my fast that I’d work harder when it came to setting aside my quiet time but I haven’t been too devoted to that. I always feel like I’m being pulled in so many different directions and committing to too many things at once when God is right there telling me that I just need to stop and remove all of my distractions. He even gave me the time when I went in to my part time job Thursday evening and my pharmacist told me that I didn’t have to stay because it wasn’t busy. So I bought a bottle of red wine, went home and showered and relaxed. I was so thankful of the time to myself and to be able to rest.

I thought about that evening today after church, and I thought about yesterday when my 22 year old nephew added me on FaceBook and told me how he can’t wait to meet me. It’s moments like those where I take God’s love for me for granted so often and I’m left feeling guilty and ashamed. Even when I don’t show Him the love He deserves, He still loves me unconditionally to say the least.

 

“That is why the Lord says, “Turn to me now, while there is time. Give me your hearts. Come with fasting, weeping, and mourning.”

‭‭Joel‬ ‭2:12‬

 

This past week I found myself wishing that I was deeply in love with God. I can try to convince myself that I am but honestly my actions don’t always prove that to be true. The truth is that I am not perfect and that is okay. It’s okay to have bad weeks, bad days, bad moments. The idea is to not stay there. So, if God is telling me to remove those distractions in order to seek His face again then that’s just what I have to do in order to fall deeply in love with Him.

 

I hope this post finds you well. See you in April!

 

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I didn’t want to post this but here we are

An incomplete list of things men do (and say) that bother me.

 

*Subject to change

 

1. They don’t listen when you MAKE IT VERY CLEAR that you’re uninterested in them.

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If I’m clearly not responding to your messages then STOP sending them.

 

2. “I can’t be with a woman who’s slept with a lot of men.”

I have never asked a man how many women he’s been with. Mostly because men lie too much and for one, it’s none of my business and two, why does it matter? The only thing we should be concerned with is have you been tested and how often? Even if you’re celibate, we still need to know especially since black men are least likely to get routine health exams which puts black women at a greater risk of contracting STI’s and HIV. While working in healthcare at a place that does rapid HIV testing it’s heartbreaking and unfortunate that we have these diseases but they are a very real thing that people really go through. I think that should be people’s biggest concern and not “Oh I don’t wanna be with somebody that’s been with everybody.” Because we should be forgiving and show people grace. How one sided is it that men can go through their early 20s being with multiple women and then once they are at a stage in their life where they are ready to settle down, can decide that they only want to be with a woman who has not had multiple sexual encounters and it be okay?

3. Don’t assume that we are all the same.

If he’s ever began a sentence with “FEmaLeS…” leave him alone sis. His opinion doesn’t matter. I have also noticed that many men who talk like this have been hurt. Leave these men alone. Hurt men are highly toxic and it is not your job to prove to him that not all women are like the one or two that he had a bad experience with. Have him seek a mental health professional for that type of assistance.

4. These men out here really want you to chase them. Like what? WHO!? CHASE WHO!?

First of all, I’m too awkward in person and secondly, I just can’t do it. If a man is waiting for me to approach him romantically then he just gonna be waiting forever. There was that one time I did walk up to a guy at a party and Henessy was involved but now see that is exactly why I don’t drink Henny.

5. Ain’t not nobody got time to go through Hell and back for you. I’m grown.

This should speak for itself. I’m the worst when it comes to my friends telling me their relationship woes. My first response is always, “Leave him.”

6. Men who smoke.

Like really, eww.

 

 

I’m sure there’s something I’ve missed or something I just haven’t encountered yet. Maybe I’ll make a part two in the future. Who knows. At this point I’m just here to continue stirring the pot a little. Women don’t really get to express their voices much so I’m glad I have my own space where I can express mine especially since I’m more of an observer than a speaker anyway.

Until next time. Don’t forget to like, comment, and share. Let me know if there’s anything I missed or for the men, what are some things women do that bother you? (Not that I care.) I’m just interested in knowing.

 

 

January post, Valentine’s, and should women pursue men?

Sometimes I feel like I’m too honest and too vulnerable in my posts but then other times I’m like “Nah say what you gotta say sis!” And most of it is because quite a few guys read my posts and that makes me VERY self conscious. Mostly because I’m not writing these for them! I’m writing these posts for all the women who’ve gone through similar situations as I have and can relate. But y’all are going to do what y’all wanna do.

To the women that do read my posts, thank you. It is because of you all I keep going and keep plenty of these up even though I feel like I could stand to delete about two or three of these.

