Forgiveness 

I really do not want to message this person but I know I should. It is time for me to begin this process of forgiveness. The thought of it makes my stomach turn. How do you forgive someone that has hurt you so bad the thought of them still makes you angry after two years?

 

 

The other day I was talking to my friend and I was telling her about how I wanted to forgive someone. I WANT to forgive them but I am not sure that I CAN forgive them yet. Honestly, I am still angry, and sad, and filled with all of these other emotions that I claim I don’t still have for them but I know that I do. So I ask myself, “Why do I want to forgive him?” I want to because I want to finally be free of this anger and bitterness. I want to move on and truly close that chapter of my life. It’s been almost two years since my ex fiancé left me for another woman and the thought of it still makes me want to drive my car in to a tree. But forgiveness.

 

 

A few days after getting this crazy idea I get this question about, you guessed it! Forgiveness.

(God is always trying to make me face my problems man…)

pout

 

 

 

I’ll start by saying that I am no expert on forgiveness. I do not think that anything I say will be some secret life changing way of forgiving someone. What I can tell you though, is how I forgave someone so close to me for hurting me.

 

By now some of you have read my testimony about growing up with a mother struggling with an addiction. It was hard and I was angry all throughout middle and high school because my mother abandoned me when I needed her the most. But one night during prayer in my youth group when I was about 16 or 17 I finally forgave her. It wasn’t easy but it was necessary for me and for my walk with God. I knew that God was leading me in a particular direction where I couldn’t do what He called me to do while continuing to live with this hurt in my heart especially towards someone so vital to my life; My mother.

 

“Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you and so you must forgive others.” Colossians 3:13

 

What I get from this verse is that people are not perfect. They are going to hurt you especially if they themselves have been hurt by others. Sometimes they’ll apologize for what they did and sometimes they won’t because they don’t think that what they did was wrong. But it’s not our job to argue or demand an apology every time. It is our job to forgive them and let go of the hurt because it is then when we can truly find peace in Christ. One of the things I’ve realized is that God is working things out in our lives individually and in a way that is set up specifically for us. So just how God wants to work things out in your life, He wants to work things out in the lives of the people that hurt you as well. If God can forgive the person that hurt you and put you through so much pain and heartache and sleepless nights then so can you.

 

 

So to get back to the question, yes it is going to be hard to forgive them but you have to for YOUR sake (and sanity.) And as for “moving on” sometimes friendships are only meant to last a few seasons and if that season is over then yes you should move on especially if you’re starting to feel like it’s getting too toxic for you mentally. Some friendships can be life draining. You try and try to be there for that person and love them and pray for them but they don’t always see the sacrifices you made to keep that friendship strong. You just have to forgive them and move on anyway. But continue to pray for them. I still pray for my old friendships because I know that we all have our own demons that we face daily and you may not realize just how bad their battle is. The spirit of suicide is strong and so many people struggle with thoughts of it. So if you’ve had people close to you confide in you about them dealing with that please PLEASE continue to cover them in prayer. Even people that haven’t made you aware of it. We have all been given the gift of life. Let’s use it.

 

 

I hope that this post has given you some clarity on your question. Not one of us is perfect but we serve a perfect God. He did not put us on this Earth to live in constant hurt or pain. If you are thinking about forgiving someone but don’t feel like you are ready to it’s okay. Tell God that you want to forgive them and He will hear you and give you the strength to. I haven’t yet gotten up the strength to forgive the person that has hurt me but I want to and I need to so that I can be free and truly move on.

 

 

(…Plus, what if the reason why I can’t find a man is because I’m still hanging on to all this hurt? But seriously, it’s been like two years.)

 

 

Alright now I’m done.

blanche

 

Look for my new blog posts on Sundays! Most likely not every Sunday but this is the day where I have the most time because I have no life and all I do is work.

 

 

Thanks for reading and keep sending your questions and comments!

img_6263

 

National Suicide Prevention

1-800-273-8255

 

 

I asked you guys to send me some questions and well, here’s what we got;

But first let me update you guys on some things in my life.

