More than skin deep. My awkwardness defined.

How did I grow up to be the tall, awkward, shy but opinionated, optimistic mixed girl? 

Since I started school I was always quiet. I remember my first day of kindergarten I cried because I was so scared of being away from my parents. I was always very shy and as I got older that’s pretty much what every one who actually acknowledged my existence thought of when someone would mentioned me. But even though I was shy I still had to develop thick skin at an early age. I was in third grade when we had to move from the county to the city. It was a culture shock for me. I went from a predominately white elementary school and having mostly white friends to going to a very urban school with mostly blacks and Latinos. I remember my first day there I was walking in line to go to lunch and this dark skinned black girl was sitting in the corner because she was in time out and gave me the most stank look I had ever seen. She took that one look at me and I was so shocked and confused. I didn’t even know her and she basically hates me for no reason. I realized as I got older that it was obvious. There she was this dark skinned big lipped girl with corn rows sitting in time out and here I was this new light skinned girl with long curly hair just going to lunch. She was jealous of me and she honestly wasn’t the first. But I never thought of myself as the pretty one. Elementary school was the only time I looked at myself as “decent.” 

Middle school was the worst for me. Not only was my body changing, my parents separated and I stayed with my dad, my only friend moved away, my dad wasn’t working so he couldn’t afford to buy me school clothes which I really needed because I hit a growth spurt in 7th grade. I was 5’7 in 8th grade wearing Reebok classics (they were huge) but all I could think about was if I was going to eat when I got home and if this would be the week we get our water turned back on. My life was rough in middle school but thank God we survived. Boys were the last thing on my mind. 

The summer before 9th grade started my best friends gay uncle (Uncle Isaac) introduced me to makeup. He had this little powder makeup compact and he said “Ooo let me try this on you and see how it looks!” So I let him and it honestly changed my life. I had acne scars really bad and I didn’t really know how to take care of my skin so when he powdered my face my eyes opened up and I finally thought that I looked decent again. So at 14 years old I began wearing makeup and since we still moved around a lot I was constantly being “the new girl.” High school was better but not really. I was still shy but since I was getting attention from boys (finally) I no longer thought of myself as ugly. But since I was was still shy and no one knew, I was labeled as conceited. Which was HIGHLY wrong!

Going away to college was my breakout moment. Since it was my first time alone I was forced to open up and make friends and simply speak up for myself. Even though I didn’t finish college my time there still helped mold me into the woman I am today. I had to go through bad relationships and learn how to speak my mind. I had to stop being the shy girl and say the things I had always wanted to say. Since I went through the things I went through as a child and had accepted Jesus I realized that I was always going to be alright no matter what He took me through. And I know that I may not be in the most perfect place in my life now but it’s surely better than the place other people imagined me to be in. The odds were always against my sister and I growing up. Having a mother who wasn’t always around made us destined for early pregnancy and welfare. And even though my sister did get pregnant at an early age she also worked her ass off to become a nurse and beat those odds. That gave me hope. Growing up the way I did gave me an optimistic look on life. Yes I may not have my life altogether but at least I ate today lol 

So here I am, 23 years old and still shy at times. Although I’ve built up more confidence over the years I’m still very awkward. I like to observe people and I can’t help it. When I was just shy I wouldn’t talk but I would always listen and I still do. I can also talk to people all day but sometimes I just want to watch other people. My constant observations haven’t always been the best quality of mine however. Mostly because with my observing comes thoughts. I feel like people should know what they’re doing wrong, not that I’m always right about people but if I think someone’s going to make a bad decision I’m going to tell them. I think my honesty makes me a better person. I would want people to be honest with me, but I have learned that everyone can not handle the honest truth. 

In the end I’m satisfied with who I’ve become. I know I’m not finished evolving and I’m welcome to growth. I love being able to call myself a Mexican and a black woman. I am also thankful that we now live in a society where dark is not considered “ugly” because people ask me all the time if my mother is light skinned and I say no. My mother a beautiful dark skinned woman and she is part of the reason why I have grown to be the confident woman I am today from learning from her. She never thought of herself as “less than” because she wasn’t light. My mama is a strong black woman and so am I so be proud of who you are no matter what shade you are! 

