Raining while the Sun is out

Sometimes in life you’ll come across people who do not like you. That’s okay. It is not your job to try and figure out why. I like to think of myself as a naturally “likeable” person and I don’t think I give people a reason not to like me. I mean, I hardly talk. How can you dislike someone who doesn’t even speak? Anyways, every now and then I’ll meet someone who doesn’t exactly vibe with me. Not to say I can always tell when someone isn’t very fond of me but most of the time I can feel when someone’s energy doesn’t exactly align with mine. It’s happened at school, at work, even at church. These people I tend to keep my distance from.

The other day I woke up to a rather unpleasant comment on one of my blog posts. Instead of attacking this person back in my response, I thought about it, read it over about five times, sent it to like three of my friends, and then responded. I acknowledged my own faults and mistakes in knowing that I was not perfect but in my reply I realized that I could not apologize for someone else’s insecurities. I don’t know why I was singled out the way that I was and my friends could not understand either. I would be lying if I said it didn’t frustrate me that morning (I was already moody from other issues going on) but someone said something to me that brought some clarity to my situation. He said,

“None of us are perfect and it’s brave of you to be transparent through such a platform, it puts you at risk for such comments but the purpose is bigger than them!”

Blogging is not always easy or even fun. I share too much, I overthink and sometimes I cry when I’m pouring out my emotions on to my laptop. But you read it and you love it. You tell me how you’ve struggled just as I did. You share my love of Christ and wanting to seek Him fully. You support me and feel my pain. You laugh with me and you hurt with me. But most importantly, you heal with me. This blog started as a way to get over a tough breakup but it has turned in to so much more than that.

Knowing who you are in Christ serves as a weapon against the enemy and against those people come to attack you. I know that I am not perfect and many times I think just the exact opposite. I don’t consider myself the prettiest or the brightest. Lately I’ve been struggling with whether or not I am even worthy of God’s love and the love I receive from others. But God constantly reminds me that I am smart, I am beautiful and I am worthy of His love.

Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy.  For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow.

James 1:2-3

 

Thank you for letting me be honest with you, for letting me cry to you. For letting me finally have a voice when so many people didn’t think I had one.

 

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Sweet nothings.

In the past few days I’ve discovered that being celibate for a year and half doesn’t protect you from still getting fed lies from men.

Crazy right?

When I gave up sex I thought to myself, “okay this is it, I’ll be able to easily weed out the bad guys and just focus on myself and my walk and at the right time God will send someone.” But I wasn’t fully prepared for it. I struggled a little harder than I thought I would and didn’t even realize it. I wasn’t craving sex I was craving attention with a little intimacy. I just wanted to be around a man that wanted me and I actually wanted back. It sounds a little confusing but I don’t find myself interested in plenty men. I’m attracted to intelligence as well as godliness and you don’t find much of that where I live.

So I reconnected with someone, an old friend, and what meant to solely be friendship ended up being a little more. But he was already committed to someone else and even though I told myself and him time and time again that it wasn’t right and I shouldn’t allow myself to get involved with someone like this especially after being cheated on myself. I still fell victim to the lies, to the sweet nothings. He tried to convince me that what we had was special that it was meant to be. But how could it be when he already belonged to someone else? And I didn’t for once think that he would actually leave her. A part of me didn’t want him to because I knew. I KNEW he wasn’t the man God wanted me to be with. I just wanted someone to hold me.

In the end I finally decided to just let the whole thing go and I’m okay with that. I just can’t imagine me having had the same reaction if we had been sexually intimate. But emotionally it was still wrong. It just further lets me know that I still need Jesus and I still need time to be alone. Celibacy isn’t the easiest thing to do but when you have time to sit and actually observe the ridiculous things men say/do to you and your girlfriends you realize why it’s necessary.

My suffering was good for me,

for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees. Psalm 119:71

That’s all for now. See you in May or possibly sooner?