 

After several months of studying and working in the Pharmacy I am now a state of Virginia registered Pharmacy Technician! The reason why I wanted to share this with you all is because if you really knew me then you’d know just how nervous I was about taking the state exam. What was crazy about it is that every one told me that I would pass and I had so many people praying for me. I mean really, the days leading up to my exam were some of the most nerve wrecking days ever but what amazed me was how many people prayed for me, I mean people that I hardly even knew! I am forever grateful for all of the prayers that contributed to me getting an 89 on my exam! YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!! Also, I made the decision to join a new church so I am pretty excited about that too!

 

Now to these questions,

 

Earlier this week I learned about a new app called Sarahah. If you don’t know it’s kind of like Formspring and ask.fm where people can send you anonymous messages so I made one for you guys to send me questions to answer on my Blog! And well a few of you did lol

 

So here they are;

Hmm, well one of the best things that I could tell you would be time. I know it’s doesn’t seem like it’s the easiest thing to do but giving yourself time to heal is honestly the most satisfying. What I did after my breakups, was just spend time with myself, learn about what YOU like and YOU don’t like. I remember this one time in college I was headed to the gym at the start of my sophomore year and I had ALWAYS wanted to go rock climbing and I remembered asking my ex the year before if we could go and of course he said no. So that evening I was just like, “I am going to climb that wall!” So I went in and they strapped me up to climb up the wall and as I got to the top I got so nervous but the instructor just kept reminding me to, “Just let go, you’re going to be fine!” And in that moment I did and I let go of EVERYTHING and even though it may not seem like much it was one of the most liberating experiences of my life.

There’s alway that one friend that constantly trolls your messages. Thanks Tye!

Yes! This is my blog that I made last year in March. I decided to start writing a blog because writing was one of the things that helped me get through some pretty rough moments throughout high school and since 2015 was a rollercoaster of a year for me I settled for a blog! And I love reading my friends blogs so please go right ahead!

Thank you so much! I’ve learned to respect people’s opinion’s about my blog and so far it seems like a lot of people really like it so that makes me happy. Plus if there was any criticism I would be more that open to hearing that as well. A good number of my guy friends have told me that they’ve read my posts and I always like to ask them what they think and so far so good.

 

As for my “Romantic Endeavors” no. There’s not much romance going on in my life right now. It’s funny because I said that 2017 would be my year to find a man but that’s not really working out right now so I think I’m just going to shoot for next year. I mean I would be open to dating a guy of course but like I said in a previous post, I dont get asked out much.

 

Also, the guys I do tend to like don’t text back so there’s that.

 

 

shade gif

 

This was fun! If you guys want to send me some more questions to add to a future post then please feel free to comment them or send them to me here. I mean I could talk about relationships for days but if there is anything else you would like to hear me talk about then let me know!

 

 

 

Last Cigarette 

Have you ever been that person that your friends come to for advice sometimes? And then after you think wow my friends are so lucky to have me because that would totally be what I would have done if I was in that situation. But then only to find yourself in that EXACT position and NOT do what you said you’d do? What I’m trying to say is, things are easier said than done. 

Sometimes we find ourselves in positions that we promised we would not put ourselves in again and yet, here we are. But I will admit to my mistakes, I know that I am not perfect and I fail God every day but I am trying. Sometimes it takes one last mistake to truly get your mind focused on what’s right. But it’s hard. They’ll be setbacks, withdrawals, pressure and many times we give in to it. 

“Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak.””

‭‭Mark‬ ‭14:38 NLT

Now I don’t smoke but my mom did. Marlboro lights 100s. Towards the end of last year my aunt came out and told us that she had COPD as well a few other health issues. My mom took it really hard so she quit smoking. Just like that, cold turkey. And I knew how difficult it was for her especially when my aunt passed away a few months ago. But my mom didn’t give up. She’s still cigarette free for about 7 months now and I’m proud of her. 

Temptation is hard. We all give in to it sometimes but try not to be so hard on yourselves when you do. Instead pray about it and ask God to remove what ever desire it is that is tempting you whether it be a cigarette, a drink, or a person. Things will eventually get easier to resist but it depends on your willingness to trust in Him. 