I stand with all of those around the world who marched for women’s rights and the rights of so many others! You are so amazing whether you marched along or admired from afar. We can’t stop, we must continue this fight and love one another on the way no matter what color, shade, sex, religion, or political party.

Patience and acceptance. Life a year and a half later.

I know you guys are tired of me talking about relationships but I honestly have nothing else to talk about. So here you go!

It’s been almost a year and a half since my breakup and I have to say that my life is in a different place than where it was this time last year. I was having lunch with a friend today and we talked a little about it and it really had me thinking, “I was really living life last year..” Mostly it was just me going out with friends downtown and being the twenty-two year old I was and I still enjoy going out every now and then but not for the same reasons. Last year was about me being free and being able to do and go anywhere I want and I did. I got on a plane by myself and flew to Texas which was amazing but I need to slow down this year. 2017 has me really trying get my life on some sort of path to success wherever that may be and since I’m subjected to going to work and just coming home (because I have bills to pay) I’m lonely.

 

But Ang you’re always alone. You said yourself that you love it?

 

And yes I do love my alone time but my craving for companionship isn’t just for someone to be around. I want someone to be there for me emotionally. Mostly because since I don’t really have a life, I make myself emotionally available for my friends and family at all times. If they need to talk, I am there. If I don’t have time then I will make time. But I have my own problems as well. And I don’t talk about them much because I don’t want to burden anyone with what often seems to me like nothing. But it is something. I was so stressed out in December that I ended up in the emergency room and I was forced to finally talk about what was going on. And maybe I just need a therapist, who knows? My point is, when the time is right I want to be with someone who is able to be there for me emotionally. Yes, I know Jesus is always there and I’ve filled my mind, and car, with scriptures but we’re talking about my future here.

 

Which brings me to patience. My years of working in a nursing home have not prepared me for this. Patience is hard. I mean, I can’t force my dream man to just walk in to my life. So until then I’m just stuck with patience because I won’t settle for just anyone because I’m lonely. I don’t understand how anyone could. It’s okay to give people a chance but if you find yourself dating someone that you just know you won’t be truly happy with then why continue? Why starve yourself to think that, “One day, one day I’m going to love this person.” Or even worse, “One day he’s going to love me.” Ugh, I just cringed at the thought. I refuse to be that woman again. Instead, I will be the woman that is patient because I know what I want and I am confident that the Lord will provide me with such a man.

 

And acceptance?

 

I just have to accept the fact that it just may take another year or two, maybe even more, until that man comes along. I wish I could tell my single friends who read my blog that it gets easier, but it doesn’t lol. You just have to distract yourself from dwelling in sadness. It’s okay to be lonely, but don’t drown in it. There have been plenty of times when I got in my car and went somewhere just to be around other people. Which is why I really miss the warm weather. I miss being outside and now that I’m stuck inside I’m also stuck with my thoughts and BET movies. But January is almost over and I just have to make it to March. I can do it. We can do it. We got this.

 

P.s. I won’t stop being there for my friends. I was there before and I am still here now.

 

Single for the Holidays?

I love the holidays. Especially Christmas. For me it’s just always been a happy time seeing all of my family getting together, eating lots of food, and going to church. I also find Christmas to be very romantic and just like last Christmas, this Christmas I will be single again.

Now that’s not a completely terrible thing. I mean I would love to spend this time with a man I am deeply in love with but I won’t and I am okay with that.

REALLY I AM!

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But seriously though, I know us single people always get tired of hearing the same old, “Oh take this time to really work on yourself.” Although this is true, what does it really mean? A few weeks ago I watched this sermon from Toure Roberts called 5 Keys to Identifying Your Soulmate. I won’t get in to too much of what he said but one of his keys was something about making sure you are in the right place to receive your soulmate. He said that God wasn’t going to send you your soulmate while you’re in a bad place and mentally I am in a bad place. Lately, I have been feeling that I am in no way ready to receive the man that God is going to bless me with. Right now I am struggling to figure out what path to take, I have hella bills to pay, and I have no idea whether I want to stay here in Richmond or not next year. It may not seem like much but to me it’s been eating me up inside.Ā But I can honestly say that this holidays season I am in a much happier place than I was in last year. I am truly thankful for my friends because they have been directly by my side since my breakup as well as my family.

