Get the work done

First thing I did when I got home was crack open a cold one. I don’t even drink during the week, let alone have that drink be a beer but it was THAT kind of day. Like all of my weeks this one has been especially long but it’s comforting to know that in just a few days I’ll be able to push everything aside and relax on the beach. It’s not always easy getting through day to day life and taking on new responsibilities while working full time and maintaining somewhat of a social life but it is possible.

 

But that’s just where I’m at. I choose to use this time while I’m single to do what I can and go where I can (If my schedule allows). But I need to focus more. Lately I’ve been caught up in some distractions which has made me realize that that’s not what my focus needs to be on right now.

 

Let me be a little more straightfoward. I’ve recently had a few guys come back in to my life and yes it’s all fun and games for now that is until your feelings start getting involved and your stuck thinking, “Wow God, maybe you removed this person from my life for a reason.” Or, “Maybe it’s for the best it didn’t work out and we can’t be together right now?” That last one hurt. But that’s just the way life goes. I can’t force God to bring someone into my life if He knows that I’m not ready. I just have to force myself to listen. Which I do, but believe you me it sure is tough.

 

Keep your focus on what God is calling you to do right now whether that’s taking on another job, working in ministry, or becoming someone’s mentor. Maybe God is calling you to reach out to other people and do some networking. Whatever it may be use your singleness to listen out for God. My roommate talks about realizing your purpose and up until moving in with her I had never really thought about what MY purpose was. I mean, I knew that we all have a purpose, but I never really thought to analyze what mine may be. God is calling each and every one of us to do something. It may not always be for our benefit, it could very much be to help someone else out. Either way, don’t let your singleness and eagerness to find a partner distract you from what God is doing in your life right now. Focus on the prize and run the race.

 

I guess being 25 has given me a boost of maturity and is not so bad afterall.

 

 

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.”

‭‭Hebrews‬ ‭12:1‬ ‭NLT‬‬

 

 

BTW quick plug: My roommates a blogger too, check her out! And remember to like, comment, and share!

https://mbmdotlife.wordpress.com/

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Writing is hard but good.

At least for me. I’m not sure if you aspire to be a writer like me, but sometimes I get stuck and I’m left with little or no will to write. I say will because sometimes I play it off and say, “I have no inspriration.” But in all honestly, I get lazy and don’t always feel like opening up my computer or even journal.

 

I’m going to get better at this. My journal has become my new friend and even though I don’t always feel like writing I force myself to. I write about a number of things but mostly about guys. I have about five different journal entries on different guys (none of which I’m dating, relax.) But it helps me process the things, events that take place in my life. Those “does he like me/ does he not like me” moments and the “Are you there God? It’s me Angelica.” ones (I feel God really enjoys those.) If I can just put something on my pen and pad I feel like I have accomplished something. I mean, if you truly love something, then why not do it as much as you can. I do love writing but my mind is constantly in so many places at once, journaling is oftentimes one of the last things I feel like doing.

 

My advice to my fellow aspiring writers is to keep writing, write anything. What you like or what’s going on in your life right now. How do you feel? What do you think God is telling you throughout all of this or where He is leading you? The second thing to do is to READ! This is actually harder for me to do than writing at times. But it’s true! When you don’t have anything to write about then read. Read anything. I picked up three books today at the Library to take with me while I start my vacation this weekend. So challenge yourself! In the mean time I will too and I promise we’ll get through this together.

 

Love, Angie

 

P.s. I know three may seem a bit much but I wanted to pick books on various subjects and so I have listed them here:

  1. Still Waiting: The Perils and Pleasures of a Creative Life by Dani Shapiro (Nonfiction)
  2. Let’s Talk about Love by Claire Kann (Fiction Novel)
  3. We Are the Ones We Have Been Waiting For by Alice Walker (Poetry/Meditations)

Check them out and let me know if you have any suggestions. Like, comment, and share!

Twenty (freaking) Five.

May has been stagnant to say the least. Not really a bad thing because June is going to be CRAZY! I have so many things going on this month that I had to create an actual google calendar for it. The most important of these events however is well, MY BIRTHDAY! Yes, I will be turning 25 on June 7th and I thought I’d take this time to share a few thoughts and reflections on my upcoming birthday and how I’ve just been handling life so far.

Also, earlier this month I got the opportunity to do a little photoshoot with a friend of mine so I’ll be showing you guys a few of those pics here as well!