Ladies: Do not let these men fool you in to thinking that you should be paying for your own meal on dates…

Or what I should have said was, not to let these HURT men fool you in to thinking that you should be paying for your own meal on dates. I’ve seen this conversation come up before, there’s videos of people talking about it on facebook. I even started watching some but I could never get through the whole thing and I have finally decided to make a response. Men and women who believe in “going dutch” and yes I’ve paid for my own meal before, even paid for meals for my man but the key factor in this was that he was MY MAN and it’s healthy to treat your man because he deserves it.

 

 

Dating however, is a different story for me. The reason why I am a firm believer in having the man pay for the meal on dates is simple and Steve Harvey said it best. He is not the prize, YOU ARE! Now, i’m not a huge fan of Steve Harvey giving relationship advice, but he’s got a point here. The Bible teaches us that it wasn’t good for man to be alone so he made woman specifically for man. Genesis 2:18. We were made for man. It is not our job to prove to men why they should choose us to be their partner. I’m an independent woman, I can afford to pay for my own meal and I have no problem in doing so. I’m not looking for a man to be my father (I already have a dad and he’s a great one at that). What I do need however, is for a man to prove to me that I am the one he wants ME to choose by courting me. That’s the problem with dating now. Women don’t give men the chance to court them anymore! Some women have become so consumed in wanting a relationship so quick and fast that they give themselves up too soon only to be hurt in the end. I know because that was me! There was a time where I just wanted a man to love me but I realize now that I want so much more than that. I need so much more than that. Yes, I need love but I also need stability, I need comfort. We get so caught up in wanting a man love us that we neglect to find a man who can LEAD us.

 

 

But let me pull it back some because I’m getting off subject. If we as single women believe that we are a prize then God will send us that leader. The Bible says that he will give us the desires of our heart. I desire for a man to prove to me that he is the one I should choose to do this thing called life with and I trust God enough to know that He will deliver in His timing. So if i’m out on a date and a guy asks me to pay for MY meal then I will do that. I have absolutely no problem in doing so but I can tell you one thing for sure, that will be the last time I go out on a date with him ever again. There’s too many hurt men out here that I simply do not have the time for and if my expectations are too much for them then they aren’t the ones for me. I would much rather spend the next twenty four years of my life waiting for the man God has for me then to go through another shitty relationship and get hurt again. What God has for me will be for me and if we knew just how great His plans are for us then we would gladly spend our time waiting patiently for Him. But we don’t know and the idea of not knowing when something is going to happen bothers us so we rush our lives, take what we can get and then expect God to help us when we fall when we were never meant to have gone through that relationship in the first place.

 

 

Don’t ignore the signs ladies. Know what you want from a man and if he can’t deliver then don’t settle. Please don’t ever settle. You are valuable and you are worthy and you deserve a man that is going to love you the way you want to be loved. It’s not easy being single but this single season that we are in is only because God is preparing us. It may not be for a relationship, it may be for a job or a trip, or a huge life change but remember that it is for a reason.

rihanna

I couldn’t think of a clever title for this but you should read it anyway.

For the most part all I do is work and go home. I hangout with friends and family at times but with me “preparing” to take my pharmacy tech exam in June I really need to be using any extra time I have to be studying.

And yet, here I am making another post on my singleness

 
But it’s okay, this time I’m not complaining.

 
No I take that back. I may hurt some feelings with this one and the thought of it brings me much joy so here’s the deal

 
Now I get labeled as “acting lightskin” often and I even joke about it myself. I think it’s hilarious but there’s reasons as to why I don’t text guys back or just leave them on read. Heck, most of the time I don’t even bother to open a message if I see it’s by a guy I don’t want to talk to. But that’s just me being the introvert I am most of the time. I don’t like giving too much of myself away. If a person is talking to me, male or female, and I don’t feel like talking to them then I won’t.

