Last Cigarette 

Have you ever been that person that your friends come to for advice sometimes? And then after you think wow my friends are so lucky to have me because that would totally be what I would have done if I was in that situation. But then only to find yourself in that EXACT position and NOT do what you said you’d do? What I’m trying to say is, things are easier said than done. 

Sometimes we find ourselves in positions that we promised we would not put ourselves in again and yet, here we are. But I will admit to my mistakes, I know that I am not perfect and I fail God every day but I am trying. Sometimes it takes one last mistake to truly get your mind focused on what’s right. But it’s hard. They’ll be setbacks, withdrawals, pressure and many times we give in to it. 

“Keep watch and pray, so that you will not give in to temptation. For the spirit is willing, but the body is weak.””

‭‭Mark‬ ‭14:38 NLT

Now I don’t smoke but my mom did. Marlboro lights 100s. Towards the end of last year my aunt came out and told us that she had COPD as well a few other health issues. My mom took it really hard so she quit smoking. Just like that, cold turkey. And I knew how difficult it was for her especially when my aunt passed away a few months ago. But my mom didn’t give up. She’s still cigarette free for about 7 months now and I’m proud of her. 

Temptation is hard. We all give in to it sometimes but try not to be so hard on yourselves when you do. Instead pray about it and ask God to remove what ever desire it is that is tempting you whether it be a cigarette, a drink, or a person. Things will eventually get easier to resist but it depends on your willingness to trust in Him. 

Ladies: Do not let these men fool you in to thinking that you should be paying for your own meal on dates…

Or what I should have said was, not to let these HURT men fool you in to thinking that you should be paying for your own meal on dates. I’ve seen this conversation come up before, there’s videos of people talking about it on facebook. I even started watching some but I could never get through the whole thing and I have finally decided to make a response. Men and women who believe in “going dutch” and yes I’ve paid for my own meal before, even paid for meals for my man but the key factor in this was that he was MY MAN and it’s healthy to treat your man because he deserves it.

 

 

Dating however, is a different story for me. The reason why I am a firm believer in having the man pay for the meal on dates is simple and Steve Harvey said it best. He is not the prize, YOU ARE! Now, i’m not a huge fan of Steve Harvey giving relationship advice, but he’s got a point here. The Bible teaches us that it wasn’t good for man to be alone so he made woman specifically for man. Genesis 2:18. We were made for man. It is not our job to prove to men why they should choose us to be their partner. I’m an independent woman, I can afford to pay for my own meal and I have no problem in doing so. I’m not looking for a man to be my father (I already have a dad and he’s a great one at that). What I do need however, is for a man to prove to me that I am the one he wants ME to choose by courting me. That’s the problem with dating now. Women don’t give men the chance to court them anymore! Some women have become so consumed in wanting a relationship so quick and fast that they give themselves up too soon only to be hurt in the end. I know because that was me! There was a time where I just wanted a man to love me but I realize now that I want so much more than that. I need so much more than that. Yes, I need love but I also need stability, I need comfort. We get so caught up in wanting a man love us that we neglect to find a man who can LEAD us.

 

 

But let me pull it back some because I’m getting off subject. If we as single women believe that we are a prize then God will send us that leader. The Bible says that he will give us the desires of our heart. I desire for a man to prove to me that he is the one I should choose to do this thing called life with and I trust God enough to know that He will deliver in His timing. So if i’m out on a date and a guy asks me to pay for MY meal then I will do that. I have absolutely no problem in doing so but I can tell you one thing for sure, that will be the last time I go out on a date with him ever again. There’s too many hurt men out here that I simply do not have the time for and if my expectations are too much for them then they aren’t the ones for me. I would much rather spend the next twenty four years of my life waiting for the man God has for me then to go through another shitty relationship and get hurt again. What God has for me will be for me and if we knew just how great His plans are for us then we would gladly spend our time waiting patiently for Him. But we don’t know and the idea of not knowing when something is going to happen bothers us so we rush our lives, take what we can get and then expect God to help us when we fall when we were never meant to have gone through that relationship in the first place.

