Ladies: Do not let these men fool you in to thinking that you should be paying for your own meal on dates…

Or what I should have said was, not to let these HURT men fool you in to thinking that you should be paying for your own meal on dates. I’ve seen this conversation come up before, there’s videos of people talking about it on facebook. I even started watching some but I could never get through the whole thing and I have finally decided to make a response. Men and women who believe in “going dutch” and yes I’ve paid for my own meal before, even paid for meals for my man but the key factor in this was that he was MY MAN and it’s healthy to treat your man because he deserves it.

 

 

Dating however, is a different story for me. The reason why I am a firm believer in having the man pay for the meal on dates is simple and Steve Harvey said it best. He is not the prize, YOU ARE! Now, i’m not a huge fan of Steve Harvey giving relationship advice, but he’s got a point here. The Bible teaches us that it wasn’t good for man to be alone so he made woman specifically for man. Genesis 2:18. We were made for man. It is not our job to prove to men why they should choose us to be their partner. I’m an independent woman, I can afford to pay for my own meal and I have no problem in doing so. I’m not looking for a man to be my father (I already have a dad and he’s a great one at that). What I do need however, is for a man to prove to me that I am the one he wants ME to choose by courting me. That’s the problem with dating now. Women don’t give men the chance to court them anymore! Some women have become so consumed in wanting a relationship so quick and fast that they give themselves up too soon only to be hurt in the end. I know because that was me! There was a time where I just wanted a man to love me but I realize now that I want so much more than that. I need so much more than that. Yes, I need love but I also need stability, I need comfort. We get so caught up in wanting a man love us that we neglect to find a man who can LEAD us.

 

 

But let me pull it back some because I’m getting off subject. If we as single women believe that we are a prize then God will send us that leader. The Bible says that he will give us the desires of our heart. I desire for a man to prove to me that he is the one I should choose to do this thing called life with and I trust God enough to know that He will deliver in His timing. So if i’m out on a date and a guy asks me to pay for MY meal then I will do that. I have absolutely no problem in doing so but I can tell you one thing for sure, that will be the last time I go out on a date with him ever again. There’s too many hurt men out here that I simply do not have the time for and if my expectations are too much for them then they aren’t the ones for me. I would much rather spend the next twenty four years of my life waiting for the man God has for me then to go through another shitty relationship and get hurt again. What God has for me will be for me and if we knew just how great His plans are for us then we would gladly spend our time waiting patiently for Him. But we don’t know and the idea of not knowing when something is going to happen bothers us so we rush our lives, take what we can get and then expect God to help us when we fall when we were never meant to have gone through that relationship in the first place.

 

 

Don’t ignore the signs ladies. Know what you want from a man and if he can’t deliver then don’t settle. Please don’t ever settle. You are valuable and you are worthy and you deserve a man that is going to love you the way you want to be loved. It’s not easy being single but this single season that we are in is only because God is preparing us. It may not be for a relationship, it may be for a job or a trip, or a huge life change but remember that it is for a reason.

rihanna

Social Media and the Single Woman

What a dangerous combination.

As I scroll through my news feed, I am overwhelmed sometimes by the things single women post. It’s been mostly about how much they’re “a good woman” or how they do A,B,C, and D so well.. It’s annoying and sad. Why do women feel the need to advertise themselves in order to attract a man? I’m not talking about just posting selfies but I’ve seen women practically post resumes on social media as to why men should want them. Now I know I may joke about being single often on social media but I’m not about to explain to my friends and family why I should be a wife by now. There’s a fine line between joking and sheer desperation.

I believe there’s a difference between acknowledging your singleness and venting your singleness to social media. One is like, “hey I’m going to enjoy this glass of wine and this chocolate cake to myself because I am single and I deserve it.” And the other is like, “Hey, I am a great woman, I’m great in bed, and I look good but no one wants me.” I get it, you’re lonely. Hell, I am too but this is unnecessary. For one, no worthy man is going to look your way and find this kind of talk on social media attractive.

So how about we just not post long rants about not being able to find a good man, because that’s what girlfriends are for, let’s not talk about how good we are (or think we are) at sex, because I’m sure your aunts do not want to see that (and neither do I), instead let’s just be mature women. Our social media pages are a direct reflection of us. You are what you post. Some things are not meant to be said on Facebook during the day and if you’re a woman who likes to express yourself openly then stick to Twitter.

Whether you’re looking for a relationship or not, you never know who is looking at or may come across your pages. I mean if censoring yourselves for employers isn’t enough then please do it for your dignity. We can’t post about God sending us a good man in the morning and then post about unholy fornication at night. I mean I admit that I’ve deleted things from my pages because I had one too many glasses of wine that night and that’s perfectly fine. But as one wholesome single woman to another, know you’re worth. You should never feel the need to overly advertise yourself on social media for approval of men and you cannot force them to like you. The right man will come around, just be patient. Damn.

giphy

 

More than skin deep. My awkwardness defined.

How did I grow up to be the tall, awkward, shy but opinionated, optimistic mixed girl? 

Since I started school I was always quiet. I remember my first day of kindergarten I cried because I was so scared of being away from my parents. I was always very shy and as I got older that’s pretty much what every one who actually acknowledged my existence thought of when someone would mentioned me. But even though I was shy I still had to develop thick skin at an early age. I was in third grade when we had to move from the county to the city. It was a culture shock for me. I went from a predominately white elementary school and having mostly white friends to going to a very urban school with mostly blacks and Latinos. I remember my first day there I was walking in line to go to lunch and this dark skinned black girl was sitting in the corner because she was in time out and gave me the most stank look I had ever seen. She took that one look at me and I was so shocked and confused. I didn’t even know her and she basically hates me for no reason. I realized as I got older that it was obvious. There she was this dark skinned big lipped girl with corn rows sitting in time out and here I was this new light skinned girl with long curly hair just going to lunch. She was jealous of me and she honestly wasn’t the first. But I never thought of myself as the pretty one. Elementary school was the only time I looked at myself as “decent.” 