 
But on to this “hangout” business…

 
It is currently May and I haven’t been on a date all year. It’s not a bad thing and honestly I wonder if I can go the whole year without being asked out?

barney

But the reason why I haven’t been on a date is because I haven’t been asked out on a date and asking me to “hangout” is not a date. Maybe I’m being too particular about what I want, maybe I’m acting light skin, maybe I’m just being a bougie princess. Either way I’m tired of the same young boys asking me to hang out with them. If you like me then ask me out on a date. I’m most likely going to say no but I’ll give you extra points for mustering up the balls to be a man and ask me.
For example, a guy asked me if I wanted to go smoke hookah with him the other evening. Do I look like a college freshman? I will be twenty four years old next month. TWENTY FO!! No I don’t want to go smoke hookah with you. I don’t want to go out to a sweaty club with you and I most certainly don’t want to “chill” at your house with you!

 

So until a man worthy of my time comes along and actually says to me, “Would you like to go out on a date with me?” Or something of that nature, I will continue to work, go home, and leave these young boys in the friend zone they are so eager to hop out of.

denise

I did something today that I told myself I would never do again. 

I prayed for my future husband. 

And I did it because I’m still not sure if God has someone for me but if He does then I want to make sure that he is someone that was sent to me from God. 

It’s been almost two years since my last serious relationship and those scars have not yet healed entirely. But as I attempt to open myself up back into dating I’m struck with the fact that I have absolutely no one to date. I mean absolutely no one. And here’s two reasons why… 

1. I refuse to date anyone who is not actively seeking God.
2. I refuse to date a boy. I need a man

It’s simple and I don’t believe I’m being picky or having too high standards but those two things are a big essential for me and if I’m not being shown that a man who wants to pursue me has those qualities then I obviously don’t want him. 

Even though I’ve met guys who do meet those standards. HOWEVER, they don’t want me. But that’s okay because the guy that God has saved for me WILL want me and I won’t have to do backflips in front of him for him to notice me. 

If and when I’m willing to take another chance on love then I want it to be a blessed relationship. I know it’ll have some hard times but anything given to you from God will be able to sustain anything. 


“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Joseph Campbell 

Which I guess not having anyone one to date isn’t such a bad thing. I can say that I do find myself having a clearer mind and I do feel like I have built a stronger relationship with God. I’m content with my loneliness, I always have been and I always will be. 

So until it happens..

I don’t know if I’ve met my husband yet or not but my prayer for him is that he has the strength to continue on the path to becoming the man God has called him to be.

Until we figure this thing out…

https://soundcloud.com/black-indie-dude/freak-ocean-ready

I hope you dance 

The past few days have been difficult. I can feel that I haven’t been the same since Thursday and though I’ve cried many tears and slept more hours to ignore the pain, I have to smile again.

But I still can’t help but be sad for now. I’m sad because a woman who knew she was battling cancer and other diseases still managed to smile in the midst of her storm. She knew how sick she was but she never once complained. She didn’t have any kids of her own but she kept pictures of her nieces on her kitchen table. She loved us more than we knew. I know that she wouldn’t have wanted to see us mourn her death I can’t help but to. But even though I’m sobbing as I write this I must remind myself that she doesn’t have to suffer anymore and I know that she’s watching over me. I know she’d want to see me happy and getting on with my life. She’s impacted me in a way that I wasn’t even aware of until now. 

I may be sad for now but God will get me through. I have put my trust in Him and I know that there is a life to be celebrated. 


“Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭30:5‬ ‭NKJV‬‬


I wear a ring that says, “If God brings you to it, he will bring you THROUGH it.” So I am going to continue to praise Him during this rain because I have overcome trials myself that I didn’t think I’d get through but I did. And I am so thankful to know that I have an amazing amount of friends who have took the time out to check on me and spend time with me as I get through this. This sadness is only but for a moment compared to the immense joy that lies ahead. Christ died so that I wouldn’t have to go through these things alone and He continues to bless me in every breath that I take. 


“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.””

‭‭John‬ ‭16:33‬ ‭NLT‬‬ 


One of my absolute favorite songs of all time.


In memory of Lula Mae Harper💕


Social Media and the Single Woman

What a dangerous combination.

As I scroll through my news feed, I am overwhelmed sometimes by the things single women post. It’s been mostly about how much they’re “a good woman” or how they do A,B,C, and D so well.. It’s annoying and sad. Why do women feel the need to advertise themselves in order to attract a man? I’m not talking about just posting selfies but I’ve seen women practically post resumes on social media as to why men should want them. Now I know I may joke about being single often on social media but I’m not about to explain to my friends and family why I should be a wife by now. There’s a fine line between joking and sheer desperation.