So if you find yourself lonely and sad this holiday season, do something that makes you happy. Hang out with some friends, visit your family. Surround yourself with people who love you and have fun. (But be safe.) And if you lack friends, or family then go to work. Pick up some extra shifts or get a seasonal job and get that extra shmoney (money) LOL You could take that trip to that place you always wanted to go or buy yourself that thing you always wanted. I don’t know, but just don’t subject yourself to loneliness if you don’t want to be. Know that I always love you and that there’s a God above who is always there when you need Him. Remember, that he’s working on your soulmate too and you’ll want them to be in a good place too when the time comes for you to receive them. You deserve the absolute BEST and God will give that to you. You just have to wait on it.

By the way, I truly appreciate all of the love you guys have been giving me on my posts. It started out as a way for me to get out some of my frustrations with out doing it through long facebook posts but I see that it has turned in to so much more. If you’re a blogger then keep doing what you’re doing because just when you think no one’s reading it, one day someone may stumble upon it and be grateful that you put it out there.

Check out the Sermon I was talking about

I am a Christian and a die hard democrat: And other slight thoughts on Tuesday’s tragedy.

I’m not afraid to say this because I firmly believe in separating my religious beliefs with my political beliefs. And I believe that this is one of the main reasons why this country is so divided now. We live in a country where so many people love and worship whichever way they want. So why is it that conservative America still refuses to accept that? I am intelligent enough to have realized that not everyone worships my God and that’s perfectly fine with me. That doesn’t mean I keep Him hidden. I’m very open about my relationship with Christ and I’m unashamed of it. I also believe in love because that’s what Jesus has taught me. I love my gay friends. I love my Muslim friends. I love my friends who’ve had abortions and when they all look at me they don’t see a person condemning them to hell with a bible in her hand. They just see a friend who loves them.  

But that’s not why I’m a democrat. 

I’m a democrat because my mother is a black woman from the south. Who taught me what it was like growing up in her time. I remember being a little girl and her telling me about the day they killed Martin Luther King Jr. while she was at school and they watched it on tv the whole day in class. I’m a democrat because my father came to this country from Mexico seeking a better life. He was a real immigrant who had to get a green card to come into this country to work. 

But most of all…

I’m a democrat because I know what it’s like to live in hard times. To grow up without much. To have your water shut off for a whole summer and go back to school in clothes that were given to me because my dad couldn’t afford it. I didn’t grow up privileged like many of my white colleagues while I attended Liberty University. When I vote I vote based on real issues that affect MY LIFE. Issues like healthcare, something I couldn’t and still can’t afford. I vote for issues that affect what I can and can’t do to MY BODY if I ever needed to make that decision. I vote for issues that deal with people close to me when it comes to their parents being undocumented because their parents have become my parents and I hate to see that family torn apart. So no, I refuse to vote for a candidate based off of my religious beliefs because as far as I know Jesus was neither a republican nor democrat. And for all of you conservative Christians who did vote for dickhead Trump I hope you are happy with your contribution to dividing this nation and helping to destroy everything we’ve worked so SO hard to build. 

Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest. I’m done with this issue. I hope Trump has a good presidency and completely obliterates the Republican Party.āœŒšŸ½ļø

You guys just keep giving me content for my blog.

Let me just start off by saying that this is my blog, not a college essay. Therefore upon posting I try to proofread my posts a couple of times but it still it may end up being a little sloppy. I could care less though as long as i’m getting my point across lol

Now for the real reason why i’m here. I will start by telling you about a small situation that occurred today. So a couple days ago I ran into a friend at the Wawa. We talked for a little and then planned to hang out. So i’m thinking, “oh okay cool maybe we’ll get dinner or a drink at the bar and just talk.” Nah. So today came along and I asked him where he wanted to meet and this guy responded with, “Just come over.”

