Last week was blurry, long, and tiresome and on top of that, I had absolutely no will to spend time with God. I know I should have, I knew I needed to. I went to bed every night thinking to myself, “I should pray” or “I should really read my devotional” but I still chose not to. I still felt God’s presence but instead I chose to ignore it. Why? I just didn’t feel like it. Sometimes I just have those days, those weeks, those moments where I just don’t feel like it. Maybe it was my seasonal depression, maybe I was just tired, and exhausted from that weekend in DC, maybe it was from work, and my other weekly responsibities. I had other things on my mind as well. I needed to get my headlight fixed, I had to get my car inspected, I needed to make sure I had enough gas in my car until I got paid. I just had a lot going on (as always) and I had no will in me to take the time to stop and give time to God. In reality, it probably would have benefitted me tremendously if I did. I told myself everyday that I would make up for it the next day but I never did.
I had time for distractions though. I had all the time in the world to be on Instagram and Twitter but gave no time for God. After church this morning I sat myself down, away from my phone and thought about my distractions. Why did I feed in to them so much? Because they do exactly what they are. They distract me from my priorities, my responsibilities, and the things I actually needed to be focused on. I told myself after my fast that I’d work harder when it came to setting aside my quiet time but I haven’t been too devoted to that. I always feel like I’m being pulled in so many different directions and committing to too many things at once when God is right there telling me that I just need to stop and remove all of my distractions. He even gave me the time when I went in to my part time job Thursday evening and my pharmacist told me that I didn’t have to stay because it wasn’t busy. So I bought a bottle of red wine, went home and showered and relaxed. I was so thankful of the time to myself and to be able to rest.
I thought about that evening today after church, and I thought about yesterday when my 22 year old nephew added me on FaceBook and told me how he can’t wait to meet me. It’s moments like those where I take God’s love for me for granted so often and I’m left feeling guilty and ashamed. Even when I don’t show Him the love He deserves, He still loves me unconditionally to say the least.
“That is why the Lord says, “Turn to me now, while there is time. Give me your hearts. Come with fasting, weeping, and mourning.”
This past week I found myself wishing that I was deeply in love with God. I can try to convince myself that I am but honestly my actions don’t always prove that to be true. The truth is that I am not perfect and that is okay. It’s okay to have bad weeks, bad days, bad moments. The idea is to not stay there. So, if God is telling me to remove those distractions in order to seek His face again then that’s just what I have to do in order to fall deeply in love with Him.
I hope this post finds you well. See you in April!
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