I believe there’s a difference between acknowledging your singleness and venting your singleness to social media. One is like, “hey I’m going to enjoy this glass of wine and this chocolate cake to myself because I am single and I deserve it.” And the other is like, “Hey, I am a great woman, I’m great in bed, and I look good but no one wants me.” I get it, you’re lonely. Hell, I am too but this is unnecessary. For one, no worthy man is going to look your way and find this kind of talk on social media attractive.

So how about we just not post long rants about not being able to find a good man, because that’s what girlfriends are for, let’s not talk about how good we are (or think we are) at sex, because I’m sure your aunts do not want to see that (and neither do I), instead let’s just be mature women. Our social media pages are a direct reflection of us. You are what you post. Some things are not meant to be said on Facebook during the day and if you’re a woman who likes to express yourself openly then stick to Twitter.

Whether you’re looking for a relationship or not, you never know who is looking at or may come across your pages. I mean if censoring yourselves for employers isn’t enough then please do it for your dignity. We can’t post about God sending us a good man in the morning and then post about unholy fornication at night. I mean I admit that I’ve deleted things from my pages because I had one too many glasses of wine that night and that’s perfectly fine. But as one wholesome single woman to another, know you’re worth. You should never feel the need to overly advertise yourself on social media for approval of men and you cannot force them to like you. The right man will come around, just be patient. Damn.

giphy

 

Go get her. A special post for my guys.

This one is for the lovers.

To the ones that want to take a chance on love.

To the ones that are too afraid…

or just don’t know how to start a conversation with her.

You see I don’t just write to women, I write to people who feel but this one is for my guys especially. We hear so much about how women can be lonely on Valentine’s day but truth is, men can be just as lonely.

I am a hopeless romantic. I LOVE love that’s why I’ve taken so many chances on it after I’ve been heartbroken. Love is a beautiful thing. It feels weightless as if nothing in the world matters but it is in those intimate moments sitting or laying in complete silence listening to each other breathe that makes it all worth it. This is the love we should strive for. Let us not settle for anything less than what makes us happy.

So you like a girl?

Before you go after her, ask yourself why? Why is this the woman you want?  What about her? And once you figure that out, why you? What would you bring to this woman that she should take the chance on you. Why should she open her heart up to fall in love with you? I ask you to answer these questions because when women love, they love hard. So unless you are ready to be serious with her, don’t waster her time. Women can be so easy to become emotionally invested in someone without them even knowing it. What I mean by this is sometimes our feelings take over faster than we expect and we’re left fallen in love with a man that hasn’t even fully committed himself to us yet. 

Don’t let her go through that heartache if you don’t see yourself being in a relationship with her.

But if you do want the girl then go and get her. Take action and be straight forward with her whether you want to ask her out on a date or just for her number. This is 2017. Stop playing games and say what you mean. After all love is a risk. 

And if it’s loving that you want…

Look her in the eyes and tell her how beautiful she is. Show her that you want her, what she means to you, and how she makes you feel. Take note of her features, her body, her curves, what makes her smile, what makes her cry. Find out what you two have in common and what you don’t. 

So shoot your shot my brothers, take a chance on love this year because you deserve it. You deserve a woman who loves you unconditionally and who’s going to be there for you. Don’t let a past heartbreak deprive you of that. God created us to love and he created Eve as a gift to Adam. Remember that. She was created for you, so she comes first. 

“if you gave me
half a moon of a chance
i would
kiss the incisors
out of your mouth, clean
and hold them in my
own, like chippings
from an old mug
then
pray my tongue into
a bowl of holy water
and ask god to never
leave you thirsty.”

― Warsan Shire

CLICK HERE! Post written with vibes. JMSN – The One

Always with love,

Ang

More than skin deep. My awkwardness defined.

How did I grow up to be the tall, awkward, shy but opinionated, optimistic mixed girl? 