 

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Now, this is not a guy that i’m particularly interested in. I mean, maybe he would be if I was actually interested in a male companion but i’m not. But that’s not even the reason why i’m so bothered. I’m bothered because after he said that I replied with, “No. I’d rather just get food. I’m hungry.” SO THIS GUY SAYS, “Whoa. That was kinda rude.”

 

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Now me being the outspoken feminist that I am. I said, “Because I said no? Because i’m entitled to my own decisions? Because i’d rather get food? Lol which one was it?”

 

As I sit here still wondering which part of what I said was rude (Because I obviously haven’t gotten a text back yet with the response) I don’t understand what else he expected? For me to ask him to send me the address? What did he think was going to happen? I hardly know this guy and who knows what could have happened if I did go over there. As women we have got to be smarter. And I am saddened because how many of us have actually fallen for something like this? Some of these men, are so quick to call a woman a whore for sleeping with them and yet if they say no to being in a position like that then they’re, “rude.” I’m not saying that if i had went over there he would have tried to put a move on me but come on guys!?

I have been up since 7am. I went to a working job interview, I went to work at my actual job, and then I went to my nieces basketball game. I was starving but even if I had been home all day I still wouldn’t have felt comfortable going to that man’s house. So if i’m rude for thinking about my safety and my well-being then let me be rude then. I have been called MUCH worse.

 

So ladies, protect yourselves and NEVER be afraid or ashamed to say NO.Ā 

 

lana

#imwithHER

My issue with the”friendzone” (It’s not what you think.) Very short.

I’m afraid that if I post this I’ll have some interesting messages in my inbox…

*sighs* Oh well.

What happens when you like someone and they don’t like you back? You get put into the “friendzone.” Apparently I am guilty of doing this. However, I believe that most guys put themselves into this position. Why? Because they don’t express their emotions to the women they like. I mean, if you like someone then just go and tell them. Guys are so afraid of rejection that they themselves miss out on great things because they’re too afraid of being turned down. Be  specific about how you feel. We are too old to be playing games. Plus even if you do get turned down just accept it and move on. There are plenty of women out here for you to be bitter that one of them does not want you back. 

So if you get put into the friendzone don’t be upset. He/she just may not be the one. I believe in vibes and having chemistry with a person and if you don’t have it then you just don’t have it.

I realize that this was basically a slight Facebook rant but who cares. No one reads these anywayšŸ˜‚

This may upset you.

***Disclaimer: If you’re wondering if this post is about you, then it probably is.***

So as most of you know by now, I’m not the greatest at relationships and I don’t know if it’s me or just the men I choose to be with but this has got to stop. 

Let’s get personal…

I’m not a virgin and that was a personal choice but it’s taken me 4 failed relationships to realize that I gotta stop giving in to these boys who promise me the world but end up giving me misery instead. Now I’m not you’re average girl from RVA. Meaning I’ve been smart about whom I chose to have sex with AND make sure I’m protected because I’m not about to just have anyone’s baby. And that’s mostly because that’s who most of my friends have become. I don’t understand it. How can a woman choose to have a child by a man that does not support her AND the child. Now I’m in no way saying that she shouldn’t of had the child but WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH HIM THOUGH? And then you choose to have another baby by this boy? 

But back to me

I have come to the conclusion that I’m not getting anywhere like this. I’m not saying I’m giving up on love but I need more. I need stability and commitment and all that other stuff females want but boys my age just want sex. And lately that’s been most guys I’ve dated. I’m tired of these boys coming into my life claiming to be godly for show but you still ask me for sex?  

I’ve asked God to send me a nice young pastor or a guy who just genuinely loves the Lord. I keep getting wolves in sheeps clothing instead. (Or guys I just can’t vibe with but I’m working on that post.) 

