I knew this time would come

I missed my anniversary. I had plans for it, kind of. I wanted to bake a cake, eat it in celebration of the past six years. I remember back then when I felt hopeless, unloved, confused, almost every emotion I could feel all at once. I thought that in order to feel happiness I had to attach myself to someone else. It took a lot of lonely nights, a lot of random drives and a hell of a lot of daydreaming that took me out of the reality that I may never fall in love again or even be happy but I don’t think I really knew what happiness was at the time.

Growth is bittersweet. It takes forever but also if you work on it well enough, it’ll be here before you know it. Hopefully some of you reading this have been able to bear witness to this growth whether personally or through this blog. It’s been a journey taking the time to nurture my inner child, to care for her, tell her she’s beautiful and actually believe it. I thank God for listening to me, not only through my prayers but through my cries. For the past six years I’ve been able to be the most vulnerable, the most emotional, the most of myself and that’s why after much consideration, I’ve made this decision to end this blog. Six years is a long time to pour my heart out but considering this growth, I’ve realized I’m not the same version of myself that I was when I began alliamisyours. It will always be a part of me and I guess until I figure out my next steps, most of it will still be here. I want to thank you all for reading, reposting, sharing and encouraging me along this journey. Before I leave you, I want to share some of the lessons that I’ve learned and would have liked to share with my twenty-two year old self right before I started this blog.

Learn to love yourself Because how can you expect anyone else to love you the way you deserve, the way you want? 

Try your best to heal It’s definitely not easy, but it’s worth it.

Happiness starts with me I am the object of my own happiness and I have to choose to be happy even when I don’t feel like it. It’s okay to be sad sometimes, but don’t stay there any longer than you have to. 

Love doesn’t have to be hard/You’re not hard to love Enough said.

Faith can oftentimes be the only thing you have There have been plenty of times where I felt like giving up and my faith was the only thing I had to hold on to. When life got it’s hardest, I learned to pray for comfort so that God could ease the pain and I held on to that faith that He would and He did.

It’s not much but it’s all I’ve got. I don’t know why things happen the way they do, they just do but I thank God for that. I thank God for every relationship that didn’t work out or happen and I’m looking forward to the joy that lies ahead. 

““And now, O Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in you.”

‭‭

Psalm‬ ‭39:7‬ ‭ESV‬‬

ALLIAMISYOURS may be over (for now) but Jesus & Journals will still be up. In the meantime, continue to pray for me as I handle a few more transitions in my life and continue my writing. The first book is on the way!

Thank you, 

Angelica.

Just for a moment with You

Welcome back my friend. January always seems to take forever to get through but we made it. (Yes I realize we’re now halfway into February) Nonetheless, here are a few updates from me:

1. I got a promotion at work.
2. I’m still figuring out ministry.
3. I’m trying to love myself better.

I think these are the most important updates because they all correlate with each other. Since moving in with my parents last summer I felt like I took a step back. I remember talking to my therapist and telling her that I just felt stagnant. Like I just stopped moving and I don’t feel like I’m going anywhere or if I am going it’s not fast enough. But I was going.

Things have changed in those eight months since I came here. Like I said, I did get a promotion at work that hugely worked in my favor. I believe it was also a way of God letting me know that when the time comes I would be able to afford things on my own and not have to worry about the finances as much. That is, if I stewarded my money better but I’m still working on that part.

Youth ministry has been non-stop but so far not in an overwhelming way. I like serving and I love being with the youth. They make me feel young and less bad about spending so much time on Tik-Tok since my role is social media now. It’s also been encouraging me to grow. This whole walk is a constant growth process but being looked at as a leader is different. I remember when I first realized I was taking on this role I thought to myself, “Me?” I never really thought of myself as a leader mostly because I don’t like any type of spotlight but God is going to do what He wants to do as always. 

I’ve been really self-conscious lately and I think a lot of it is because of ministry and this social media role. I’ve been trying to be more active with my pages but I can’t help but to think about what people may think about me, the way I look, the way I carry myself. It’s very difficult at times and it’s not because I want to portray a certain image. I want to portray myself and who I am. A Jesus loving, wine drinking, woman. I’ve tried not to think so much about it but that’s what I do. I’m a thinker! However, instead of thinking so much, I’ve been trying to be nicer to myself. To love on myself a bit more and just be patient with me.

