Last Cigarette 

Have you ever been that person that your friends come to for advice sometimes? And then after you think wow my friends are so lucky to have me because that would totally be what I would have done if I was in that situation. But then only to find yourself in that EXACT position and NOT do what you said you’d do? What I’m trying to say is, things are easier said than done. 

Sometimes we find ourselves in positions that we promised we would not put ourselves in again and yet, here we are. But I will admit to my mistakes, I know that I am not perfect and I fail God every day but I am trying. Sometimes it takes one last mistake to truly get your mind focused on what’s right. But it’s hard. They’ll be setbacks, withdrawals, pressure and many times we give in to it. 

“Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak.””

‭‭Mark‬ ‭14:38 NLT

Now I don’t smoke but my mom did. Marlboro lights 100s. Towards the end of last year my aunt came out and told us that she had COPD as well a few other health issues. My mom took it really hard so she quit smoking. Just like that, cold turkey. And I knew how difficult it was for her especially when my aunt passed away a few months ago. But my mom didn’t give up. She’s still cigarette free for about 7 months now and I’m proud of her. 

Temptation is hard. We all give in to it sometimes but try not to be so hard on yourselves when you do. Instead pray about it and ask God to remove what ever desire it is that is tempting you whether it be a cigarette, a drink, or a person. Things will eventually get easier to resist but it depends on your willingness to trust in Him. 

Daddy’s girl.

I had originally planned to write and have this post ready on actual Father’s Day but like I do every Sunday, I came home from church, ate, and took a long and much needed nap. Then I woke up and got distracted by Twitter and TV.

 

 

But anyways…

 

 

My father. There are so many things I can say about him, many of which people already know. He’s this strong, hard working, faithful man of God that many people see and what I see as well. It’s amazing to me how many people come up to me in church and say, “oh Arturo is your dad? We love him so much!” Yes, my dad loves serving, and seeing him active in church has given me a love for it as well. Now I probably don’t have a wake up at 7am on a Saturday morning love of serving like he does but i’m getting there.

 

 

Since I started blogging I’ve been pretty forward about my upbringing. But to catch some of you guys up here it is; My parents got married a year and a half after I was born and they separated just days before my twelfth birthday. For as long as I can remember I have always been a daddy’s girl so it was no question that I would remain living with my dad. But it was hard. I mean at the time my mom had her own demons she was struggling with so staying with my dad was the best decision I could have made and it would have broke my daddy’s heart for him to see me leave. I literally am the only family my dad has in the state of Virginia. As I look back on those days I can’t help but be amazed at how far we’ve come. Not only was I going through puberty at the time of the separation and didn’t have my mom around but it just seemed like life was just getting harder and harder. There were so many times where my daddy couldn’t find work, couldn’t afford rent, couldn’t afford to pay bills. We spent summers without water and/or air conditioning, winters without heat, months without transportation but I never went hungry. I always had clean clothes and I always had my dad who loved me and prayed for me. Prayed for us. And God always came through and provided.

 

 

This year for Father’s Day I brought him some food from this new Peruvian place by the house and my dad loved it. After we ate he went in his room and took a nap and as I layed in my bed I just thanked God for us being able to enjoy this hot day inside with central air! Sometimes I look at my life and I think that I’m just stuck and I can’t seem to be moving in any direction but then I look at all the blessings around me and rejoice. They may be small things that most people don’t think about but when you’ve spent summers in a house with no air and it’s 95 degrees outside and you look forward to night time, you’ll realized just how blessed you are. Even when you can’t see God moving, He is.

 

 

I truly thank God for my dad’s role in my life. It’s taught me just how much it means to truly be a man and I use my father as a model for how I would want my future husband to treat me and be a father to our kids. Which really eliminates a lot of guys that I shouldn’t be dealing with in the first place and that’s wonderful. I want to be with a man that my father would be proud to see me with. A man that my dad knows will be faithful in his walk with The Lord, that will work hard to provide, and that I can be safe and secure around.

 

 

So thank you daddy, for raising me in the church, for taking me to the park on saturdays in exchange for pulling out your gray hairs, for always buying me something no matter what store we were in (even Lowe’s), for giving me money for my feminine hygiene products as a teenager and then making corny jokes about them, “You bought a box of cookies?”, for laughing with me when I have to correct you on your accent on certain American words, for everything. Even as a 24 year old woman who’s the same height as you, I am still and will always be your little girl. 