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I Sought The Lord and He Carried Me

Last week was blurry, long, and tiresome and on top of that, I had absolutely no will to spend time with God. I know I should have, I knew I needed to. I went to bed every night thinking to myself, “I should pray” or “I should really read my devotional” but I still chose not to. I still felt God’s presence but instead I chose to ignore it. Why? I just didn’t feel like it. Sometimes I just have those days, those weeks, those moments where I just don’t feel like it. Maybe it was my seasonal depression, maybe I was just tired, and exhausted from that weekend in DC, maybe it was from work, and my other weekly responsibities. I had other things on my mind as well. I needed to get my headlight fixed, I had to get my car inspected, I needed to make sure I had enough gas in my car until I got paid. I just had a lot going on (as always) and I had no will in me to take the time to stop and give time to God. In reality, it probably would have benefitted me tremendously if I did. I told myself everyday that I would make up for it the next day but I never did.

I had time for distractions though. I had all the time in the world to be on Instagram and Twitter but gave no time for God. After church this morning I sat myself down, away from my phone and thought about my distractions. Why did I feed in to them so much? Because they do exactly what they are. They distract me from my priorities, my responsibilities, and the things I actually needed to be focused on. I told myself after my fast that I’d work harder when it came to setting aside my quiet time but I haven’t been too devoted to that. I always feel like I’m being pulled in so many different directions and committing to too many things at once when God is right there telling me that I just need to stop and remove all of my distractions. He even gave me the time when I went in to my part time job Thursday evening and my pharmacist told me that I didn’t have to stay because it wasn’t busy. So I bought a bottle of red wine, went home and showered and relaxed. I was so thankful of the time to myself and to be able to rest.

I thought about that evening today after church, and I thought about yesterday when my 22 year old nephew added me on FaceBook and told me how he can’t wait to meet me. It’s moments like those where I take God’s love for me for granted so often and I’m left feeling guilty and ashamed. Even when I don’t show Him the love He deserves, He still loves me unconditionally to say the least.

 

“That is why the Lord says, “Turn to me now, while there is time. Give me your hearts. Come with fasting, weeping, and mourning.”

‭‭Joel‬ ‭2:12‬

 

This past week I found myself wishing that I was deeply in love with God. I can try to convince myself that I am but honestly my actions don’t always prove that to be true. The truth is that I am not perfect and that is okay. It’s okay to have bad weeks, bad days, bad moments. The idea is to not stay there. So, if God is telling me to remove those distractions in order to seek His face again then that’s just what I have to do in order to fall deeply in love with Him.

 

I hope this post finds you well. See you in April!

 

P.s. don’t forget to like, comment, and share!

I didn’t want to post this but here we are

An incomplete list of things men do (and say) that bother me.

 

*Subject to change

 

1. They don’t listen when you MAKE IT VERY CLEAR that you’re uninterested in them.

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If I’m clearly not responding to your messages then STOP sending them.

 

2. “I can’t be with a woman who’s slept with a lot of men.”

I have never asked a man how many women he’s been with. Mostly because men lie too much and for one, it’s none of my business and two, why does it matter? The only thing we should be concerned with is have you been tested and how often? Even if you’re celibate, we still need to know especially since black men are least likely to get routine health exams which puts black women at a greater risk of contracting STI’s and HIV. While working in healthcare at a place that does rapid HIV testing it’s heartbreaking and unfortunate that we have these diseases but they are a very real thing that people really go through. I think that should be people’s biggest concern and not “Oh I don’t wanna be with somebody that’s been with everybody.” Because we should be forgiving and show people grace. How one sided is it that men can go through their early 20s being with multiple women and then once they are at a stage in their life where they are ready to settle down, can decide that they only want to be with a woman who has not had multiple sexual encounters and it be okay?

3. Don’t assume that we are all the same.

If he’s ever began a sentence with “FEmaLeS…” leave him alone sis. His opinion doesn’t matter. I have also noticed that many men who talk like this have been hurt. Leave these men alone. Hurt men are highly toxic and it is not your job to prove to him that not all women are like the one or two that he had a bad experience with. Have him seek a mental health professional for that type of assistance.

4. These men out here really want you to chase them. Like what? WHO!? CHASE WHO!?

First of all, I’m too awkward in person and secondly, I just can’t do it. If a man is waiting for me to approach him romantically then he just gonna be waiting forever. There was that one time I did walk up to a guy at a party and Henessy was involved but now see that is exactly why I don’t drink Henny.

5. Ain’t not nobody got time to go through Hell and back for you. I’m grown.

This should speak for itself. I’m the worst when it comes to my friends telling me their relationship woes. My first response is always, “Leave him.”