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  1. I didn’t think that a quarter of a midlife crisis was a real thing but it is. The other day I was driving and i asked myself, “Am I really about to be Twenty-Five!?” The answer is yes, yes I am. But what does that mean? Lowered car insurance? Not having to pay a young renters fee when booking a rental car? Being able to date a 30 year old man?

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2. Woah did you say 30 year old men? I must admit, the idea is a little intriguing but I still feel like that awkward 16 year old girl that eats chicken nuggets after school and is super in to the Twilight Saga. Do I really want to date a 30 year old? Do I want to date period? I mean it’s been a good four months since I’ve been out with anyone which isn’t a bad thing. Don’t get me wrong, it’s perfectly fine to date when your single but I think that being able to take a break sometimes and focus solely on what you have going on for a few months is a great thing. Dating can get exhausting and when your doing it with someone you don’t necessarily see yourself with in the future then what’s the point?

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3. I feel extremely blessed to be in the season that I am in. God always surrounds me with the people that I need in my life. I’m at a church that I love and I’m joining ministries that I never imagined I’d ever do. It still gets me nervous sometimes though. It’s always been a struggle for me to really open up and talk to people but socializing around big crowds of people gives me anxiety. I’ve opened up before about being shy but I have improved. I love having small one-on-one conversations with people all day but get me infront of a crowd of people and I’ll try my hardest not to cry. SERIOUSLY! However, I feel like the best way for me to get over this is to just get in there and do it. Get used to it, start talking to people, make yourself present. You can’t hide in the background forever.

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4. I’ve been trying to focus more on my writing. I’m starting to become a little more passionate about it whether it’s this blog, practicing my poetry, or just writing little snippets of things I want to include in my novel (Which I finally started but don’t get ahead of yourselves, that project may take a few more years to finish!) I have two journals that I try to take with me whenever I feel like I may have a few moments to spare. They’re not that full but I think I got some good stuff in there.

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5. Life gets hard sometimes, whether it’s my bills, health, or just family issues. I’ve learned that a lot of things are just out of my control. My depression and anxiety being one of them. I feel like I could be able to work on and put out so much more content but when I get home most of the time I just want to lay in me bed and watch YouTube videos until 12am. I don’t talk about it much but every since my mom’s brain surgery back in November my anxiety has been at crazy levels. I get scared to answer my phone sometimes because I think whoever is on the other line is giving me bad news. I know I need to see a therapist but I can’t afford that right now even with my insurance soooo I’ve been taking the holistic approach. I bathe in lavendar soap and limit my caffeine and alcohol consumption. Also, prayer. I know that God will prepare me for whatever battles come my way and He has been my rock throughout all of this. God will always be enough and I know that when the time is right he will provide and steer me in the right direction to seeing a Christian therapist or counselor.

I want to thank you guys for allowing me to be vunerable in my posts. I feel a real connection with you all when you tell me you’ve read my posts. I hope to really continue to pour my all in to these posts. I realize that I could have shut this down and abandoned it like I do with a lot of things I start but God has really been motivating me to keep going. I love you all and my prayer is that we all can continue to grow in the Lord this year. I’ve come a long way since dedicating my life to Him at 16 but I have to much farther to go! I can’t wait to continue sharing this journey with you whether it’s my accomplishments, mistakes, or just more, “He did what!?” dating stories.

And last but certaintly not least, I have to give a HUGE shoutout and Thank You to my friend LaKayla for photographing me. I let her know that this was NOT something I was used to but we had a great time in Downtown Richmond!

This vision is for a future time.
    It describes the end, and it will be fulfilled.
If it seems slow in coming, wait patiently,
    for it will surely take place.
    It will not be delayed.

Habakuk 2:3 NLT

Thanks again for reading, like comment and share!

Childish Gambino and my longstanding love for the unconventional black man.

I remember walking in to a GAP store years ago, probably sometime in the winter of 2011 while I was at home on break with some friends. I saw this huge picture of Donald Glover modeling for the brand. In a small description off to the corner had his name and that he was a musician so naturally I went home and googled him. I INSTANTLY fell in love when I listened “Break.”

“These black girls with natural hair that keep up with their Tumblrs.”