Ladies: Do not let these men fool you in to thinking that you should be paying for your own meal on dates…

Or what I should have said was, not to let these HURT men fool you in to thinking that you should be paying for your own meal on dates. I’ve seen this conversation come up before, there’s videos of people talking about it on facebook. I even started watching some but I could never get through the whole thing and I have finally decided to make a response. Men and women who believe in “going dutch” and yes I’ve paid for my own meal before, even paid for meals for my man but the key factor in this was that he was MY MAN and it’s healthy to treat your man because he deserves it.

 

 

Dating however, is a different story for me. The reason why I am a firm believer in having the man pay for the meal on dates is simple and Steve Harvey said it best. He is not the prize, YOU ARE! Now, i’m not a huge fan of Steve Harvey giving relationship advice, but he’s got a point here. The Bible teaches us that it wasn’t good for man to be alone so he made woman specifically for man. Genesis 2:18. We were made for man. It is not our job to prove to men why they should choose us to be their partner. I’m an independent woman, I can afford to pay for my own meal and I have no problem in doing so. I’m not looking for a man to be my father (I already have a dad and he’s a great one at that). What I do need however, is for a man to prove to me that I am the one he wants ME to choose by courting me. That’s the problem with dating now. Women don’t give men the chance to court them anymore! Some women have become so consumed in wanting a relationship so quick and fast that they give themselves up too soon only to be hurt in the end. I know because that was me! There was a time where I just wanted a man to love me but I realize now that I want so much more than that. I need so much more than that. Yes, I need love but I also need stability, I need comfort. We get so caught up in wanting a man love us that we neglect to find a man who can LEAD us.

 

 

But let me pull it back some because I’m getting off subject. If we as single women believe that we are a prize then God will send us that leader. The Bible says that he will give us the desires of our heart. I desire for a man to prove to me that he is the one I should choose to do this thing called life with and I trust God enough to know that He will deliver in His timing. So if i’m out on a date and a guy asks me to pay for MY meal then I will do that. I have absolutely no problem in doing so but I can tell you one thing for sure, that will be the last time I go out on a date with him ever again. There’s too many hurt men out here that I simply do not have the time for and if my expectations are too much for them then they aren’t the ones for me. I would much rather spend the next twenty four years of my life waiting for the man God has for me then to go through another shitty relationship and get hurt again. What God has for me will be for me and if we knew just how great His plans are for us then we would gladly spend our time waiting patiently for Him. But we don’t know and the idea of not knowing when something is going to happen bothers us so we rush our lives, take what we can get and then expect God to help us when we fall when we were never meant to have gone through that relationship in the first place.

 

 

Don’t ignore the signs ladies. Know what you want from a man and if he can’t deliver then don’t settle. Please don’t ever settle. You are valuable and you are worthy and you deserve a man that is going to love you the way you want to be loved. It’s not easy being single but this single season that we are in is only because God is preparing us. It may not be for a relationship, it may be for a job or a trip, or a huge life change but remember that it is for a reason.

rihanna

I did something today that I told myself I would never do again. 

I prayed for my future husband. 

And I did it because I’m still not sure if God has someone for me but if He does then I want to make sure that he is someone that was sent to me from God. 

It’s been almost two years since my last serious relationship and those scars have not yet healed entirely. But as I attempt to open myself up back into dating I’m struck with the fact that I have absolutely no one to date. I mean absolutely no one. And here’s two reasons why… 

1. I refuse to date anyone who is not actively seeking God.
2. I refuse to date a boy. I need a man

It’s simple and I don’t believe I’m being picky or having too high standards but those two things are a big essential for me and if I’m not being shown that a man who wants to pursue me has those qualities then I obviously don’t want him. 

Even though I’ve met guys who do meet those standards. HOWEVER, they don’t want me. But that’s okay because the guy that God has saved for me WILL want me and I won’t have to do backflips in front of him for him to notice me. 

If and when I’m willing to take another chance on love then I want it to be a blessed relationship. I know it’ll have some hard times but anything given to you from God will be able to sustain anything. 


“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Joseph Campbell 

Which I guess not having anyone one to date isn’t such a bad thing. I can say that I do find myself having a clearer mind and I do feel like I have built a stronger relationship with God. I’m content with my loneliness, I always have been and I always will be. 

So until it happens..

I don’t know if I’ve met my husband yet or not but my prayer for him is that he has the strength to continue on the path to becoming the man God has called him to be.