6. Men who smoke.

Like really, eww.

 

 

I’m sure there’s something I’ve missed or something I just haven’t encountered yet. Maybe I’ll make a part two in the future. Who knows. At this point I’m just here to continue stirring the pot a little. Women don’t really get to express their voices much so I’m glad I have my own space where I can express mine especially since I’m more of an observer than a speaker anyway.

Until next time. Don’t forget to like, comment, and share. Let me know if there’s anything I missed or for the men, what are some things women do that bother you? (Not that I care.) I’m just interested in knowing.

 

 

January post, Valentine’s, and should women pursue men?

Sometimes I feel like I’m too honest and too vulnerable in my posts but then other times I’m like “Nah say what you gotta say sis!” And most of it is because quite a few guys read my posts and that makes me VERY self conscious. Mostly because I’m not writing these for them! I’m writing these posts for all the women who’ve gone through similar situations as I have and can relate. But y’all are going to do what y’all wanna do.

To the women that do read my posts, thank you. It is because of you all I keep going and keep plenty of these up even though I feel like I could stand to delete about two or three of these.

I also wanted to quickly talk about my January post since I recieved a few questions. The other day I was talking to my friend after church and we were talking about my previous post and I mentioned something about me hating men. Let me explain, I am still attracted to men and only men. What I meant was, men do a lot of things that annoy me and that’s why I don’t talk or get past the “getting to know you stage” I don’t even like texting them. A lot of times the men who’ve shown the bare minimum of interest in me don’t admit it. So with that being said, no I’m not dating men until one comes along that doesn’t waste my time.

 

I had originally planned on posting this right before Valentine’s Day just to give you all an idea of my thoughts on the Holiday but I didn’t want you guys calling me another bitter black woman with an opening like that. However, I unlike many single women of color LOVE the day. I also love dark chocolate and being able to buy day after 70% off chocolate is even better!

 

I also think people should enjoy this day with their significant other’s. I didn’t have one this year, or last year, or the year before that, but I did have a Galentine this year and it was just as great. Don’t be bitter about Valentine’s Day guys. Our time will soon come.

 

But for my next subject. I asked this question on my Instagram story and it was a hot mess.

Should women pursue men?

 

It was a mess because majority of men said yes.

 

Now see this is exactly why I don’t date.

 

All of this came about from a video I watched on YouTube from Joseph Solomon. Basically his answer was no. He was not in to women pursuing him and I wholeheartedly AGREE! I had about 30 people answer this poll and just a little more than half said no. Mostly women but some strong men of God as well. I agree because quite frankly, WHAT I LOOK LIKE GOING AFTER A MAN!? Y’all got me all the way messed up! Now if you’re a woman that has pursued a man then I’m in no way condeming you or about to tell you to stop. All I’m saying is that’s just not me. I would much rather have a man try to catch my attention than me try to catch his because if he doesn’t like me then I’m wasting my time. Now I’ve heard and know plenty of women who’ve gone after or initiated conversations with their now partners and it’s worked out for them. But like I said, Y’ALL NOT ABOUT TO CATCH ME OUT HERE LIKE THAT! That’s not what God has planned for me. What He has for ME in this season is to sit here and work, pay my bills, and be there for my friends. A man will come when he comes but for now I’m just trying to stabilize my anxiety.

 

I had wanted to include some kind of scripture or something about dating but instead I’ll just include the link to the video that you can all see for yourselves. As for the month of February, this is my one post. I’ve been super busy lately with two jobs, church ministries, and family. Life has just been a lot so please pray for me. I will leave you all with this,

 

And if our hope in Christ is only for this life, we are more to be pitied than anyone in the world.

1 Corinthians 15:19

 

I will see you all in March Lord willing. Don’t forget to like, comment, and share. I love you all!

 

Joseph Solomon Video

Running towards your fears

Is not something that anyone wants to do. But as someone who’s made plenty of mistakes in the past, it’s been something that God has been telling me that I have to do. Over the past year I’ve grown, I’ve built up discipline, I’ve prayed, I’ve cried out to God time and time again. And no matter how much I “think” I deserve to be happy and healthy it’s just not what’s happened. I can’t bargain with God and convince him not to take me through what he’s taking me through, He’s going to do just what he wants to put me through. I have no say, I don’t even know the outcome. All I can do is Trust in Him and know that He is God and he’s by my side always.

