I went into the start of 2021 with my grandmother passing away the first two weeks in. I wasn’t very close to her but she did hold a prominent place in my life. Unfortunately, more bad than good but I figured since she didn’t show me much love while she was here, I could at least take advantage of her death as much as I could and for as long as I could. I was vulnerable and in my vulnerability I looked for love in literally all the wrong places.
A year or so ago I thought I had met the man of my dreams. I won’t get into too much detail about it but after he reached out to me at the end of the year I was reminded of the “why.” Why I wait or try to.
I’ll be honest, I didn’t make the greatest decisions last year but come on my grandmother died!
I was also sick and tired of always being the strong one that I wanted someone to take care of me for a change. Fortunately, none of the men I dated lasted and I didn’t beat myself up over breaking my celibacy either. Now it wasn’t a complete hotgirl summer, more like a weekend and obviously I’ve since started abstinence again but it just showed me that my desires were carnal. The further I pushed away from God the more I wanted to fall into the hands of someone else and that someone else wasn’t lasting. Like at all. That’s the part that hurts, the part I think that God had me deal with the most. The “broken promise” is not what shames me, it’s the fact that I tried to feel love from men (sexually and non-sexually) that actually didn’t let me feel anything like that at all even after I asked for it.
I like to believe that by the end of 2021 I had forgiven myself for all of that. After I asked God for forgiveness of course. But it still hasn’t been easy, especially when the men that I wanted to notice me, weren’t noticing me at all and I thought that meant that something was wrong with me. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve become quite self conscious lately, like am I not approachable? Am I not pretty enough? I know these aren’t true and I’m just in my head like always but the thoughts came up and I wondered why all the men that weren’t good for me seemed to be able to break their way through?
This isn’t in no way meant to be a sad, pitiful post. I actually like to think of my dating life as a romantic comedy-minus the romance. I do like to joke about it and would like to share these stories with my husband one day and hopefully hear some of his too.
The good thing about this waiting thing for me atleast, is that I’ve been keeping busy, especially now. With me having a full time job, being back in school, and very active in ministry at my church it leaves me with little time to think about me being single. I am also very blessed to be in the presence of other beautiful single women that keep me laughing and honestly going. Life is better with friends and I’m blessed to have them.
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