Until we figure this thing out…

https://soundcloud.com/black-indie-dude/freak-ocean-ready

I hope you dance 

The past few days have been difficult. I can feel that I haven’t been the same since Thursday and though I’ve cried many tears and slept more hours to ignore the pain, I have to smile again.

But I still can’t help but be sad for now. I’m sad because a woman who knew she was battling cancer and other diseases still managed to smile in the midst of her storm. She knew how sick she was but she never once complained. She didn’t have any kids of her own but she kept pictures of her nieces on her kitchen table. She loved us more than we knew. I know that she wouldn’t have wanted to see us mourn her death I can’t help but to. But even though I’m sobbing as I write this I must remind myself that she doesn’t have to suffer anymore and I know that she’s watching over me. I know she’d want to see me happy and getting on with my life. She’s impacted me in a way that I wasn’t even aware of until now. 

I may be sad for now but God will get me through. I have put my trust in Him and I know that there is a life to be celebrated. 


“Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭30:5‬ ‭NKJV‬‬


I wear a ring that says, “If God brings you to it, he will bring you THROUGH it.” So I am going to continue to praise Him during this rain because I have overcome trials myself that I didn’t think I’d get through but I did. And I am so thankful to know that I have an amazing amount of friends who have took the time out to check on me and spend time with me as I get through this. This sadness is only but for a moment compared to the immense joy that lies ahead. Christ died so that I wouldn’t have to go through these things alone and He continues to bless me in every breath that I take. 


“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.””

‭‭John‬ ‭16:33‬ ‭NLT‬‬ 


One of my absolute favorite songs of all time.


In memory of Lula Mae Harper💕


Social Media and the Single Woman

What a dangerous combination.

As I scroll through my news feed, I am overwhelmed sometimes by the things single women post. It’s been mostly about how much they’re “a good woman” or how they do A,B,C, and D so well.. It’s annoying and sad. Why do women feel the need to advertise themselves in order to attract a man? I’m not talking about just posting selfies but I’ve seen women practically post resumes on social media as to why men should want them. Now I know I may joke about being single often on social media but I’m not about to explain to my friends and family why I should be a wife by now. There’s a fine line between joking and sheer desperation.

I believe there’s a difference between acknowledging your singleness and venting your singleness to social media. One is like, “hey I’m going to enjoy this glass of wine and this chocolate cake to myself because I am single and I deserve it.” And the other is like, “Hey, I am a great woman, I’m great in bed, and I look good but no one wants me.” I get it, you’re lonely. Hell, I am too but this is unnecessary. For one, no worthy man is going to look your way and find this kind of talk on social media attractive.

So how about we just not post long rants about not being able to find a good man, because that’s what girlfriends are for, let’s not talk about how good we are (or think we are) at sex, because I’m sure your aunts do not want to see that (and neither do I), instead let’s just be mature women. Our social media pages are a direct reflection of us. You are what you post. Some things are not meant to be said on Facebook during the day and if you’re a woman who likes to express yourself openly then stick to Twitter.

Whether you’re looking for a relationship or not, you never know who is looking at or may come across your pages. I mean if censoring yourselves for employers isn’t enough then please do it for your dignity. We can’t post about God sending us a good man in the morning and then post about unholy fornication at night. I mean I admit that I’ve deleted things from my pages because I had one too many glasses of wine that night and that’s perfectly fine. But as one wholesome single woman to another, know you’re worth. You should never feel the need to overly advertise yourself on social media for approval of men and you cannot force them to like you. The right man will come around, just be patient. Damn.

giphy

 

Go get her. A special post for my guys.

This one is for the lovers.

To the ones that want to take a chance on love.

To the ones that are too afraid…

or just don’t know how to start a conversation with her.

You see I don’t just write to women, I write to people who feel but this one is for my guys especially. We hear so much about how women can be lonely on Valentine’s day but truth is, men can be just as lonely.

I am a hopeless romantic. I LOVE love that’s why I’ve taken so many chances on it after I’ve been heartbroken. Love is a beautiful thing. It feels weightless as if nothing in the world matters but it is in those intimate moments sitting or laying in complete silence listening to each other breathe that makes it all worth it. This is the love we should strive for. Let us not settle for anything less than what makes us happy.

So you like a girl?