I’m a constant work in progress and I guess that’s why I still try to be so vulnerable and honest about the things I struggle with because we all struggle with something and we should acknowledge them and work on them. That’s what I’m trying to do. 

Your love is amazing, calling me out
You save me, I’m overwhelmed
Unchanging, now and forever
Your love has healed me, taken my shame completely
Now I can hear You speaking, now and forever

Mosaic MSC Now and Forever

Thanks for riding along with me. 

Much ado about nothing

I went into the start of 2021 with my grandmother passing away the first two weeks in. I wasn’t very close to her but she did hold a prominent place in my life. Unfortunately, more bad than good but I figured since she didn’t show me much love while she was here, I could at least take advantage of her death as much as I could and for as long as I could. I was vulnerable and in my vulnerability I looked for love in literally all the wrong places. 

A year or so ago I thought I had met the man of my dreams. I won’t get into too much detail about it but after he reached out to me at the end of the year I was reminded of the “why.” Why I wait or try to.

I’ll be honest, I didn’t make the greatest decisions last year but come on my grandmother died!

I was also sick and tired of always being the strong one that I wanted someone to take care of me for a change. Fortunately, none of the men I dated lasted and I didn’t beat myself up over breaking my celibacy either. Now it wasn’t a complete hotgirl summer, more like a weekend and obviously I’ve since started abstinence again but it just showed me that my desires were carnal. The further I pushed away from God the more I wanted to fall into the hands of someone else and that someone else wasn’t lasting. Like at all. That’s the part that hurts, the part I think that God had me deal with the most. The “broken promise” is not what shames me, it’s the fact that I tried to feel love from men (sexually and non-sexually) that actually didn’t let me feel anything like that at all even after I asked for it.

I like to believe that by the end of 2021 I had forgiven myself for all of that. After I asked God for forgiveness of course. But it still hasn’t been easy, especially when the men that I wanted to notice me, weren’t noticing me at all and I thought that meant that something was wrong with me. As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve become quite self conscious lately, like am I not approachable? Am I not pretty enough? I know these aren’t true and I’m just in my head like always but the thoughts came up and I wondered why all the men that weren’t good for me seemed to be able to break their way through?

This isn’t in no way meant to be a sad, pitiful post. I actually like to think of my dating life as a romantic comedy-minus the romance. I do like to joke about it and would like to share these stories with my husband one day and hopefully hear some of his too.

The good thing about this waiting thing for me atleast, is that I’ve been keeping busy, especially now. With me having a full time job, being back in school, and very active in ministry at my church it leaves me with little time to think about me being single. I am also very blessed to be in the presence of other beautiful single women that keep me laughing and honestly going. Life is better with friends and I’m blessed to have them.

I lit a match and I watched it burn

I can’t help but recall a time when I hated the decisions I had made. I felt ashamed, stupid, dirty. All at different phases and at once. I pleaded with God and when I didn’t get the response I wanted I told myself, “If I could just go back and do things over!” But I couldn’t. Instead I had to start from scratch. I had no clue who I was. I had no vision, no goals. I tied everything I was to a man. Not any particular man but whatever man that I was tied to at the time. I figured, if I had the man, then I could make myself become the person I was destined to be.

But God took me a different route.

After all of the therapy, the loneliness and figuring things out as they go. A now purified version of myself grew. I grew a lot. Actually more than I ever imagined. More than I thought I could. I took the past five years to find myself, to figure out who I am and what I truly wanted. But most importantly, to become the woman God created me to be. The events that brought me here are nothing short of a testament of His grace, mercy, and favor. 

I want you to know that I had to want to get here. It wasn’t just something that “came with time”. Yes the time passed but I had to ignite the change instead of just waiting and wallowing in my self pity. The change wasn’t easy either. There were people that didn’t like it, didn’t agree. Said I was crazy, too stuck up, too high standards. Some simply didn’t understand and tried to convince me otherwise. The boundaries I created were unliked by many. How dare I not allow people to continue using me as a waste basket for their own emotional trauma? Ultimately, I decided that I had to do what was best for me and for those that come after me. I knew the trauma that had passed down from the women in my family and I decided that it stopped with me.