 

 

Don’t ignore the signs ladies. Know what you want from a man and if he can’t deliver then don’t settle. Please don’t ever settle. You are valuable and you are worthy and you deserve a man that is going to love you the way you want to be loved. It’s not easy being single but this single season that we are in is only because God is preparing us. It may not be for a relationship, it may be for a job or a trip, or a huge life change but remember that it is for a reason.

rihanna

I couldn’t think of a clever title for this but you should read it anyway.

For the most part all I do is work and go home. I hangout with friends and family at times but with me “preparing” to take my pharmacy tech exam in June I really need to be using any extra time I have to be studying.

And yet, here I am making another post on my singleness

 
But it’s okay, this time I’m not complaining.

 
No I take that back. I may hurt some feelings with this one and the thought of it brings me much joy so here’s the deal

 
Now I get labeled as “acting lightskin” often and I even joke about it myself. I think it’s hilarious but there’s reasons as to why I don’t text guys back or just leave them on read. Heck, most of the time I don’t even bother to open a message if I see it’s by a guy I don’t want to talk to. But that’s just me being the introvert I am most of the time. I don’t like giving too much of myself away. If a person is talking to me, male or female, and I don’t feel like talking to them then I won’t.

 
But on to this “hangout” business…

 
It is currently May and I haven’t been on a date all year. It’s not a bad thing and honestly I wonder if I can go the whole year without being asked out?

barney

But the reason why I haven’t been on a date is because I haven’t been asked out on a date and asking me to “hangout” is not a date. Maybe I’m being too particular about what I want, maybe I’m acting light skin, maybe I’m just being a bougie princess. Either way I’m tired of the same young boys asking me to hang out with them. If you like me then ask me out on a date. I’m most likely going to say no but I’ll give you extra points for mustering up the balls to be a man and ask me.
For example, a guy asked me if I wanted to go smoke hookah with him the other evening. Do I look like a college freshman? I will be twenty four years old next month. TWENTY FO!! No I don’t want to go smoke hookah with you. I don’t want to go out to a sweaty club with you and I most certainly don’t want to “chill” at your house with you!

 

So until a man worthy of my time comes along and actually says to me, “Would you like to go out on a date with me?” Or something of that nature, I will continue to work, go home, and leave these young boys in the friend zone they are so eager to hop out of.

denise

I did something today that I told myself I would never do again. 

I prayed for my future husband. 

And I did it because I’m still not sure if God has someone for me but if He does then I want to make sure that he is someone that was sent to me from God. 

It’s been almost two years since my last serious relationship and those scars have not yet healed entirely. But as I attempt to open myself up back into dating I’m struck with the fact that I have absolutely no one to date. I mean absolutely no one. And here’s two reasons why… 

1. I refuse to date anyone who is not actively seeking God.
2. I refuse to date a boy. I need a man

It’s simple and I don’t believe I’m being picky or having too high standards but those two things are a big essential for me and if I’m not being shown that a man who wants to pursue me has those qualities then I obviously don’t want him. 

Even though I’ve met guys who do meet those standards. HOWEVER, they don’t want me. But that’s okay because the guy that God has saved for me WILL want me and I won’t have to do backflips in front of him for him to notice me. 

If and when I’m willing to take another chance on love then I want it to be a blessed relationship. I know it’ll have some hard times but anything given to you from God will be able to sustain anything. 


“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Joseph Campbell 

Which I guess not having anyone one to date isn’t such a bad thing. I can say that I do find myself having a clearer mind and I do feel like I have built a stronger relationship with God. I’m content with my loneliness, I always have been and I always will be. 

So until it happens..

I don’t know if I’ve met my husband yet or not but my prayer for him is that he has the strength to continue on the path to becoming the man God has called him to be.