If you knew me during this time then you know I was heavy on Tumblr back then. However, this isn’t about my weirdness. It’s about Donald’s, who’s been gaining a lot of attention lately especially with his new song, THIS IS AMERICA (if you haven’t seen it already then I suggest you head to YouTube to witness the masterpice it is). After his new video dropped people praised him on his ability to bring racial injustice issues to a visual art but soon after there were people to rain on his parade. One of the things that I heard people talking about was the fact that his girlfriend (and mother of his children) is not black and it raised the question with some people about his ability (or lack of) to be “pro black” while being with someone outside of his race. Oddly enough many people think that you can’t. I for one enormously disagree with this because 1. You fall in love with whoever you fall in love with and you can’t FORCE yourself to fall in love with someone because they are the same race as you. And 2. Unless that person is preventing you from expressing your blackness I see no issue. You think if she was stopping him from being Childish Gambino he would still be with her? I think not.

 

One of the responses I’ve seen since this conversation started was how Donald Glover always viewed himself as a “weirdo” or an “outsider.” Which he was and one of the reasons why I fell in love with him. He’s also talked about how in the past some black women weren’t attracted to him because he didn’t fit into the standard black male narrative so it shouldn’t really be a surprise that he found love with a woman that wasn’t black. I mean, were black women checking for Gambino when Because the Internet came out?? Not really, so let this man live.

 

I however have been a Gambino fan since the ROYALTY mistape (so many good hidden features.)

 

Anyways, I look back on some of the unconventional black men I’ve know in real life, and had some crushes on, maybe even dated, and I think about how they always knew they were different. They were still proud to be black but they knew they were different. I guess it’s easier for me to like different things outside of the “normal black narrative” becasue I’m a female but why is it different for black boys to like anime or Led Zepplin or Star Wars? Why do we consider them weird or even call them white? It’s hurtful and mean. Let these black men like what they like and wear Toms if they want to. It’s almost as if they have to limit themselves to rap music, Jordans, and disrespecting women.

 

Unconventional black men are creative, intelligent, and deserving of our love and respect too.

 

 

An open letter to my ex(best friend).

I noticed you unblocked me a year or so ago. I’m not entirely sure as to why but as any normal person would, I scroll through your pictures sometimes. It’s crazy to me that you’re a mother now. I’m honestly happy for you. I know we didn’t end on the best of terms and I’ve tried apologizing to you but I think it was your pride that got in the way. That doesn’t mean that what I said to you was any better. I was hurt. But I neglected to think about how you really felt. I understand now that I can’t convince someone to unlove a person and you aren’t the only one that’s made me come to that realization. I want you to know that I still pray for you every now and then. As I get older I realize how many stupid things I’ve done, that we’ve all done and how I wish I could take them back or at least handle the situation differently. I honestly do apologize for the way I spoke to you. I was way out of line and you responded in a way that shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me. But moving past that. I think about your mom a lot. I hope she’s doing well. She was always so welcoming to me, she treated me better than my own mother when I truly think about it. Anyways, I past by their house all the time. My sister bought a house on the next street over. Every now and then I see your mom driving and it’s so funny to me.

With all of that being said, my hope is that one day we can have a conversation together. Maybe not as best friends but as old friends.

– La Angèlica

A friend like Paul

I would love to have a friend like Paul. Paul was great, he was single, he didn’t have any distractions, and he dedicated his life to the Lord. Paul didn’t need a spouse. His main purpose in life was to spread the word of God to people and proclaim the name of Jesus. What I also love about Paul is that he was straightforward with the people he loved. Especially in his letters to the Corinthians. He wasn’t afraid of giving people the hard truth and letting them know that they  needed to repent. He didn’t sugar coat anything, and that’s how I like to be. I don’t like to tell people what they want to hear but rather tell them what they need to hear because I want what’s best for people especially the people I know and love. I hate to see people in situations that I know they don’t have to be in. I can remember this one time in college I was going out with this guy who wasn’t the greatest boyfriend to me (but that’s neither here nor there) anyways, the guy and I had broken up (probably one of the many times) and I had this friend whom I was really close with at the time. Well I remember venting to her about the break up and how horrible he was to me and she said something to me along the lines of, “Well I always wanted to tell you that you shouldn’t get back with him because he wasn’t right for you but I didn’t want to get involved.” And I was shocked after she said that. In my mind I was like, “Bro, wtf why didn’t you stop me?” I mean, I don’t know about you but I like to be warned when it seems like I’m about to make a bad decision. Nonetheless, I feel like had I of been friends with Paul in this situation he would have said something like, “Look girl, this boy right here is not the wave. You need to just relax, focus on your classes and the Lord because this young man was not ready to be in a relationship and neither are you right now. Honestly, the both of you have a lot of growing up to do.”