So here’s to starting over and to finding happiness. Change is hard and it hurts but if you aren’t changing then you aren’t growing. The beauty of change is that you never quite know where you’ll end up. I no longer regret those decisions I made because everything I’ve been through has led me to You.

“The latter glory of this house shall be greater than the former, says the Lord of hosts. And in this place I will give peace, declares the Lord of hosts.” 

Haggai 2:19 ESV

Here’s to what the next five years will bring. 

~ p.s. Free all my sisters from the grips of men that aren’t right for them. Especially the ones that are just wasting your time.

What are you waiting for?

There is fellowship among those who know the pain of suffering.

Bishop T.D Jakes

I feel like I’ve been waiting for forever. Waiting for my mother to apologize, waiting for a husband, waiting to be successful (whatever that means) and no matter what it is I’m waiting for, it just hasn’t happened yet. And for so long I’ve wondered, “How do I continue to wait?” Truth is, there is no “how” you just do. The problem wasn’t that I didn’t know how, I just didn’t want to. I think sometimes we go searching for answers that we already know. We’re really just looking for another solution or rather, another way out.

But also, I’m sick of waiting and wondering if something is going to happen at all? I’ve wasted enough of my time doing absolutely nothing. So I told God that I wanted to serve Him and that’s exactly what I’ve been trying to do. Not just in my church but in my life. After my birthday, I decided that I was going to step into whatever it is God wants me to do as far as my purpose and ministry. Plus it’s not like I have much else going on. As I near the end of my twenties I realize that it’s just time. It’s time for me to stop holding back, time for me to stop procrastinating and putting off God. I’ve chosen my own way of life and look at where it’s gotten me? In some pretty interesting predicaments.

“What are you waiting for?”

I ask myself this question time and time again. I may never get an apology from my mother or anyone else that has hurt me but I don’t want that pain to burden me anymore. My husband may not come for ten more years or he could be right in front of my face. I don’t know but I can’t let that get to me either. It will happen when it happens and if it doesn’t then it doesn’t. I’m not a follower of Christ to get a husband or a family. I’m a Christ follower to point people to Jesus and oftentimes I have to remind myself of that because time is going to pass whether I choose to wait patiently or wait anticipatingly. So I’m choosing to wait patiently. That doesn’t mean that I won’t get upset when things don’t go my way. Sure I’ll probably spend a few more nights crying in bed about life or going on more pointless dates with men I know I’m not going to end up with but I’m waiting nonetheless.

September

“I don’t want to forget the present is a gift..”

I’ve been away this summer. Not physically but mentally. I guess, just trying to pull myself together. I finally grew tired of being the strong one all the time. Not just the way other people see me but even as I perceive myself. “But who picks you up when you’re down?” No one does, not even myself. At least no physical person does. I think that’s part of the reason why I crave a relationship so much sometimes because just for once I’d like for someone else to carry my burdens for me. 

When I think about it, this entire year has been a struggle for me. Sometimes I don’t want to be here. I get those thoughts that I got in 2018 and even in 2015. “If being together with the Father is much better than the life I’m currently living then why can’t I just be there already?” Paul tells us to “count it all joy” but how do I find the willingness to do so when I’m too depressed to pray? As I read through one of my friends’ blog posts about her own past doubts she pointed out that wrestling with faith does not equal unbelief. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to believe, I just wanted Him to take the stress away already and it didn’t seem like He was going to anytime soon. If He loved me so much then why would He watch me hurt like this? There aren’t many solutions about what to do when life is hard so we just look for a way out because it seems the easiest. I would like for the pain to be over but there’s a beauty about being in the fire. There’s grace in your suffering. This suffering that we endure is nothing compared to what Christ faced on the cross but when we do endure the suffering we become one with Him that did suffer. 

It took me a while to write this because I don’t want people to know that I’ve been sad for quite some time now but I realize that I’m not the only one. I distracted myself with friends, with church, and with men so that I won’t have to face myself. Yet, here I am again in another fast trying to figure out if I’m hearing the voice of God or ignoring it. Sometimes I question if I’m truly set out to help other people when I feel like I can’t even help myself. I’m not a great Christian but I am still a Christian. I know that at the end of the day I may have made my mistakes but I’m not like many of my other counterparts. I’m not just putting on a face to be like the masses. This faith that I claim isn’t something I do because it sets me apart from others. I truly live out this life and it sometimes frightens me because one day I will have to answer to God and there’s no convincing him about why I did what I did on this earth. Either I’ll be with Him or I won’t but I have no other choice but to follow Him.