Until we figure this thing out…

https://soundcloud.com/black-indie-dude/freak-ocean-ready

I hope you dance 

The past few days have been difficult. I can feel that I haven’t been the same since Thursday and though I’ve cried many tears and slept more hours to ignore the pain, I have to smile again.

But I still can’t help but be sad for now. I’m sad because a woman who knew she was battling cancer and other diseases still managed to smile in the midst of her storm. She knew how sick she was but she never once complained. She didn’t have any kids of her own but she kept pictures of her nieces on her kitchen table. She loved us more than we knew. I know that she wouldn’t have wanted to see us mourn her death I can’t help but to. But even though I’m sobbing as I write this I must remind myself that she doesn’t have to suffer anymore and I know that she’s watching over me. I know she’d want to see me happy and getting on with my life. She’s impacted me in a way that I wasn’t even aware of until now. 

I may be sad for now but God will get me through. I have put my trust in Him and I know that there is a life to be celebrated. 


“Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭30:5‬ ‭NKJV‬‬


I wear a ring that says, “If God brings you to it, he will bring you THROUGH it.” So I am going to continue to praise Him during this rain because I have overcome trials myself that I didn’t think I’d get through but I did. And I am so thankful to know that I have an amazing amount of friends who have took the time out to check on me and spend time with me as I get through this. This sadness is only but for a moment compared to the immense joy that lies ahead. Christ died so that I wouldn’t have to go through these things alone and He continues to bless me in every breath that I take. 


“I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.””

‭‭John‬ ‭16:33‬ ‭NLT‬‬ 


One of my absolute favorite songs of all time.


In memory of Lula Mae Harper💕


Social Media and the Single Woman

What a dangerous combination.

As I scroll through my news feed, I am overwhelmed sometimes by the things single women post. It’s been mostly about how much they’re “a good woman” or how they do A,B,C, and D so well.. It’s annoying and sad. Why do women feel the need to advertise themselves in order to attract a man? I’m not talking about just posting selfies but I’ve seen women practically post resumes on social media as to why men should want them. Now I know I may joke about being single often on social media but I’m not about to explain to my friends and family why I should be a wife by now. There’s a fine line between joking and sheer desperation.

I believe there’s a difference between acknowledging your singleness and venting your singleness to social media. One is like, “hey I’m going to enjoy this glass of wine and this chocolate cake to myself because I am single and I deserve it.” And the other is like, “Hey, I am a great woman, I’m great in bed, and I look good but no one wants me.” I get it, you’re lonely. Hell, I am too but this is unnecessary. For one, no worthy man is going to look your way and find this kind of talk on social media attractive.

So how about we just not post long rants about not being able to find a good man, because that’s what girlfriends are for, let’s not talk about how good we are (or think we are) at sex, because I’m sure your aunts do not want to see that (and neither do I), instead let’s just be mature women. Our social media pages are a direct reflection of us. You are what you post. Some things are not meant to be said on Facebook during the day and if you’re a woman who likes to express yourself openly then stick to Twitter.

Whether you’re looking for a relationship or not, you never know who is looking at or may come across your pages. I mean if censoring yourselves for employers isn’t enough then please do it for your dignity. We can’t post about God sending us a good man in the morning and then post about unholy fornication at night. I mean I admit that I’ve deleted things from my pages because I had one too many glasses of wine that night and that’s perfectly fine. But as one wholesome single woman to another, know you’re worth. You should never feel the need to overly advertise yourself on social media for approval of men and you cannot force them to like you. The right man will come around, just be patient. Damn.

giphy

 

Go get her. A special post for my guys.

This one is for the lovers.

To the ones that want to take a chance on love.

To the ones that are too afraid…

or just don’t know how to start a conversation with her.

You see I don’t just write to women, I write to people who feel but this one is for my guys especially. We hear so much about how women can be lonely on Valentine’s day but truth is, men can be just as lonely.