Now I won’t call it celibacy because that’ll just jinx it but I do believe in really waiting for a man to come into a woman’s life and really proving to her why SHE should be with him and not the other way around. We let these men get away with way too much. I’m all for women being open with their sexuality but if marriage is what you ultimately want then you have to stop giving these fuckboys marriage benefits with out the actual marriage. I have heard this same message over and over again but sometimes it takes more than one heartache for it to really resonate with a person. 

So to all of my strong women out there; take care of yourselves. Stop letting men use you and then leave you. You deserve more than that. You deserve a man that will truly love you, cherish you, treat you like and actual queen and not just say that to make you travel miles away to just buy you gifts and sleep with him. You’re a queen without the king and you deserve to be happy. You might get lonely but lonely and content is a million times better than being miserable and with someone who doesn’t value you just so you won’t be alone. You are all you need and if you believe in God then you always have him too. 

Switching jobs, taking new paths, and trying to love again?

That’s where I am in life.Ā 

As the summer began I started a new job and thought to myself, “Hey maybe this is what I was really meant to be doing.” But as the summer comes to an end I realize that this is not the case. And even though I love what I do I have to say that it’s not my calling. A few nights ago I was talking to my sister about my troubles at work and I felt God really speaking to me through her. She said, “Sometimes God puts you in a situation and he makes it uncomfortable for you so that you can get up and leave.” And I felt it was true because even though I loved my job I have to say that the past few weeks have been really REALLY hard. Healthcare is not easy guys. No matter what you do in the field, whether you work as a nurse, a CNA, or even a housekeeper. So with that being said I accepted a new job and decided to finish up my program this fall. And even though I’m taking a pay cut I know that it’s for the best. Mostly because I want to move ahead in life and I don’t want to feel stuck in the same place with no opportunity for advancement and that’s how I felt at my job. So here I am embarking on a new journey and slowly trying figure out what’s going on in my (somewhat existent) love life.

There’s some pros about long distance relationships

In my case, I can really focus on what I’m trying to do for myself in order to get my life together. Which I can really thank my bf for. One of the things I admire about him is that he really has pushed me to set some goals and to accomplish them. I think over the past year I really avoided thinking about the future. I didn’t want to because the plans I made didn’t happen and I was left to start over. But now that I’m with someone new I guess I kinda have to start thinking about it again and who knows where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing a year from now. I just hope that I’m happy. And that’s the thing about faith, when you have it it’s hard to worry. I have to say that after I got a call back from the second job I applied to, I stopped worrying because I knew that God would take care of me. I knew that things would be okay and that his plans for me are to prosper me and give me hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). So I let go and let God and with all the stress that I’ve endured this summer I am blessed to have had this opportunity to work here and past places. I got to share some really great moments with some really great elderly people.

Love after heartbreak

As I sit in my room at night contemplating the complexities as to how I have managed to find someone I may potentially be falling for; I can’t help but ask myself if I am truly ready for this? But the truth is, are any of us ever truly ready for love after heartbreak? I believe that love is a risk that many of us choose to take when we think that the person we decide to give our heart to is worthy of our love. When we love someone we’re basically giving them permission to hurt us in the worst way possible but trusting them enough that they won’t. Almost a year has gone by since I let a man anywhere near me and yet I find myself taking a liking to particular guy which makes me question whether or not I’m truly ready for this? Is he ready for this? The good thing about this person is that they completely understand my situation. And the words “girlfriend/boyfriend” scare us but should I ever decide to place anyone in that category it would be him. My advice to anyone moving on after a heartbreak would be to take your time. Even if you think you’re going slow GO SLOWER! Love shouldn’t feel rushed and the last thing any of us want is another failed relationship. So get to know yourself and your partner before you jump into something serious but don’t resist the opportunity to move on. You may actually find something beautiful. 

“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.” – Dr. Maya Angelou

Where do I go from here?

