I ask myself this at least five times a day. Mostly in a comical way after making a stupid decision or a sarcastic comment. But sometimes I really do ask God why am I like this?
I realize that my life is pretty difficult (which I do a good job of hiding) and I find myself battling things that only myself and God know about. I remember praying to God a few years ago to “Break my heart for what breaks Yours.” I was really in to Hillsong back then, little did I know that one day he would. Back then I didn’t fully know just how emotional I was. I didn’t know that I could feel things so deeply.
I follow the news often and one of the things that breaks my heart is what’s going on at our borders and in our country in general. It makes me angry and it makes me sad. The other day in prayer as I began to pray for those lives I started to cry, I cried so hard it was like I couldn’t stop. It was as if I had connections with those people, those children. When I look at the pictures on the news I see children I played with in church growing up, I saw mothers who fed me, and fathers that drove me to Bible camp in the church van. These are people, people like me and you and they don’t deserve to be locked in cages in search for a better life. I found myself asking God how this could happen and why would this happen? I prayed that one day soon this would all end. I have faith in God that one day it will. That those kids will grow up to be strong leaders and move the country in a new direction. Sometimes things are in our control and it’s up to us to turn it around. This may just be one of those things and I can’t sit around blaming God for bad things that happen.
I am reminded of Job, a person who had it all but then God took everything he had away in order to test him and so he was forced to cry out and ask God why. However, through it all Job had remained hopeful and I know that my people have hope. Hope that even though they may face death that they will continue to cross borders if it means their family could have a better life. It is what my dad did before he had me and even now at his old age he still works and sends money back home to our family in Mexico. My dad is not a rich man but he made a commitment.
“No, my hope will go down with me to the grave. We will rest together in the dust!”
When I was a teenager, my friends mom had just gotten back from Guatemala and she told us that we had to be radical for Jesus! We just rolled our eyes and laughed but she shook her head and told us that it was true! I still think about that day and what it’s like to be radical, to be loud, to take up space, and to do things that Hispanic women are often told not to do. Who knew that those words would stick with me ten years later. That I would find myself wanting to do more radical things for Christ. I may not be a great leader or have a huge following but I know that I can make an impact in the little things that I do and in the prayers that I say and in the leaders that I vote for.
I know now that God made me this way for a reason, quiet but outspoken. I grew up not saying much of anything but I observed a lot. I noticed things, grievances and injustices. I eventually learned to speak up for myself and what it was like to finally have a voice.
I pray this post does you well and that you realize that it’s okay to be you. To be radical and outspoken, to sometimes get riled up and say a bad word or five! Anyways, thanks for reading and for allowing me to take up space.
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdom’s cause
As I walk from earth into eternity
Hosanna- Hillsong UNITED