I am a hopeless romantic. I LOVE love that’s why I’ve taken so many chances on it after I’ve been heartbroken. Love is a beautiful thing. It feels weightless as if nothing in the world matters but it is in those intimate moments sitting or laying in complete silence listening to each other breathe that makes it all worth it. This is the love we should strive for. Let us not settle for anything less than what makes us happy.

So you like a girl?

Before you go after her, ask yourself why? Why is this the woman you want?  What about her? And once you figure that out, why you? What would you bring to this woman that she should take the chance on you. Why should she open her heart up to fall in love with you? I ask you to answer these questions because when women love, they love hard. So unless you are ready to be serious with her, don’t waster her time. Women can be so easy to become emotionally invested in someone without them even knowing it. What I mean by this is sometimes our feelings take over faster than we expect and we’re left fallen in love with a man that hasn’t even fully committed himself to us yet. 

Don’t let her go through that heartache if you don’t see yourself being in a relationship with her.

But if you do want the girl then go and get her. Take action and be straight forward with her whether you want to ask her out on a date or just for her number. This is 2017. Stop playing games and say what you mean. After all love is a risk. 

And if it’s loving that you want…

Look her in the eyes and tell her how beautiful she is. Show her that you want her, what she means to you, and how she makes you feel. Take note of her features, her body, her curves, what makes her smile, what makes her cry. Find out what you two have in common and what you don’t. 

So shoot your shot my brothers, take a chance on love this year because you deserve it. You deserve a woman who loves you unconditionally and who’s going to be there for you. Don’t let a past heartbreak deprive you of that. God created us to love and he created Eve as a gift to Adam. Remember that. She was created for you, so she comes first. 

“if you gave me
half a moon of a chance
i would
kiss the incisors
out of your mouth, clean
and hold them in my
own, like chippings
from an old mug
then
pray my tongue into
a bowl of holy water
and ask god to never
leave you thirsty.”

― Warsan Shire

CLICK HERE! Post written with vibes. JMSN – The One

Always with love,

Ang

Patience and acceptance. Life a year and a half later.

I know you guys are tired of me talking about relationships but I honestly have nothing else to talk about. So here you go!

It’s been almost a year and a half since my breakup and I have to say that my life is in a different place than where it was this time last year. I was having lunch with a friend today and we talked a little about it and it really had me thinking, “I was really living life last year..” Mostly it was just me going out with friends downtown and being the twenty-two year old I was and I still enjoy going out every now and then but not for the same reasons. Last year was about me being free and being able to do and go anywhere I want and I did. I got on a plane by myself and flew to Texas which was amazing but I need to slow down this year. 2017 has me really trying get my life on some sort of path to success wherever that may be and since I’m subjected to going to work and just coming home (because I have bills to pay) I’m lonely.

 

But Ang you’re always alone. You said yourself that you love it?

 

And yes I do love my alone time but my craving for companionship isn’t just for someone to be around. I want someone to be there for me emotionally. Mostly because since I don’t really have a life, I make myself emotionally available for my friends and family at all times. If they need to talk, I am there. If I don’t have time then I will make time. But I have my own problems as well. And I don’t talk about them much because I don’t want to burden anyone with what often seems to me like nothing. But it is something. I was so stressed out in December that I ended up in the emergency room and I was forced to finally talk about what was going on. And maybe I just need a therapist, who knows? My point is, when the time is right I want to be with someone who is able to be there for me emotionally. Yes, I know Jesus is always there and I’ve filled my mind, and car, with scriptures but we’re talking about my future here.

 

Which brings me to patience. My years of working in a nursing home have not prepared me for this. Patience is hard. I mean, I can’t force my dream man to just walk in to my life. So until then I’m just stuck with patience because I won’t settle for just anyone because I’m lonely. I don’t understand how anyone could. It’s okay to give people a chance but if you find yourself dating someone that you just know you won’t be truly happy with then why continue? Why starve yourself to think that, “One day, one day I’m going to love this person.” Or even worse, “One day he’s going to love me.” Ugh, I just cringed at the thought. I refuse to be that woman again. Instead, I will be the woman that is patient because I know what I want and I am confident that the Lord will provide me with such a man.