The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all; 

Psalms 34:19 NIV

I’m not over my present troubles but I am working through them as best I can in order to one day come out refined.

to be continued…

Un día a la vez

Have you ever met the ideal man that you always envisioned and once you had him right in front of your eyes you realize “I don’t think this is what I really want.” Well, I’ve been going back and forth with myself for the past few weeks over how to approach this and I’m afraid that if I don’t just get it out there that it will continue to eat me up inside. I thought I had met the man of my dreams but he turned out to be quite…not as I expected. I’m not going about this post to tell you about my dating life but more so to come clean about how it’s made me wrestle with my thoughts and beliefs as a Christian and how just because two people are “believers” that isn’t an automatic basis for compatibility. 

But let’s go back first.

This man was everything I thought I wanted. Tall, dark, foreign and a strong believer. I was like, “This is it God. This is me.” And then life progressed. I fell into a bit of depression which stemmed from other things outside of my control but I’m thankful for it because it allowed me to see things for what they really were. We were raised in such opposite households, both as Christians, but my home life was far more liberal and his was far too conservative. I’m not saying it couldn’t have worked but maybe I was just too stuck in my ways to venture to the other side. It was in my refusal to do so that made me wonder, “Am I wrong for thinking this way about certain issues? Does this mean I’m not really a Christian?” Certainly not. We all have different views on politics but our opposing views on certain issues became a red flag for the possibility of us furthering our relationship. What if we had kids and one came out as gay?

Instead of lashing out in a full on debate I retreated. I held back and completely re-examined the person I thought to be the man of my dreams. I like to think that before I had met him God kind of just said “You think you want this, but I know you better than you know yourself so here, go ahead so you can see.” After things kind of disintegrated between the two of us I still went back and forth with these thoughts. God allowed me to grow up the way I did for a reason; poor, black and Mexican. Two of perhaps the most oppressed people in America. Yay me! I could even dive deeper and go into my mommy issues and abandonment as a child stemming from her drug abuse as well as having to be raised by a machismo Mexican dad that lived to work despite lingering health issues. Life had always been a mess and I always saw it that way even though I never showed it. I didn’t have the solace of a present mom and dad protecting me from the sins of the world but coming from a broken home taught me a lot. It showed me empathy for the poor because I know what it’s like to live in an empty house. I spent summers with no working water for months and having to figure out makeshift forms of sanitary napkins because I didn’t want to ask my dad for money to buy pads because I felt bad about our lack of money. Of course, I never fully enjoyed my upbringing but I’m grateful for my survival skills and if God truly gives his toughest battles to his strongest fighters then I’m like basically Wonder Woman.

The heart of man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.

Proverbs 16:9

I know that people are just going to be different and that’s normal but you both should be willing to work through those things and we just weren’t. He wasn’t willing to see things from my perspective and I wasn’t about to spend my time trying to convince him to. Being that there were other circumstances on the line I made the choice that this wasn’t for me and I was perfectly fine with that. If there is one thing that I do know for sure, it’s that I want to be with whatever man God has for me and not whatever man is pursuing me. Until then, I can only take it one day at a time. 

NO PLACE I’D RATHER BE

This was a long week but it was a good week. I realize now that I may have somewhat set myself up after that last post. In it, I had mentioned ministry and so this week I felt like God said, “Oh okay, well let’s see how well you do.” and instead of being that person who was just showing up for people, I was put into a position where I not only had to serve, but I had to lead as well. 