Since I started school I was always quiet. I remember my first day of kindergarten I cried because I was so scared of being away from my parents. I was always very shy and as I got older that’s pretty much what every one who actually acknowledged my existence thought of when someone would mentioned me. But even though I was shy I still had to develop thick skin at an early age. I was in third grade when we had to move from the county to the city. It was a culture shock for me. I went from a predominately white elementary school and having mostly white friends to going to a very urban school with mostly blacks and Latinos. I remember my first day there I was walking in line to go to lunch and this dark skinned black girl was sitting in the corner because she was in time out and gave me the most stank look I had ever seen. She took that one look at me and I was so shocked and confused. I didn’t even know her and she basically hates me for no reason. I realized as I got older that it was obvious. There she was this dark skinned big lipped girl with corn rows sitting in time out and here I was this new light skinned girl with long curly hair just going to lunch. She was jealous of me and she honestly wasn’t the first. But I never thought of myself as the pretty one. Elementary school was the only time I looked at myself as “decent.” 

Middle school was the worst for me. Not only was my body changing, my parents separated and I stayed with my dad, my only friend moved away, my dad wasn’t working so he couldn’t afford to buy me school clothes which I really needed because I hit a growth spurt in 7th grade. I was 5’7 in 8th grade wearing Reebok classics (they were huge) but all I could think about was if I was going to eat when I got home and if this would be the week we get our water turned back on. My life was rough in middle school but thank God we survived. Boys were the last thing on my mind. 

The summer before 9th grade started my best friends gay uncle (Uncle Isaac) introduced me to makeup. He had this little powder makeup compact and he said “Ooo let me try this on you and see how it looks!” So I let him and it honestly changed my life. I had acne scars really bad and I didn’t really know how to take care of my skin so when he powdered my face my eyes opened up and I finally thought that I looked decent again. So at 14 years old I began wearing makeup and since we still moved around a lot I was constantly being “the new girl.” High school was better but not really. I was still shy but since I was getting attention from boys (finally) I no longer thought of myself as ugly. But since I was was still shy and no one knew, I was labeled as conceited. Which was HIGHLY wrong!

Going away to college was my breakout moment. Since it was my first time alone I was forced to open up and make friends and simply speak up for myself. Even though I didn’t finish college my time there still helped mold me into the woman I am today. I had to go through bad relationships and learn how to speak my mind. I had to stop being the shy girl and say the things I had always wanted to say. Since I went through the things I went through as a child and had accepted Jesus I realized that I was always going to be alright no matter what He took me through. And I know that I may not be in the most perfect place in my life now but it’s surely better than the place other people imagined me to be in. The odds were always against my sister and I growing up. Having a mother who wasn’t always around made us destined for early pregnancy and welfare. And even though my sister did get pregnant at an early age she also worked her ass off to become a nurse and beat those odds. That gave me hope. Growing up the way I did gave me an optimistic look on life. Yes I may not have my life altogether but at least I ate today lol 

So here I am, 23 years old and still shy at times. Although I’ve built up more confidence over the years I’m still very awkward. I like to observe people and I can’t help it. When I was just shy I wouldn’t talk but I would always listen and I still do. I can also talk to people all day but sometimes I just want to watch other people. My constant observations haven’t always been the best quality of mine however. Mostly because with my observing comes thoughts. I feel like people should know what they’re doing wrong, not that I’m always right about people but if I think someone’s going to make a bad decision I’m going to tell them. I think my honesty makes me a better person. I would want people to be honest with me, but I have learned that everyone can not handle the honest truth. 

In the end I’m satisfied with who I’ve become. I know I’m not finished evolving and I’m welcome to growth. I love being able to call myself a Mexican and a black woman. I am also thankful that we now live in a society where dark is not considered “ugly” because people ask me all the time if my mother is light skinned and I say no. My mother a beautiful dark skinned woman and she is part of the reason why I have grown to be the confident woman I am today from learning from her. She never thought of herself as “less than” because she wasn’t light. My mama is a strong black woman and so am I so be proud of who you are no matter what shade you are! 

I stand with all of those around the world who marched for women’s rights and the rights of so many others! You are so amazing whether you marched along or admired from afar. We can’t stop, we must continue this fight and love one another on the way no matter what color, shade, sex, religion, or political party.