Just when you think your life is going in one direction you get hit with a detour that you have no choice but to take. That’s sort of what happened to me back in August of last year. I went from thinking I had found the guy of my dreams to finding myself alone and heartbroken and extremely angry. I was angry because I had wasted two years of my life with someone who threw it all away for a night with another girl. To this day I don’t know what they did and I don’t care to know. But what I do know for sure is that I needed to go through that. Of course it still hurts like hell but it’s taken me out of that fairy tale love story that so many young women try to make for themselves. We get so caught up in falling in love and finding someone to spend the rest of our lives with that we don’t know what it’s like to truly survive on our own especially in this post high school/college funk. I had lost myself in my last relationship though. I put him before myself, before my own needs and goals. I ignored the signs that told me it was time to leave or take a break from it because I thought that it would work itself out. But it never did. It only got worse. How could someone I thought loved me so much hurt me so badly in the end? I didn’t want to know his response. I just wanted him out of my life.

I dealt with this heartbreak the only way I could. To just leave it and never look back. I distanced myself from everything that had anything to do with him and I was able to regain my strength. But I’m not like other women and have my past relationships to thank for that. I had been heartbroken before and a time before that and a time before that. But there was something about this time that really sparked something inside of me. If he didn’t want to be with me I wasn’t going to beg him to change his mind. I wasn’t going to “fight for my relationship” because he wasn’t my husband, he was just a boyfriend and he had the choice to freely leave whenever he wanted out. In the end I knew my worth and I wasn’t going to let some immature boy with no direction in his life dictate that.

Several months later, and here I am writing this post not just for me but for the next woman going through something similar. Don’t ever settle babygirl. If you love a man and he’s not giving you the love you crave in return then he is not for you. You deserve to be loved. You deserved to be respected. And you deserve to be treated as an equal. Don’t ever rush love because you’re lonely or because every one around you seems to be in a happy relationship. Your time will come and I promise you that when it does and if you wait for it the right way, it will all be worth it. I’ll never sacrifice my life, my dignity, my ability to wait, or my love for the Lord just to be able to say that I have a boyfriend again. I had made so many promises to God that “In my next relationship I’ll wait.” But I never kept that promise. And I don’t blame my inability to keep a promise on why my relationships never worked out but it sure did make the pain hurt more. Time and time again I gave up a part of myself that I could never get back and I wasted it on guys who were in no way worthy of truly loving me. BUT GOD rescued me. He delivered me from heartache and no I am not completely healed but he has made me stronger than I was before. Before my last relationship even started and after being engaged and then humiliated God ended up giving me confirmation that everything would be alright. That I didn’t have to worry because I have a father up above who loves me (I also have pretty amazing earthly father too.)

One thing I can be sure of is that if I ever do decide to start a new relationship with someone I will be confident that this person will be who God has sent for me. I don’t want to rush in to anything and I most certainly don’t want to settle. It’s so easy to fall in love with someone and ignore all of the red flags that come up throughout the ordeal.

  1. If he is a non-believer and is close minded about it don’t begin a relationship with him.
  2. God will never send you an already committed man whether it be married, going through a divorce, or simply seeing another woman. If he cheated with you, he will cheat on you!
  3. He must treat you as his equal and with respect.

But these points are just what I go by when it comes to who I choose to date. And yes, I have been on a few dates but I am in no way ready to start a new relationship any time soon. I want to live. I want to experience life for myself and I like to believe that my future mate is doing the same. I don’t expect him to be perfect but I do expect him to be ready. I refuse to wait around for a man to love me when he’s ready because he wants to chase some little girls right now. I may only be twenty two but I am still too grown to put up with that. For now just let me live. Let me grow in the Lord and in life. Yes I do still get lonely but I have discipline. I don’t feel the need to find a random guy and ask him to hang out because I know what that might lead to and I’m not about to go down that road again. If I do go out on a date with a guy it’s because I have the freedom to and not because I’m lonely and need some one to tell me I’m pretty.

My hope that is that this post truly helps someone out there as much as it has helped me by writing it. I feel like God blessed me with a spirit to help women of all ages. So whether your sixteen or sixty one, life doesn’t end after a failed relationship. It has only begun. Take some time to love yourself and look for God in the little moments and the little blessings like brewing a cup of coffee or calling your mom to say hello. Life is way too short to be in a miserable relationship.

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