Let me be the first to tell you, it was a lot of work. However, looking out into a crowded room full of wide eyed young girls listening to conversations about God, colorism, and self-worth was something no short of amazing. I looked back on the conversations and the women I looked up to when I was a young girl. I had no idea of the battles they faced as adults back then because they made it seem so easy, so freeing. I can recall this one moment when I was a teenager (before I gave my life to Christ) and these two young perhaps 20-something year old women picked me up and drove me to a pee-wee football game. I was visiting my mom at the time (also pretty sure I didn’t want to be there). I’m not sure how the conversation even came about as far as how they thought of inviting me because I didn’t know them at all but somehow they asked my mom if I wanted to go and I said, “sure.” I don’t remember much of what was said but I do remember the car ride over. They listened to worship music and I kind of thought to myself, “They’re listening to Gospel music on a Saturday morning?” I found it interesting because of course it wasn’t what I had expected from two young adult women but it was a moment that I always remembered and once I got older I thought, I want to model that for other young girls. It wasn’t just that they just played worship music in the car, but they set an example for me that I’m not even sure that they intended. I don’t know that I’ve ever encountered those women again after that day, but I’d like to thank them for showing me that yes, you can be young, pretty, and love God not just on Sundays but everyday. 

It’s not a rejection, it’s a redirection

I can not do anything without God. I can’t live on my own, I can’t pursue a relationship, I can’t even manage my sanity. I say all of that because these past few weeks were quite rough for me mentally. It’s had me questioning, “God, am I not good enough for someone to take the time to want to love me?” I attended an Inspire Night at my church, it was an event dedicated to single Christian women and even though I was so exhausted from work and the girls youth event the night before, I knew that I still had to go. I walked in not knowing what I was going to get out of it and receiving so much confirmation in the end. Although I may want a husband, I was not put on this Earth to serve a husband. I was created to serve God and this may be hard to believe but many times I might not know, but I get so caught up in my pursuit of a man that I neglect to realize that I’m not pursuing God. I don’t want to make it seem as though it’s impossible to serve God and pursue a relationship but there comes a time where you have to learn that they both have to correlate with each other. You can not pursue a relationship without God and you can not pursue God without being in relation with each other. Singleness is not always easy, but it should never be hard either. I’ve heard conversations relating to comparison in the past few days. We often think that if someone else can find a partner, why can’t I? It’s never about JUST finding a partner, it’s about finding a partner that fits you. I know a lot of strong single women, women that are not just worthy of love but worthy of GOOD love. Genuine love that comes from the Lord. Not something that they can just pick up and have just to be able to say that they have it and I know that this is true for myself as well. Singleness does not equal inadequacy. We should never look at ourselves and believe the lie that the reason why we are not involved with someone else is because there is something wrong with ourselves. Yes, it is true that none of us are perfect but that is not the reason why we are not in love. 

I want to be where God is every moment of my life. I don’t want to pursue the things he has to offer, I want Him and only Him and more than that, I want Him to take me where He wants me to go which may not only be marriage. We look at marriage as if that’s the end goal. It’s not. If we can’t pursue Him now then how can we expect to pursue Him while in a relationship with someone else? One of the things that God spoke to me this week was that I can not expect someone else to always want to carry my burdens, I have to always give them to God first and it’s not because they aren’t able to but some people just don’t know how to in the ways that God does and can. 

^{“Right now I am storm-tossed. And what am I going to say? ‘Father, get me out of this’? No, this is why I came in the first place. I’ll say, ‘Father, put your glory on display.’” A voice came out of the sky: “I have glorified it, and I’ll glorify it again.”}

JOHN 12:27-28

Well, I think that I’ve said enough but I hope that I’ve said all that He wanted me to say. Life is crazy man. One minute you could be thinking you found the man of your dreams and then next you could be back at square one. God has a vision for my life, that He’s calling me to greater. I got a glimpse of what it could have been and then I heard Him say, “Now think bigger than that.” Not just in marriage, but in what He’s called me to do in relation to reaching women and what I truly love doing which is this.

FIVE YEARS

Five years ago I probably downed half a bottle of wine and began this blog. By now most of you know how this story goes but as I look back on where I was and how I got to be where I am today, I am amazed. The love that I craved so much I had to learn how to give to myself. 

A part of me enjoys reminiscing on the bittersweet memories I have of 2016. That year, as I worked through my heartbreak, I distracted myself with drinking, partying, a couple men, and writing. Sometimes I look back on that girl I once was and that darkness that I once felt washes over me. My therapist suggests that when that girl comes back to sit with her. For so long I let my mind go back to the “fun” parts but when she cries out for me, I walk away. The abandonment I grew up hating, I ended up giving to my own self. 