Middle school was the worst for me. Not only was my body changing, my parents separated and I stayed with my dad, my only friend moved away, my dad wasn’t working so he couldn’t afford to buy me school clothes which I really needed because I hit a growth spurt in 7th grade. I was 5’7 in 8th grade wearing Reebok classics (they were huge) but all I could think about was if I was going to eat when I got home and if this would be the week we get our water turned back on. My life was rough in middle school but thank God we survived. Boys were the last thing on my mind. 

The summer before 9th grade started my best friends gay uncle (Uncle Isaac) introduced me to makeup. He had this little powder makeup compact and he said “Ooo let me try this on you and see how it looks!” So I let him and it honestly changed my life. I had acne scars really bad and I didn’t really know how to take care of my skin so when he powdered my face my eyes opened up and I finally thought that I looked decent again. So at 14 years old I began wearing makeup and since we still moved around a lot I was constantly being “the new girl.” High school was better but not really. I was still shy but since I was getting attention from boys (finally) I no longer thought of myself as ugly. But since I was was still shy and no one knew, I was labeled as conceited. Which was HIGHLY wrong!

Going away to college was my breakout moment. Since it was my first time alone I was forced to open up and make friends and simply speak up for myself. Even though I didn’t finish college my time there still helped mold me into the woman I am today. I had to go through bad relationships and learn how to speak my mind. I had to stop being the shy girl and say the things I had always wanted to say. Since I went through the things I went through as a child and had accepted Jesus I realized that I was always going to be alright no matter what He took me through. And I know that I may not be in the most perfect place in my life now but it’s surely better than the place other people imagined me to be in. The odds were always against my sister and I growing up. Having a mother who wasn’t always around made us destined for early pregnancy and welfare. And even though my sister did get pregnant at an early age she also worked her ass off to become a nurse and beat those odds. That gave me hope. Growing up the way I did gave me an optimistic look on life. Yes I may not have my life altogether but at least I ate today lol 

So here I am, 23 years old and still shy at times. Although I’ve built up more confidence over the years I’m still very awkward. I like to observe people and I can’t help it. When I was just shy I wouldn’t talk but I would always listen and I still do. I can also talk to people all day but sometimes I just want to watch other people. My constant observations haven’t always been the best quality of mine however. Mostly because with my observing comes thoughts. I feel like people should know what they’re doing wrong, not that I’m always right about people but if I think someone’s going to make a bad decision I’m going to tell them. I think my honesty makes me a better person. I would want people to be honest with me, but I have learned that everyone can not handle the honest truth. 

In the end I’m satisfied with who I’ve become. I know I’m not finished evolving and I’m welcome to growth. I love being able to call myself a Mexican and a black woman. I am also thankful that we now live in a society where dark is not considered “ugly” because people ask me all the time if my mother is light skinned and I say no. My mother a beautiful dark skinned woman and she is part of the reason why I have grown to be the confident woman I am today from learning from her. She never thought of herself as “less than” because she wasn’t light. My mama is a strong black woman and so am I so be proud of who you are no matter what shade you are! 

I stand with all of those around the world who marched for women’s rights and the rights of so many others! You are so amazing whether you marched along or admired from afar. We can’t stop, we must continue this fight and love one another on the way no matter what color, shade, sex, religion, or political party.

You guys just keep giving me content for my blog.

Let me just start off by saying that this is my blog, not a college essay. Therefore upon posting I try to proofread my posts a couple of times but it still it may end up being a little sloppy. I could care less though as long as i’m getting my point across lol

Now for the real reason why i’m here. I will start by telling you about a small situation that occurred today. So a couple days ago I ran into a friend at the Wawa. We talked for a little and then planned to hang out. So i’m thinking, “oh okay cool maybe we’ll get dinner or a drink at the bar and just talk.” Nah. So today came along and I asked him where he wanted to meet and this guy responded with, “Just come over.”

 

create-own-memes

Now, this is not a guy that i’m particularly interested in. I mean, maybe he would be if I was actually interested in a male companion but i’m not. But that’s not even the reason why i’m so bothered. I’m bothered because after he said that I replied with, “No. I’d rather just get food. I’m hungry.” SO THIS GUY SAYS, “Whoa. That was kinda rude.”

 

kanye-how-meme

 

Now me being the outspoken feminist that I am. I said, “Because I said no? Because i’m entitled to my own decisions? Because i’d rather get food? Lol which one was it?”

 

As I sit here still wondering which part of what I said was rude (Because I obviously haven’t gotten a text back yet with the response) I don’t understand what else he expected? For me to ask him to send me the address? What did he think was going to happen? I hardly know this guy and who knows what could have happened if I did go over there. As women we have got to be smarter. And I am saddened because how many of us have actually fallen for something like this? Some of these men, are so quick to call a woman a whore for sleeping with them and yet if they say no to being in a position like that then they’re, “rude.” I’m not saying that if i had went over there he would have tried to put a move on me but come on guys!?

I have been up since 7am. I went to a working job interview, I went to work at my actual job, and then I went to my nieces basketball game. I was starving but even if I had been home all day I still wouldn’t have felt comfortable going to that man’s house. So if i’m rude for thinking about my safety and my well-being then let me be rude then. I have been called MUCH worse.

 

So ladies, protect yourselves and NEVER be afraid or ashamed to say NO. 

 

lana

#imwithHER