Before you go after her, ask yourself why? Why is this the woman you want?  What about her? And once you figure that out, why you? What would you bring to this woman that she should take the chance on you. Why should she open her heart up to fall in love with you? I ask you to answer these questions because when women love, they love hard. So unless you are ready to be serious with her, don’t waster her time. Women can be so easy to become emotionally invested in someone without them even knowing it. What I mean by this is sometimes our feelings take over faster than we expect and we’re left fallen in love with a man that hasn’t even fully committed himself to us yet. 

Don’t let her go through that heartache if you don’t see yourself being in a relationship with her.

But if you do want the girl then go and get her. Take action and be straight forward with her whether you want to ask her out on a date or just for her number. This is 2017. Stop playing games and say what you mean. After all love is a risk. 

And if it’s loving that you want…

Look her in the eyes and tell her how beautiful she is. Show her that you want her, what she means to you, and how she makes you feel. Take note of her features, her body, her curves, what makes her smile, what makes her cry. Find out what you two have in common and what you don’t. 

So shoot your shot my brothers, take a chance on love this year because you deserve it. You deserve a woman who loves you unconditionally and who’s going to be there for you. Don’t let a past heartbreak deprive you of that. God created us to love and he created Eve as a gift to Adam. Remember that. She was created for you, so she comes first. 

“if you gave me
half a moon of a chance
i would
kiss the incisors
out of your mouth, clean
and hold them in my
own, like chippings
from an old mug
then
pray my tongue into
a bowl of holy water
and ask god to never
leave you thirsty.”

― Warsan Shire

CLICK HERE! Post written with vibes. JMSN – The One

Always with love,

Ang

Patience and acceptance. Life a year and a half later.

I know you guys are tired of me talking about relationships but I honestly have nothing else to talk about. So here you go!

It’s been almost a year and a half since my breakup and I have to say that my life is in a different place than where it was this time last year. I was having lunch with a friend today and we talked a little about it and it really had me thinking, “I was really living life last year..” Mostly it was just me going out with friends downtown and being the twenty-two year old I was and I still enjoy going out every now and then but not for the same reasons. Last year was about me being free and being able to do and go anywhere I want and I did. I got on a plane by myself and flew to Texas which was amazing but I need to slow down this year. 2017 has me really trying get my life on some sort of path to success wherever that may be and since I’m subjected to going to work and just coming home (because I have bills to pay) I’m lonely.

 

But Ang you’re always alone. You said yourself that you love it?

 

And yes I do love my alone time but my craving for companionship isn’t just for someone to be around. I want someone to be there for me emotionally. Mostly because since I don’t really have a life, I make myself emotionally available for my friends and family at all times. If they need to talk, I am there. If I don’t have time then I will make time. But I have my own problems as well. And I don’t talk about them much because I don’t want to burden anyone with what often seems to me like nothing. But it is something. I was so stressed out in December that I ended up in the emergency room and I was forced to finally talk about what was going on. And maybe I just need a therapist, who knows? My point is, when the time is right I want to be with someone who is able to be there for me emotionally. Yes, I know Jesus is always there and I’ve filled my mind, and car, with scriptures but we’re talking about my future here.

 

Which brings me to patience. My years of working in a nursing home have not prepared me for this. Patience is hard. I mean, I can’t force my dream man to just walk in to my life. So until then I’m just stuck with patience because I won’t settle for just anyone because I’m lonely. I don’t understand how anyone could. It’s okay to give people a chance but if you find yourself dating someone that you just know you won’t be truly happy with then why continue? Why starve yourself to think that, “One day, one day I’m going to love this person.” Or even worse, “One day he’s going to love me.” Ugh, I just cringed at the thought. I refuse to be that woman again. Instead, I will be the woman that is patient because I know what I want and I am confident that the Lord will provide me with such a man.

 

And acceptance?

 

I just have to accept the fact that it just may take another year or two, maybe even more, until that man comes along. I wish I could tell my single friends who read my blog that it gets easier, but it doesn’t lol. You just have to distract yourself from dwelling in sadness. It’s okay to be lonely, but don’t drown in it. There have been plenty of times when I got in my car and went somewhere just to be around other people. Which is why I really miss the warm weather. I miss being outside and now that I’m stuck inside I’m also stuck with my thoughts and BET movies. But January is almost over and I just have to make it to March. I can do it. We can do it. We got this.

 

P.s. I won’t stop being there for my friends. I was there before and I am still here now.

 

Single for the Holidays?

