For the good guys

With Valentine’s Day here I thought I’d share some thoughts that have been going back and forth in my head lately. I also said that I would dedicate this post to the men that have been reading along as well. Even though some may find this to not be a very “warm” post, I will remind you that I’m not here to be mean or to condemn anyone for anything they’ve done. I am here to share my thoughts and experiences. With that being said I’ll begin by sharing a little situation that I found myself in not too long ago.

This guy had been asking me out through one of my social media pages for months. I’ve declined numerous times by making excuses or just not responding. Finally one day it really got to me, so I told him, “You ask me out a lot. I’m going to decline again.” He apologized and said he wouldn’t do it again and continued to message me saying he’s sorry and that he didn’t mean to be rude or annoying.

But he was…

And I was fed up not only because of his approach (abrupt and continuous) but he was persistent in a way that made me feel uncomfortable. I notice that some men believe just because someone asks you out “politely” you should go out with them. What I think they neglect to realize is that women don’t naturally choose people to hang out with like men do. I don’t want to make it sound as though this man is some sort of predator but I don’t know. I honestly don’t know him from a can of paint. I would’ve thought by him knowing I wasn’t interested, he could’ve simply channeled that energy somewhere else or with someone that was. I’ve also found myself in other situations where someone was interested in me however, the feelings were not mutual. What has always annoyed me was my guy friends “jokingly” asking me why I won’t give them a chance perhaps since I had been single for so long. In this case, something really isn’t better than nothing and I declined because I didn’t want to and I don’t really need a reason to not want to go out with someone.

It’s as if some men think because they asked you out politely, ask you how your day is going, compliment you, that it should be enough to prove that they’re a “good guy” and that it’s enough for you to go out with them. But it’s just giving the bare minimum. How can one assume that someone is good just because they showed simple manners? It’s madness is what it is. And sometimes we women don’t realize it but we treat God in a similar way. We give Him the bare minimum. We’ll go to church on Sundays, we “tithe” or give an offering. Not the full 10% but we give what we can and because of this we are giving God the bare minimum and start to believe that it’s enough for Him to reward us a man because of it. It’s such a funny world we live in, especially as single Christian men and women viewing things from different perspectives. I can’t tell you how to date or who to date, just know that when the right one does come along you won’t have to question it or feel apprehensive about it.

I guess you want the full explanation of why I declined? Well other than me not knowing him, I just didn’t feel like it was a good idea. It wasn’t because he asked me out on the platform he did, I just believe that there is a way to pursue a woman that shouldn’t be so…harsh. In addition to that, I simply was not interested in him and the least I could do was give him a clear answer. I respect people and I didn’t want to just ignore his offers either. I wasn’t going to go out with him under any circumstance because I know how it feels to hang out with someone you’re interested in and them not feel the same way. Being in this situation allowed me to think of my own attractions to men and how boundaries have helped me from developing feelings for men who have no interest in me romantically. I’ve only had about two “real” crushes in my adult years and it took awhile for me to realize that it wasn’t going anywhere and once I did I told myself that I was done. But the moment they showed me just the slightest bit of interest, I was back in. It took some time but I came to realize that we are all entitled to who we like and who we don’t like. I’m not for everyone and that’s okay. Everyone isn’t for me and that is also okay because if you were truly meant to be in my life then God would have you be there. 

Today is a day meant for love. Whether you’ve found it yet or not, continue praying for it, keep hoping for it and remember this ladies, you are vulnerable, not desperate!

– Angelica

Are you there God?

I’ve learned a lot since choosing to abstain from sex. A lot about myself, a lot about women and a lot about men. For a long time I informed others as to why celibacy was beneficial to me and neglected to showcase why it was actually pleasing to God. I tried to cover up my Christianity so that people from the outside wouldn’t judge me as being crazy for my decision so I convinced them (and myself) that it was all a part of “clearing my mind.” In doing so, I realized that the world had such an animalistic view of sex and I am no animal! They will try to convince you that you NEED to have sex because it’s just in our nature and it doesn’t matter how you get it or who you get it with as long as you’re getting it.

I can’t say that my being abstinent has really gotten in the way of dating because honestly I haven’t dated anyone long enough for that to happen. I do worry about it though. I’d be lying if I told you that I didn’t still have sexual thoughts. Sometimes heavily and so much that I’ve almost considered throwing in the towel, a few times actually with someone I was close to but not dating for… other reasons. Anyways, it’s easy to not have sex when you’re by yourself. It’s another story to abstain from sex with someone you’re involved with. I know that it’s possible but I also know me. I’m just being real and three years without sex is a long time but it may be a few more years until my wedding night (it’s already looking like it) so in the meantime I’ll keep praying and convincing you single women (and men) out there why no sex is the way to go because it truly is. One of the greatest things I’ve accepted is that my body is MY body and I can’t give just anybody access to that. Y’all men don’t deserve it! That’s not just in regards to sex, it’s even in the clothes I choose to wear. I still like to get cute and show off my curves because I do love my body but I also know that men can be the real animals when it comes to women’s bodies. I’m not saying you shouldn’t show your body, you do whatever YOU are comfortable with. But as for ME and MY body? We’re covering up because I’m over men objectifying my thighs and hips.

You may be thinking, “What does what you wear have to do with sex?” It always begins with the attention. Men give you a little bit of attention and you think “Wow, he must really like me?” No. He probably just wants to have sex with you without ever really getting to know you. We’ve settled on men just wanting to have sex with us as being a good thing. It’s not if you’re looking for a godly relationship. I mean if you’re not a Christian then do what you will but you can’t pursue God and pick and choose which parts of holiness are convenient for you. We talk about marriage in the church more than we talk about the steps it takes to get there and I believe it’s because once we’re there we’re fixing all of the things that have gone wrong because we didn’t choose to stay abstinent before we got to marriage.

Okay I’m ranting now. That was a lot but it had to be said. I wrestled with God for years about me needing to stop having sex and discovering it’s not just about me not having sex. It’s about my struggles with lust and temptation. I would always say I’d stop but go right back to it. You try to tell yourself “Well other people are doing it, why can’t I?” When the whole time they are fighting battles just as much as you are they just don’t get convicted in the same way. The closer you are to God the more you’ll know when you’re doing something wrong and your decision to do something about it shows your obedience to Him. I always knew I shouldn’t have been living that life but when I chose to FULLY and wholeheartedly pursue the will of God, He let me know that He had greater for me and I was tired of settling for less.

‘I will not speak with you much longer, for the ruler of the world (Satan) is coming. And he has no claim on Me [no power over Me nor anything that he can use against Me]; but so that the world may know [without any doubt] that I love the Father, I do exactly as the Father has commanded Me [and act in full agreement with Him]. Get up, let us go from here.’

John 14:30-31 

I’m coming for every single thing God has for me whether that includes a husband or not. I know God is still good.

– Angelica