 

And acceptance?

 

I just have to accept the fact that it just may take another year or two, maybe even more, until that man comes along. I wish I could tell my single friends who read my blog that it gets easier, but it doesn’t lol. You just have to distract yourself from dwelling in sadness. It’s okay to be lonely, but don’t drown in it. There have been plenty of times when I got in my car and went somewhere just to be around other people. Which is why I really miss the warm weather. I miss being outside and now that I’m stuck inside I’m also stuck with my thoughts and BET movies. But January is almost over and I just have to make it to March. I can do it. We can do it. We got this.

 

P.s. I won’t stop being there for my friends. I was there before and I am still here now.

 

Single for the Holidays?

I love the holidays. Especially Christmas. For me it’s just always been a happy time seeing all of my family getting together, eating lots of food, and going to church. I also find Christmas to be very romantic and just like last Christmas, this Christmas I will be single again.

Now that’s not a completely terrible thing. I mean I would love to spend this time with a man I am deeply in love with but I won’t and I am okay with that.

REALLY I AM!

wine-crying-desk

But seriously though, I know us single people always get tired of hearing the same old, “Oh take this time to really work on yourself.” Although this is true, what does it really mean? A few weeks ago I watched this sermon from Toure Roberts called 5 Keys to Identifying Your Soulmate. I won’t get in to too much of what he said but one of his keys was something about making sure you are in the right place to receive your soulmate. He said that God wasn’t going to send you your soulmate while you’re in a bad place and mentally I am in a bad place. Lately, I have been feeling that I am in no way ready to receive the man that God is going to bless me with. Right now I am struggling to figure out what path to take, I have hella bills to pay, and I have no idea whether I want to stay here in Richmond or not next year. It may not seem like much but to me it’s been eating me up inside. But I can honestly say that this holidays season I am in a much happier place than I was in last year. I am truly thankful for my friends because they have been directly by my side since my breakup as well as my family.

So if you find yourself lonely and sad this holiday season, do something that makes you happy. Hang out with some friends, visit your family. Surround yourself with people who love you and have fun. (But be safe.) And if you lack friends, or family then go to work. Pick up some extra shifts or get a seasonal job and get that extra shmoney (money) LOL You could take that trip to that place you always wanted to go or buy yourself that thing you always wanted. I don’t know, but just don’t subject yourself to loneliness if you don’t want to be. Know that I always love you and that there’s a God above who is always there when you need Him. Remember, that he’s working on your soulmate too and you’ll want them to be in a good place too when the time comes for you to receive them. You deserve the absolute BEST and God will give that to you. You just have to wait on it.

By the way, I truly appreciate all of the love you guys have been giving me on my posts. It started out as a way for me to get out some of my frustrations with out doing it through long facebook posts but I see that it has turned in to so much more. If you’re a blogger then keep doing what you’re doing because just when you think no one’s reading it, one day someone may stumble upon it and be grateful that you put it out there.

Check out the Sermon I was talking about

My issue with the”friendzone” (It’s not what you think.) Very short.

I’m afraid that if I post this I’ll have some interesting messages in my inbox…

*sighs* Oh well.

What happens when you like someone and they don’t like you back? You get put into the “friendzone.” Apparently I am guilty of doing this. However, I believe that most guys put themselves into this position. Why? Because they don’t express their emotions to the women they like. I mean, if you like someone then just go and tell them. Guys are so afraid of rejection that they themselves miss out on great things because they’re too afraid of being turned down. Be  specific about how you feel. We are too old to be playing games. Plus even if you do get turned down just accept it and move on. There are plenty of women out here for you to be bitter that one of them does not want you back. 

So if you get put into the friendzone don’t be upset. He/she just may not be the one. I believe in vibes and having chemistry with a person and if you don’t have it then you just don’t have it.

I realize that this was basically a slight Facebook rant but who cares. No one reads these anyway😂