I also wanted to quickly talk about my January post since I recieved a few questions. The other day I was talking to my friend after church and we were talking about my previous post and I mentioned something about me hating men. Let me explain, I am still attracted to men and only men. What I meant was, men do a lot of things that annoy me and that’s why I don’t talk or get past the “getting to know you stage” I don’t even like texting them. A lot of times the men who’ve shown the bare minimum of interest in me don’t admit it. So with that being said, no I’m not dating men until one comes along that doesn’t waste my time.

 

I had originally planned on posting this right before Valentine’s Day just to give you all an idea of my thoughts on the Holiday but I didn’t want you guys calling me another bitter black woman with an opening like that. However, I unlike many single women of color LOVE the day. I also love dark chocolate and being able to buy day after 70% off chocolate is even better!

 

I also think people should enjoy this day with their significant other’s. I didn’t have one this year, or last year, or the year before that, but I did have a Galentine this year and it was just as great. Don’t be bitter about Valentine’s Day guys. Our time will soon come.

 

But for my next subject. I asked this question on my Instagram story and it was a hot mess.

Should women pursue men?

 

It was a mess because majority of men said yes.

 

Now see this is exactly why I don’t date.

 

All of this came about from a video I watched on YouTube from Joseph Solomon. Basically his answer was no. He was not in to women pursuing him and I wholeheartedly AGREE! I had about 30 people answer this poll and just a little more than half said no. Mostly women but some strong men of God as well. I agree because quite frankly, WHAT I LOOK LIKE GOING AFTER A MAN!? Y’all got me all the way messed up! Now if you’re a woman that has pursued a man then I’m in no way condeming you or about to tell you to stop. All I’m saying is that’s just not me. I would much rather have a man try to catch my attention than me try to catch his because if he doesn’t like me then I’m wasting my time. Now I’ve heard and know plenty of women who’ve gone after or initiated conversations with their now partners and it’s worked out for them. But like I said, Y’ALL NOT ABOUT TO CATCH ME OUT HERE LIKE THAT! That’s not what God has planned for me. What He has for ME in this season is to sit here and work, pay my bills, and be there for my friends. A man will come when he comes but for now I’m just trying to stabilize my anxiety.

 

I had wanted to include some kind of scripture or something about dating but instead I’ll just include the link to the video that you can all see for yourselves. As for the month of February, this is my one post. I’ve been super busy lately with two jobs, church ministries, and family. Life has just been a lot so please pray for me. I will leave you all with this,

 

And if our hope in Christ is only for this life, we are more to be pitied than anyone in the world.

1 Corinthians 15:19

 

I will see you all in March Lord willing. Don’t forget to like, comment, and share. I love you all!

 

Joseph Solomon Video

Running towards your fears

Is not something that anyone wants to do. But as someone who’s made plenty of mistakes in the past, it’s been something that God has been telling me that I have to do. Over the past year I’ve grown, I’ve built up discipline, I’ve prayed, I’ve cried out to God time and time again. And no matter how much I “think” I deserve to be happy and healthy it’s just not what’s happened. I can’t bargain with God and convince him not to take me through what he’s taking me through, He’s going to do just what he wants to put me through. I have no say, I don’t even know the outcome. All I can do is Trust in Him and know that He is God and he’s by my side always.

Christianity isn’t about living a perfect life. It’s about going through life’s struggles knowing that you’re loved by a perfect God and that you’re not alone.

Be careful what you cast as your idols.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

I can say that one of my idols have certainly become my looks. I like to think that I’m pretty humble when it comes to the way I look, if I need to run to Walmart on a Saturday morning after I just woke up and still in my t shirt and sweats I will do that. But at the same time I do love having my hair done as well as a nice clean, beat face. Not to mention my acrylic nails, oh and eye lashes!

But sometimes I have to check myself. Not only am I spending money I don’t have on things I absolutely do not need, they make me feel good about myself and it makes me feel pretty.

 

 

No, looks aren’t everything. But when you’ve been single for three years sometimes you just want to hear someone tell you that you look good.

It’s when those things and that obsession with looking a certain way becomes an idol that messes you up. When I put more thought in to what I’m wearing to church on Sunday than if I remembered to bring my bible is when I have to stop myself and say, “okay Angelica, get it together.”

As much as I say I don’t like men, I do still want them to find me attractive and that’s just me being overtly honest.

But the Bible tells us that we shouldn’t place any person or thing above Him. He simply just won’t accept it. I’ve placed relationships above God and He always took them away. I don’t want God to take my looks away, and if you’d only seen how I looked in middle school you’d feel the same way.