I love the holidays. Especially Christmas. For me it’s just always been a happy time seeing all of my family getting together, eating lots of food, and going to church. I also find Christmas to be very romantic and just like last Christmas, this Christmas I will be single again.

Now that’s not a completely terrible thing. I mean I would love to spend this time with a man I am deeply in love with but I won’t and I am okay with that.

REALLY I AM!

wine-crying-desk

But seriously though, I know us single people always get tired of hearing the same old, “Oh take this time to really work on yourself.” Although this is true, what does it really mean? A few weeks ago I watched this sermon from Toure Roberts called 5 Keys to Identifying Your Soulmate. I won’t get in to too much of what he said but one of his keys was something about making sure you are in the right place to receive your soulmate. He said that God wasn’t going to send you your soulmate while you’re in a bad place and mentally I am in a bad place. Lately, I have been feeling that I am in no way ready to receive the man that God is going to bless me with. Right now I am struggling to figure out what path to take, I have hella bills to pay, and I have no idea whether I want to stay here in Richmond or not next year. It may not seem like much but to me it’s been eating me up inside. But I can honestly say that this holidays season I am in a much happier place than I was in last year. I am truly thankful for my friends because they have been directly by my side since my breakup as well as my family.

So if you find yourself lonely and sad this holiday season, do something that makes you happy. Hang out with some friends, visit your family. Surround yourself with people who love you and have fun. (But be safe.) And if you lack friends, or family then go to work. Pick up some extra shifts or get a seasonal job and get that extra shmoney (money) LOL You could take that trip to that place you always wanted to go or buy yourself that thing you always wanted. I don’t know, but just don’t subject yourself to loneliness if you don’t want to be. Know that I always love you and that there’s a God above who is always there when you need Him. Remember, that he’s working on your soulmate too and you’ll want them to be in a good place too when the time comes for you to receive them. You deserve the absolute BEST and God will give that to you. You just have to wait on it.

By the way, I truly appreciate all of the love you guys have been giving me on my posts. It started out as a way for me to get out some of my frustrations with out doing it through long facebook posts but I see that it has turned in to so much more. If you’re a blogger then keep doing what you’re doing because just when you think no one’s reading it, one day someone may stumble upon it and be grateful that you put it out there.

Check out the Sermon I was talking about

I am a Christian and a die hard democrat: And other slight thoughts on Tuesday’s tragedy.

I’m not afraid to say this because I firmly believe in separating my religious beliefs with my political beliefs. And I believe that this is one of the main reasons why this country is so divided now. We live in a country where so many people love and worship whichever way they want. So why is it that conservative America still refuses to accept that? I am intelligent enough to have realized that not everyone worships my God and that’s perfectly fine with me. That doesn’t mean I keep Him hidden. I’m very open about my relationship with Christ and I’m unashamed of it. I also believe in love because that’s what Jesus has taught me. I love my gay friends. I love my Muslim friends. I love my friends who’ve had abortions and when they all look at me they don’t see a person condemning them to hell with a bible in her hand. They just see a friend who loves them.  

But that’s not why I’m a democrat. 

I’m a democrat because my mother is a black woman from the south. Who taught me what it was like growing up in her time. I remember being a little girl and her telling me about the day they killed Martin Luther King Jr. while she was at school and they watched it on tv the whole day in class. I’m a democrat because my father came to this country from Mexico seeking a better life. He was a real immigrant who had to get a green card to come into this country to work. 

But most of all…

I’m a democrat because I know what it’s like to live in hard times. To grow up without much. To have your water shut off for a whole summer and go back to school in clothes that were given to me because my dad couldn’t afford it. I didn’t grow up privileged like many of my white colleagues while I attended Liberty University. When I vote I vote based on real issues that affect MY LIFE. Issues like healthcare, something I couldn’t and still can’t afford. I vote for issues that affect what I can and can’t do to MY BODY if I ever needed to make that decision. I vote for issues that deal with people close to me when it comes to their parents being undocumented because their parents have become my parents and I hate to see that family torn apart. So no, I refuse to vote for a candidate based off of my religious beliefs because as far as I know Jesus was neither a republican nor democrat. And for all of you conservative Christians who did vote for dickhead Trump I hope you are happy with your contribution to dividing this nation and helping to destroy everything we’ve worked so SO hard to build. 

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest. I’m done with this issue. I hope Trump has a good presidency and completely obliterates the Republican Party.✌🏽️