I am sick and tired of people’s prayers. I just want for my life to get better.
That may sound a little harsh especially coming from a “Christian” but it’s how I feel and why I haven’t been open about what’s been going on in my head. Although it may not be how I truly feel (I believe there is power in prayer.) It may very well just be my seasonal depression and constant anxiety but how do I continue to choose to want to keep going when I don’t feel anything getting better? And maybe it is just me? Maybe I’m not praying enough but how do I force myself to pray when I can’t even figure out the words to say or even have the will to try?
I wrote those words in my journal this past Sunday. I was feeling very sad and just alone. My dad was leaving for Mexico that morning with his new wife and I was stuck here. I got so upset, how could he leave and take her, a woman he hasn’t even known for two years before he took me, his only daughter who’s biggest dream was to go. That wasn’t even the main thing I had been going through but it was the icing on the cake to make me have a complete breakdown and cry in front of the two of them for two hours straight Saturday evening before they left. My dad doesn’t understand depression or why I am the way I am or why I’m always sad whenever I come around him now. My dad was the only person I had for the past 13 years of my life and now it feels like I don’t even have him anymore. He says he’s still there but it doesn’t feel the same. It’s not the same.
The next day I knew, I just knew I was going to breakdown again in church and I did. The spirit really moved that day and God knew that I needed to feel His presence. I just needed to feel like someone was there and that I truly wasn’t alone.
I can not tell you the cure to depression or why you feel the way you do but I can tell you that you have to build up the strength to keep going. That’s what I’m doing or at least trying to do. So much can change in so little time but Gods plan for us isn’t to stay down forever.
“For His anger is but for a moment, His favor is for life; Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.”
My joy has not come yet but it will…
I thank you all for allowing me to be so vulnerable with you. It isn’t always easy hitting the “Publish” button after pouring my heart out and wiping away tears while writing these posts but hearing some of your comments are why I continue being so open with you all. Like so many other’s out there, just because a person may not always look like they’re going through something, doesn’t mean they aren’t. I know that I said I was tired of hearing about people’s prayers but don’t let that stop you from praying for people. (You just don’t always need to tell them you’re praying for them.) Life happens, and life will always happen but you don’t have to go through it alone. Sometimes people don’t need your advice on what they’re going through, sometimes they just need you to be there and you may not even know it. I want to dedicate this post to my friend Imani. She doesn’t know it but I really needed a physical friend to just be there and she was that friend on Sunday. So thank you so much.
I hope this post does you well.