Christianity isn’t about living a perfect life. It’s about going through life’s struggles knowing that you’re loved by a perfect God and that you’re not alone.

Be careful what you cast as your idols.

The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.

I can say that one of my idols have certainly become my looks. I like to think that I’m pretty humble when it comes to the way I look, if I need to run to Walmart on a Saturday morning after I just woke up and still in my t shirt and sweats I will do that. But at the same time I do love having my hair done as well as a nice clean, beat face. Not to mention my acrylic nails, oh and eye lashes!

But sometimes I have to check myself. Not only am I spending money I don’t have on things I absolutely do not need, they make me feel good about myself and it makes me feel pretty.

 

 

No, looks aren’t everything. But when you’ve been single for three years sometimes you just want to hear someone tell you that you look good.

It’s when those things and that obsession with looking a certain way becomes an idol that messes you up. When I put more thought in to what I’m wearing to church on Sunday than if I remembered to bring my bible is when I have to stop myself and say, “okay Angelica, get it together.”

As much as I say I don’t like men, I do still want them to find me attractive and that’s just me being overtly honest.

But the Bible tells us that we shouldn’t place any person or thing above Him. He simply just won’t accept it. I’ve placed relationships above God and He always took them away. I don’t want God to take my looks away, and if you’d only seen how I looked in middle school you’d feel the same way.

No this post isn’t named after another Ariana Grande song

End of the year thoughts

Looking back on this year I honestly can’t really say that I accomplished much or that much happened. I worked a lot. I did make it to the beach over the summer. I moved out. I had to get a tooth pulled. I was in two car accidents. My mom got re-established and back into her own place. My dad got remarried. I almost became a side-chick. (I’ll address this later). I cried, a lot. I questioned life. I questioned my life. I kept going. I drove a lot. I danced a lot. I drank a lot. I became a co life group leader of 12 women. I cut my own hair spontaneously. I stayed abstinent. I made a handful of new friends. All in all 2018 wasn’t bad it was just life.

Moving forward I hope that 2019 is somewhat better but with the way my anxiety is set up my mind automatically sets to “I wonder what kinds of bad things will happen this year?”

I promise I’m not that faithless.

I know that whatever 2019 brings that my God will sustain me through it all. I’ve also set a few goals. Pretty small goals because I know me. One of which is finding a therapist. I was supposed to find one this year but you know, bills.

Romantically wise: Ehh. 2018 wasn’t exactly a year of romance. After 2017 I pretty much said. “Nah, I’m good.” And to address the side-chick mention from earlier I didn’t actually become one, I had my come to Jesus moment and decided that I could in no way be that girl especially after having been on the other side once. And then I just thought, “Do you actually want to be with someone who obviously can’t be loyal in the relationship he’s already in and you have the audacity to think he gonna be faithful to YOU? Girl, bye. So yes, after months of deliberating I let that go. I mean, I’m just being honest. That decision didn’t come overnight. I turned 25 this year and really thought I was grown all of a sudden. Anyways, I’m leaving trash men alone in 2018 and perhaps just African men in general.

(Totally joking but not really.)

I wish I could give you some inspiring life advice on what to look forward to but I don’t have any. I don’t even know if I’ll continue blogging in to the next year but we’ll see. I can say that the one thing I wasn’t this year is perfect. I got angry, but I also got vulnerable. Perhaps more than I’ve ever been. I just want people to know that I’m not this picture perfect Christian. I drink whisky and I cuss sometimes but when I’m broken I still cry out to the Lord.  I want to live my life but I also want those I encounter to have the opportunity to experience Christ through me.

May 2019 bring forth a season of redemption and enlightenment.

 

See you next year God willing.

Love, Angelica

The strength to keep going

I am sick and tired of people’s prayers. I just want for my life to get better.

 

That may sound a little harsh especially coming from a “Christian” but it’s how I feel and why I haven’t been open about what’s been going on in my head. Although it may not be how I truly feel (I believe there is power in prayer.) It may very well just be my seasonal depression and constant anxiety but how do I continue to choose to want to keep going when I don’t feel anything getting better? And maybe it is just me? Maybe I’m not praying enough but how do I force myself to pray when I can’t even figure out the words to say or even have the will to try?

