In the past few days I’ve discovered that being celibate for a year and half doesn’t protect you from still getting fed lies from men.
When I gave up sex I thought to myself, “okay this is it, I’ll be able to easily weed out the bad guys and just focus on myself and my walk and at the right time God will send someone.” But I wasn’t fully prepared for it. I struggled a little harder than I thought I would and didn’t even realize it. I wasn’t craving sex I was craving attention with a little intimacy. I just wanted to be around a man that wanted me and I actually wanted back. It sounds a little confusing but I don’t find myself interested in plenty men. I’m attracted to intelligence as well as godliness and you don’t find much of that where I live.
So I reconnected with someone, an old friend, and what meant to solely be friendship ended up being a little more. But he was already committed to someone else and even though I told myself and him time and time again that it wasn’t right and I shouldn’t allow myself to get involved with someone like this especially after being cheated on myself. I still fell victim to the lies, to the sweet nothings. He tried to convince me that what we had was special that it was meant to be. But how could it be when he already belonged to someone else? And I didn’t for once think that he would actually leave her. A part of me didn’t want him to because I knew. I KNEW he wasn’t the man God wanted me to be with. I just wanted someone to hold me.
In the end I finally decided to just let the whole thing go and I’m okay with that. I just can’t imagine me having had the same reaction if we had been sexually intimate. But emotionally it was still wrong. It just further lets me know that I still need Jesus and I still need time to be alone. Celibacy isn’t the easiest thing to do but when you have time to sit and actually observe the ridiculous things men say/do to you and your girlfriends you realize why it’s necessary.
My suffering was good for me,
for it taught me to pay attention to your decrees. Psalm 119:71
That’s all for now. See you in May or possibly sooner?
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