It’s been two and half years since my one of my biggest heartaches.
It’s been two and half years of mindless dating.
It’s been two and a half years of more mistakes.
It’s been two and half years of “rediscovering myself”
It’s been two and a half years of growing, learning, and yearning for God to take control of my life.
And it’s been two and half years of pure loneliness.
Almost two years ago I wrote Where do I go from here? I was so inpired and eager to look forward to my future. I thought that perhaps maybe two years from then I’d finally be in love and moving forward with my life. But I’m not. If I’m being honest with you guys and myself, lately I’ve been having a hard time with singleness. In previous posts I was the girl that was in control of her singleness and didn’t need to waste her time trying to look for my future mate. But if I could just be vulnerable for a moment, I am not always that girl. I struggle with singleness, and I struggle with seeing that my ex fiance is still with the woman he cheated with me on and had a baby with. I struggle with going to church and seeing so many young seemingly happy couples in love because sometimes I want that too. I do want the happiness of being in love.
I’m writing this to let you know that I struggle just like you do. It gets hard and my mind gets tired of wondering if today will be the day I meet my future husband. I am sick of scrolling through instagram secretly looking for single men who look like they love God. Life is already draining enough and yet I dig the whole even deeper by coming home from work and listening to love songs and daydreaming about one day.
So then what do I do? Truth is, I don’t know. Only God knows. I’ve dated plenty of men after my last breakup, even asked God time and time again, “Lord, is this the one?” and time and time again God let me know that it wasn’t. Okay, so what do I do in the mean time? I chase after God, I focus on my job, I spend time with my friends and enoying the life that I have, but I still want more. I am so happy for my friends who are in love but I want my own. They tell me, “Angelica, you’re going to meet him one day and it’s going to be so beautiful!” But when? I have been blessed with my car, my job, and in a few weeks I’ll be moving out of my dad’s place, but I want to keep searching for that missing piece.
Have you ever tried to do a jigsaw puzzle and you start working a certain section, pretty soon you get focused on looking for a particular piece? You spend minutes, perhaps hours (depending on the size of the puzzle) looking for it. You can’t find it so you finally move on focusing on other pieces and then once the puzzle finally starts to come together you look over and there it is, the missing piece. What I think God wants us to do is to move on and stop searching for that missing piece, spend some time putting the other parts of your life together and then when the time is right, God will reveal that missing piece to you.
I started reading this book recently called Party of One and it talks about how it is okay to struggle with singleness. I haven’t finished reading it yet, but so far it’s talking about a lot of the things that I have been going through. Having to take this time to really use your life to pursue God can be challenging but it’s so worth it. Imagine looking back years from now and sitting with your spouse talking about all the things you guys did before knowing each other and then add them to the things you two accomplished together. If we want to truly live a life worth living then we can’t always sit in our rooms alone sulking and waiting for the day we meet our spouse. Being single and lonely is not a terminal illness. Go out and do something amazing with your life.
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