 

My man Paul.

 

Now don’t get me wrong. We always have a friend in Jesus but Jesus was perfect and sometimes it’s hard going to that perfect friend for advice when they’ve never experienced something you’ve been through. It doesn’t mean that they’ll give you bad advice. It just means that it can be difficult absorbing that information because you’ll be thinking, “What do you know? You’ve never done anything remotely close to this!” That’s why Paul would also make a great friend. Paul was a sinner. Paul, formerly king Saul (See Acts ch.9), was evil. He killed people for following Jesus but when God spoke to him he turned away from that life and pursued God wholeheartedly. I can only imagine how difficult it was for him at first because people didn’t believe him because he had such a dark past. Now I have a past that I’m not particularly proud of either. Sometimes I too look back and think, “Wow, I was really wildin’ back then.” It was as if I had this secret side of me that no one, except the men I was with at the time, knew about. Some of these things were still going on just last year and to this day I have moments where I still feel guilty. I still feel dirty. Yet, God still loves me just as much then when I was going from man to man as He does now. Now that I am truly single and not giving in to those temptations or looking for my next boyfriend I think about my past and thank God that I am not that woman anymore. I know that Paul would have accepted my past and would tell me that I shouldn’t worry about it anymore but instead to use it as my testimony for others going through similar situations.

 

I want to encourage you guys to not just find a friend like Paul but be a friend like Paul.

 

Thanks for reading. Like, comment, and share 🙂

-Angie

Dating distractions?

I realized today that Sundays are the best days for me to work on new posts not only because they are my “rest days” but because I get so much inspiration from Sunday morning service. I always get these ideas of topics I want to talk about but I’m unable to piece them all together because my brain gets so scattered. Plus most of my posts are of me just free writing. The reason why I don’t like starting posts and then working on them later is because I feel like I lose that drive or passion I get when I’m just ranting. Which, about 75% of my posts are of me just ranting but I digress.

 

Today at my Pastor talked about distractions and for the most part it seemed like cell phones were being served as our biggest distractions but I of course wanted to talk about men. Yes, men can be a huge distraction. I know because they certainly were for me. I say “were” because with my life being set up the way it is right now I definitely do not have the patience to deal with dating right now. But maybe you’re being distracted by dating? I mean, summer is coming. It’s slowly getting warmer, clothes tend to become lighter, DISTRACTIONS! Anyways, how do you know if your dating life is being a distraction or actually turning in to something? I for one tend to lose interest after a while and I find that sometimes guys can fit a certain description that we see as good fit but often times there’s just something missing.

 

What is that something though?

 

It’s like a certain spark or chemistry and if he doesn’t have it then it’s just a distraction to me. Plus there’s other characteristics to look for when determining whether or not that person is just a distraction. At this point in my life I am looking for someone that is wholeheartedly chasing after God. Not someone that’s just looking to become more “Spiritual.” I mean that’s cool for you and all but I want someone that can really dive into Romans with me if I ask and also go to church with. Someone that likes to go to church and not just do it because it’s the “right thing to do”. I remember last year I dated this guy that told me, “Oh I just don’t do Sunday morning service.” Literally like three sundays after going to a Sunday morning service with me at one of the Elevation campuses. So be careful, I think that we all should know by now that guys will tell you anything just to have sex with you. Yes, even these “Christian” ones.

 

And another thing, if he hasn’t commited to you by now then he’s just another distraction. You guys have been casually dating for how many months now and he has not even brought up the topic of a relationship yet? Let. It. Go. Do not give these men girlfriend benefits without the title because yes, TITLES DO MATTER!

 

One of the questions I still get asked the most is “Angelica, why are you still single?” and I hate answering this because if I could magically make a man appear that loved the Lord and actually liked me too then I would have been did that. The problem is I can’t just settle for any guy that likes me. 

 

And you shouldn’t either, you deserve a man that’s going to pursue you and not just treat you like arm candy. You deserve more than that.

 

I hope that you girls (and some guys) have had the chance to take something away from this. I feel a bit of hesitation putting this out there but maybe someone needed to hear it.

 

Thanks for reading!

 

Angelica

 

P.s. Got a subject you want me talk about? Let me know in the comments!