 

I wrote those words in my journal this past Sunday. I was feeling very sad and just alone. My dad was leaving for Mexico that morning with his new wife and I was stuck here. I got so upset, how could he leave and take her, a woman he hasn’t even known for two years before he took me, his only daughter who’s biggest dream was to go. That wasn’t even the main thing I had been going through but it was the icing on the cake to make me have a complete breakdown and cry in front of the two of them for two hours straight Saturday evening before they left. My dad doesn’t understand depression or why I am the way I am or why I’m always sad whenever I come around him now. My dad was the only person I had for the past 13 years of my life and now it feels like I don’t even have him anymore. He says he’s still there but it doesn’t feel the same. It’s not the same.

 

The next day I knew, I just knew I was going to breakdown again in church and I did. The spirit really moved that day and God knew that I needed to feel His presence. I just needed to feel like someone was there and that I truly wasn’t alone.

 

I can not tell you the cure to depression or why you feel the way you do but I can tell you that you have to build up the strength to keep going. That’s what I’m doing or at least trying to do. So much can change in so little time but Gods plan for us isn’t to stay down forever.

 

“For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.”

Psalms 30:5

 

My joy has not come yet but it will…

 

I thank you all for allowing me to be so vulnerable with you. It isn’t always easy hitting the “Publish” button after pouring my heart out and wiping away tears while writing these posts but hearing some of your comments are why I continue being so open with you all. Like so many other’s out there, just because a person may not always look like they’re going through something, doesn’t mean they aren’t. I know that I said I was tired of hearing about people’s prayers but don’t let that stop you from praying for people. (You just don’t always need to tell them you’re praying for them.) Life happens, and life will always happen but you don’t have to go through it alone. Sometimes people don’t need your advice on what they’re going through, sometimes they just need you to be there and you may not even know it. I want to dedicate this post to my friend Imani. She doesn’t know it but I really needed a physical friend to just be there and she was that friend on Sunday. So thank you so much.

 

I hope this post does you well.

Love, Angelica

Thank u, next: I’m so greatful for my ex.

Every single one of them actually.

I just finished listening to Ariana Grande’s new song and I have to say, I’m very proud of her. I’ve been a fan of hers every since she was on Victorious. There was just something about her voice that amazed me while I sat there watching it with my nieces. She’s been through a lot just like me. From growing up in a broken home, struggling with anxiety, and going in and out of relationships. We have more than I thought we had in common. I on the other hand have never experienced the trauma of being involved in a mass shooting but being in huge crowds of people triggers my anxiety for that specific reason. I’m not saying we deal with the exact same struggles but I sympathize with her a lot. In her song she thanks her ex’s for the lessons each relationship taught her. It taught her how to love herself and learn how to be with herself. So I thought, “Wow, that’s exactly what I’ve been learning.” Relationships in general teach you a lot, about life, about heartache, and about yourself. I think about the ex’s that I was able to forgive and remain friends with but I also think about the ones I left and never wanted to see again. I’m learning to thank those ex’s too. What do I possible have to thank them for? Well, I thank them for realizing that I deserved more than half-love. I deserved someone committed to me and only me. I also thank them for allowing me to fall back in love in with God. To understand that He does and should always come first. To wait on Him and with Him until a man worthy enough of my love comes along. Not to rush love and settle for more pain just to say I have a partner. Love doesn’t hurt nor does it make you sit in your room at night and cry. I spent many nights alone in my room crying and wondering why does love always seem to be so hard. But I rose through it. Relationships should reflect God’s love and not anyone else’s definition of it.

“If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love. Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, Doesn’t have a swelled head, Doesn’t force itself on others, Isn’t always “me first,” Doesn’t fly off the handle, Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, Doesn’t revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end. Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.” ‭‭1 Corinthians‬ ‭13:3-10‬ ‭MSG‬‬

My prayer is for you, Ariana, and myself to continue falling in love with ourselves. This year I had realize that nobody got me like I got me. Take care of yourself. See a therapist. If something is wrong then try to fix it. Things may be hard right now but you’re going to be alright. God will get you through this just like He got you through everything else. You just have to Let Him.