If I could go back and sit with 22 year old me I probably wouldn’t tell her much. I would just sit with her and just hold her as she cried. The last thing I ever wanted was for someone to leave me and when I wasn’t focused on God, I placed my trust in others to not do that to me.

I never strayed so much from God that I couldn’t be able to hear his voice calling me back. I believe that when God calls on each of us we have a choice as to if we want to listen and follow Him or ignore it. The decision that I had to make was, “Is the life I’m living giving me more satisfaction than what God could give me?” I came to the conclusion that it wouldn’t. It wasn’t a person I needed, it was Jesus. 

My life is no way perfect now but it’s sustainable.

“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”

Deuteronomy 31:8

Happy five years to us.

Angelica

For the good guys

With Valentine’s Day here I thought I’d share some thoughts that have been going back and forth in my head lately. I also said that I would dedicate this post to the men that have been reading along as well. Even though some may find this to not be a very “warm” post, I will remind you that I’m not here to be mean or to condemn anyone for anything they’ve done. I am here to share my thoughts and experiences. With that being said I’ll begin by sharing a little situation that I found myself in not too long ago.

This guy had been asking me out through one of my social media pages for months. I’ve declined numerous times by making excuses or just not responding. Finally one day it really got to me, so I told him, “You ask me out a lot. I’m going to decline again.” He apologized and said he wouldn’t do it again and continued to message me saying he’s sorry and that he didn’t mean to be rude or annoying.

But he was…

And I was fed up not only because of his approach (abrupt and continuous) but he was persistent in a way that made me feel uncomfortable. I notice that some men believe just because someone asks you out “politely” you should go out with them. What I think they neglect to realize is that women don’t naturally choose people to hang out with like men do. I don’t want to make it sound as though this man is some sort of predator but I don’t know. I honestly don’t know him from a can of paint. I would’ve thought by him knowing I wasn’t interested, he could’ve simply channeled that energy somewhere else or with someone that was. I’ve also found myself in other situations where someone was interested in me however, the feelings were not mutual. What has always annoyed me was my guy friends “jokingly” asking me why I won’t give them a chance perhaps since I had been single for so long. In this case, something really isn’t better than nothing and I declined because I didn’t want to and I don’t really need a reason to not want to go out with someone.

It’s as if some men think because they asked you out politely, ask you how your day is going, compliment you, that it should be enough to prove that they’re a “good guy” and that it’s enough for you to go out with them. But it’s just giving the bare minimum. How can one assume that someone is good just because they showed simple manners? It’s madness is what it is. And sometimes we women don’t realize it but we treat God in a similar way. We give Him the bare minimum. We’ll go to church on Sundays, we “tithe” or give an offering. Not the full 10% but we give what we can and because of this we are giving God the bare minimum and start to believe that it’s enough for Him to reward us a man because of it. It’s such a funny world we live in, especially as single Christian men and women viewing things from different perspectives. I can’t tell you how to date or who to date, just know that when the right one does come along you won’t have to question it or feel apprehensive about it.

I guess you want the full explanation of why I declined? Well other than me not knowing him, I just didn’t feel like it was a good idea. It wasn’t because he asked me out on the platform he did, I just believe that there is a way to pursue a woman that shouldn’t be so…harsh. In addition to that, I simply was not interested in him and the least I could do was give him a clear answer. I respect people and I didn’t want to just ignore his offers either. I wasn’t going to go out with him under any circumstance because I know how it feels to hang out with someone you’re interested in and them not feel the same way. Being in this situation allowed me to think of my own attractions to men and how boundaries have helped me from developing feelings for men who have no interest in me romantically. I’ve only had about two “real” crushes in my adult years and it took awhile for me to realize that it wasn’t going anywhere and once I did I told myself that I was done. But the moment they showed me just the slightest bit of interest, I was back in. It took some time but I came to realize that we are all entitled to who we like and who we don’t like. I’m not for everyone and that’s okay. Everyone isn’t for me and that is also okay because if you were truly meant to be in my life then God would have you be there. 

Today is a day meant for love. Whether you’ve found it yet or not, continue praying for it, keep hoping for it and remember this ladies, you are vulnerable, not desperate!

– Angelica