 

World Poetry Day

Since today is World Poetry Day I thought I’d share just a few poems by some of my favorite poets that I absolutely adore. Here they are:

 

I am not jealous
of what came before me.

Come with a man
on your shoulders,
come with a hundred men in your hair,
come with a thousand men between your breasts and your feet,
come like a river
full of drowned men
which flows down to the wild sea,
to the eternal surf, to Time!

Bring them all
to where I am waiting for you;
we shall always be alone,
we shall always be you and I
alone on earth,
to start our life!

Always by Pablo Neruda

 

Petulant priests, greedy
centurions, and one million
incensed gestures stand
between your love and me.

Your agape sacrifice
is reduced to colored glass,
vapid penance, and the
tedium of ritual.

Your footprints yet
mark the crest of
billowing seas but
your joy
fades upon the tablets
of ordained prophets.

Visit us again, Savior.
Your children, burdened with
disbelief, blinded by a patina
of wisdom,
carom down this vale of
fear. We cry for you
although we have lost
your name

Savior by Maya Angelou*

 

Because I could not stop for Death-
He kindly stopped for me-
The Carriage held but just Ourselves-
And Immortality.

We slowly drove- He knew no haste
And I had put away
My labor and my leisure too,
For His Civility-

We passed the School, where Children strove
At Recess- in the Ring-
We passed the Fields of Gazing Grain-
We passed the Setting Sun-

Or rather- He passed us-
The Dews drew quivering and chill-
For only Gossamer, my Gown-
My Tippet- only Tulle-

We paused before a House that seemed
A Swelling of the Ground-
The Roof was scarcely visible-
The Cornice- in the Ground-

Since then- ’tis Centuries- and yet
Feels shorter than the Day
I first surmised the Horses’ Heads
Were toward Eternity-

Because I Could Not Stop for Death by Emily Dickinson

 

if it doesn’t come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don’t do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don’t do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don’t do it.
if you’re doing it for money or
fame,
don’t do it.
if you’re doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don’t do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don’t do it.
if it’s hard work just thinking about doing it,
don’t do it.
if you’re trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.
if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.

if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you’re not ready.

don’t be like so many writers,
don’t be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don’t be dull and boring and
pretentious, don’t be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don’t add to that.
don’t do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don’t do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don’t do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.

So You Want to Be a Writer by Charles Bukowski *

Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?

 

A Dream Within A Dream by Edgar Allen Poe

The Pool Players.
Seven at the Golden Shovel.

We real cool. We
Left school. We

Lurk late. We
Strike straight. We

Sing sin. We
Thin gin. We

Jazz June. We
Die soon.

We Real Cool by Gwendolyn Brooks *

 

I hope that you guys enjoyed reading these as much as I did when I first read them. Poetry has always been my favorite writing style especially when it comes to reading and exploring different writers. From the prose to the detail to the absolute rawness and vulnerabilty that these writers bring is something that I’ve always wanted to include in my own writing whether it’s through my blogs or personal writing. If you noticed, some of the authors have an asterisk* beside them. Those are my Top 3 favourite poets in no particular order however, all of these writers mean a great deal to me. I remember being a senior in high school reading We Real Cool for the first time. My heart stopped once I got to the last two lines and I immediately had to find more of her work. But enough about my poetry geekness. I hope that you all got a chance to explore some great poetry today and if you want you can read some of my own pieces here. Lastly, what are some of your favorite poems or poets? I’d love to hear from you in a comment below!

Under attack?

I feel like the devil has really been coming after me lately. A few people know already but last wednesday I was in another car accident. I’m okay. A little sore still but I’ll be fine.

 

Anyways, no one likes to get in to car accidents. To me it just seemed like yet another thing for me to deal with. It just felt like moment after moment I was being hit (no pun inteded) with more bad news. For starters, my insurance company didn’t want to pay for my car to get fixed. Or should I say, my CLAIMS ADJUSTER didn’t. My car barely looked scratched and as for inside work it was the same. He wouldn’t let me get a second opinion, he didn’t want to release my car to me, he wouldn’t even let me keep my rental car for a SECOND DAY even though Geico says that they would pay for it for up to THREE days.

 

But upon dealing with all of that I can say that through it all I have been surrounded by so many people reaching out to me and praying over me. I honestly get so overwhelmed by the many prayers I’ve received. The past five days have been really challenging. Mentally, physically, and spiritually. But one thing stood out to me during this past Sunday’s service. My pastor said something along the lines of, “Christians always try to act surprised when the devil attacks you.” And boy was I surpised when I got hit by that postal truck. Plus my insurance company showing ZERO sympathy for me was exactly what I needed after that. My prayers have been short but they were still there. It just felt like what am I supposed to pray for when I keep expecting to get more bad news? As Christians we shouldn’t be so surprised when satan attacks. He comes to steal, kill, and destroy right?

 

Why am I discouraged?
    Why is my heart so sad?
I will put my hope in God!
    I will praise him again—
    my Savior and my God! 

Psalm 42:11

 

But who knows. God may have allowed this to happen but He kept me alive through it all. The devil may have tried to break my spirit (and honestly may have succeeded a little) by sending his own demonic claims adjuster to inspect my car but it was finally released to me and I was able to keep it as well as get it fixed at a much better, more resonably priced shop. Before today I was so confused about what to pray for. I am so thankful that I am okay and was able to return to work. I now realize that I just have to put my hope in God. This won’t be the first time I’ll be under attack. I’m sure the devil is just waiting to strike me again but isn’t that why faith is such a wonderful thing?

 

Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.

Romans 12:12

 

Continue praying for me and as always I will continue to pray for you.

 

-Angelica

 

BTW don’t get Geico insurance, they are horrible.

Two and a half years

It’s been two and half years since my one of my biggest heartaches.

It’s been two and half years of mindless dating.

It’s been two and a half years of more mistakes.

It’s been two and half years of “rediscovering myself”

It’s been two and a half years of growing, learning, and yearning for God to take control of my life.

And it’s been two and half years of pure loneliness.

 

Almost two years ago I wrote Where do I go from here? I was so inpired and eager to look forward to my future. I thought that perhaps maybe two years from then I’d finally be in love and moving forward with my life. But I’m not. If I’m being honest with you guys and myself, lately I’ve been having a hard time with singleness. In previous posts I was the girl that was in control of her singleness and didn’t need to waste her time trying to look for my future mate. But if I could just be vulnerable for a moment, I am not always that girl. I struggle with singleness, and I struggle with seeing that my ex fiance is still with the woman he cheated with me on and had a baby with. I struggle with going to church and seeing so many young seemingly happy couples in love because sometimes I want that too. I do want the happiness of being in love.

 

I’m writing this to let you know that I struggle just like you do. It gets hard and my mind gets tired of wondering if today will be the day I meet my future husband. I am sick of scrolling through instagram secretly looking for single men who look like they love God. Life is already draining enough and yet I dig the whole even deeper by coming home from work and listening to love songs and daydreaming about one day. 

 

So then what do I do? Truth is, I don’t know. Only God knows. I’ve dated plenty of men after my last breakup, even asked God time and time again, “Lord, is this the one?” and time and time again God let me know that it wasn’t. Okay, so what do I do in the mean time? I chase after God, I focus on my job, I spend time with my friends and enoying the life that I have, but I still want more. I am so happy for my friends who are in love but I want my own. They tell me, “Angelica, you’re going to meet him one day and it’s going to be so beautiful!” But when? I have been blessed with my car, my job, and in a few weeks I’ll be moving out of my dad’s place, but I want to keep searching for that missing piece.

 

Have you ever tried to do a jigsaw puzzle and you start working a certain section, pretty soon you get focused on looking for a particular piece? You spend minutes, perhaps hours (depending on the size of the puzzle) looking for it. You can’t find it so you finally move on focusing on other pieces and then once the puzzle finally starts to come together you look over and there it is, the missing piece. What I think God wants us to do is to move on and stop searching for that missing piece, spend some time putting the other parts of your life together and then when the time is right, God will reveal that missing piece to you.

 

I started reading this book recently called Party of One and it talks about how it is okay to struggle with singleness. I haven’t finished reading it yet, but so far it’s talking about a lot of the things that I have been going through. Having to take this time to really use your life to pursue God can be challenging but it’s so worth it. Imagine looking back years from now and sitting with your spouse talking about all the things you guys did before knowing each other and then add them to the things you two accomplished together. If we want to truly live a life worth living then we can’t always sit in our rooms alone sulking and waiting for the day we meet our spouse. Being single and lonely is not a terminal illness. Go out and do something amazing with your life.

 

Thanks for reading, like comment, share 🙂

 

-Angie